Returning to work was like going back to the scene of the crime but I couldn’t stay there any longer waiting for her to come back or going home to find her bags backed. In 21 years of life I managed to fuck up every good opportunity God had given me.
I lay in my chair as I had done half the day, staring at the door waiting for someone to come in. A part of me wished Severine would come back in and I could redo the entire event. I reached for a cigarette from the counter, blowing smoke into the broken smoke detector.
Smoke detectors. . . those show up later.
“You might as well go home”, said Judson from his office
I turned my heads toward the door and lit another cigarette and gave him what my mother called a shit-eating grin. I was going to stay here till she begged me to come home.
By time the sun began to fall and I had run out of cigarettes and Judson had proven to be less than adequate conversation, I began to walk out and felt something crunch beneath my boots. I reached down and picked up plastic button.
I’d have to get Sofia to sew this back on
Um, okay this line makes Tomas look a bit like a jerk.
+++
I had done this a million times when I was in school; I mean it was just a needle. I could certainly see the appeal, it was shiny, smooth and the promise of an amazing high. . .I could see the temptation.
I had gotten home hours ago to find the apartment empty. Tomas was probably visiting friends or perhaps got called into work. I thought of other irrational places he could be yet somehow my thoughts wandered back to Severine.
The attraction was understandable, Severine was beautiful, young and powerful. I couldn’t count the times I caught severine sneaking guys into the house when we were in high school, but this was low even for her. I’d forgive her of course but the fact that she lied about it.
I remember Tomas had given me something on our wedding night, what was that he had said ?
There are a lot of things we shouldn’t do
Another standard Tomas one-liner, he has a lot of good ones !
The vein in my wrist seemed to be throbbing from the anticipation. After all
how many wrong things had I done in my life ? My mother would have encouraged
new experiences. I couldn’t hold on to being that 14 year old girl who clung to
the idea of a family for so long.
I bit my lip lightly as the needle pierced my skin, expecting to see blood I pushed the syringe down. The thrill of it alone caused an unexpected high. It hadn’t made the thought of my sister kissing my husband any better but I would give it time. A warm flush went through my body, this I could handle
Maybe time was all I needed.
So this is sort of Sofia’s fall ): I am SO about to break the cutie
+++
Music.
I heard the faint sound of pulse pounding music coming from the apartment.
“The hell ?”, I said to myself creaking the door open
It was dark and from what I could tell empty. I carefully closed the door when I felt someone kiss my neck. I turned around to see Sofia standing behind the door.
“You scared me”, I said
“I know”, she replies wrapping her arms around my neck it was very. . .Severineish, “I was hiding from you”
Cause he knows Severine so well now.
Each word she spoke bough her lips closer to mine, the space between us closing slowly, this was very unlike her.
“I know why you are doing this-“
“No you don’t” she interrupted touching my lips with her fingertips.
I pulled away from her grasp which was considering how beautiful she looked and her new found infatuation with me. I turned the closest light on and bought her face close to mine.
Empty dialted eyes looked back at me.
“What did you do ?”
“Soothing my pain. . ”, she said in an unuaslly seductive voice
I grabbed her by her writs and dragged her over to the bed and knelt infront of her. The grip I had on her wrist tightening. She didn’t know what she wanted.
“What the hell is the matter with you ?”, I yelled at her
“Stop it”, she said trying to push me away. Her skin was flushed but somehow I wanted to hear more regret, “ I have just as much right as you do, don’t I ?”
“Sof-“
“No you listen… I’m. . .making a descion for myself. Everything in my life has been a punishment; losing my mother, getting hurt, being raped, God, I was flunking college before I had to drop out. . . this is good. . .this makes. . .made. . .is making me feel good.”
I do such bad things to characters. Okay I’m going to stop typing that because I do A LOT of bad things to characters.
I let her hands go wondering if she’d be the same person in the morning. For now I Settled at not looking at her. She reached her arms around my neck the smell of pure white ectsay on her finger tips was to much.
I took one of her fingers into my mouth it burned my body for now it soother our souls.
Another Tomas One-liner !
I swear I’m using the “!” to point things out, not because I think I’m that awesome.
SECTION TWO
Blah Blah Blah. . . to much backstory.
When I was 12 years old and learned
what exactly my mother was doing with her friends in the next room I taught
myself to tune them out. I would sit in my room tracing comic books and cloud
my mind so I couldn’t hear creaking bed springs or heavy breathing.
Unfortunately my new learned talent
could also be used in school,
and teachers don’t take nicely to being tuned out. Which, now that I think about
it probably led to my lackluster school record?
I had tried that philosophy with Sofia’s new found recreational activity. I could learn to ignore her complaining about Margaliese, how she missed school and Angeline’s constant phone calls and this is why she needed it. She even began to take advantage of my weakness, I hated crying. If she cried she knew I’d give her whatever she wanted. It was childish but, fuck, when she was high she was happy.
Oh, I can’t stand men who hate it when women cry . . . or curse.
I opened my eyes to see her watching me sleep.
“Good morning”, she said in only the way she could
It was Sunday our literally only day of rest, it was the only day we both didn’t work ;days like this we could lay and enjoy each other’s company.
“It is”, I replied feeling that familiar need building up but I fought it, Sunday was sacred in my book.
You know, Tomas is actually a very religious character. I don’t think that was explored enough. He would go to church on Sunday but it’s the only day he has to spend with Sofia.
I reached over and kissed her lightly on the lips, her body would always be my first addiction. She moved closer till she was straddling my waist, her hair slightly tousled. She ran her hands up and down my chest, never breaking eye contact.
Was that a Tomas One-Line I just saw ?
“Do you remember what Angeline said to me at lunch, a while back”, she asked
It was a while ago but I nodded knowing she would repeat it any ways; I had a sneaking suspicion that Angeline knew what devious activities her Angel was involved in but I digresses.
“She said she treated me like a daughter”, she began holding back sudden tears, “I thought I was her daughter. . . I want to be someone’s daughter”
I didn’t understand how anyone could cry over a mother, they only took care of us because they have to, and of course I couldn’t tell her this.
I flinched as one of her tears hit my cheek, these were real tears.
“Sorry”, she whispered
“It’s okay”, this wasn’t how I wanted to spend my Sunday mornings.
I grabbed the cigarette box from my dresser and shook it a few times before removing a dime sized purple tablet.
“Open”
Watching her part her pretty pink lips just about kills me. She places the tablet under her tongue closing her lips around her finger pulling it out slowly before lying back down on her side.
“Jesus, you’re a tease”
“Fuck you”, she says with her new found devious smile
“I hate in when you curse”
“I know”, she responds throwing a pillow at me
I’ve totally had this conversation before
It barley misses me so I tossed another pillow at her, leading to an utterly childish yet comforting pillow fight that ends with her making one request.
You guys. I know how cheesy this whole next scene is
but you know how the music sometimes takes over. Also they are high so . . .
yeah. Also I know it's soooo predictable to have characters start randomly dancing with each other to create intimacty or something. I do this later on in that other thing so . . .
“Will you dance with me?” she ask shaking feathers out of her hair
“Of course”
She turns the volume of the radio up and picks a random station letting the music fill the room
What day is it and in what month
This clock never seems so alive
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time
“I’ll stand over here”, she continues standing by the door and ushers me to the other side of the room, “and you have to ask me”
I know this was for her benefit but I actually felt nervous. I new she was going to say yes and she was my wife but she was so beautiful and the thought of rejection made this false moment seem all the more special.
“Sofia?”, I take her hand for a fuller effect, “May I have this dance”
“Of course”
I place her hands around my neck and rested mine on her waist. We sway back and forth for a while given neither of us are dancers and I can almost tune out the crappy wallpaper, sirens and drugs.
Her steps are light and she looks up at me and smiles. I know it’s a cliché but I felt like the luckiest man in the world.
“Do you think we would have danced like this if we had a wedding?”
“The whole time”
I silently prayed for more Sundays like this.
Part 2
I’m pretty sure I spend more time sleeping in my chair than spending time with customers. Judson said it was because none of my designs were cute enough for the ladies, but the invasion of yuppies in to the area caused a downfall in tattoo clientele. It also didn’t help that they called the police every 3 seconds.
“You know what I bet it is”, said Judson from the back
“What”, I respond even though I’m nodding off.
“It’s AIDS, people think we reuse our needles or some shit like that.”
Foreshadowing. . . kind of. I hadn’t really planned this series out.
“Yeah, maybe”
The bell on the front door goes off, followed by the familiar clicking of heels. I open my eyes to a pair of familiar legs.
“Love”, I answer rolling out of the chair. She has her arms crossed and she looks mad.
“Were is it ?”, she ask without so much an introduction
“Where’s what”
“My paycheck, it wasn’t in the mail,I need to cash it”
“I already did it”
“Why”
I had gone home during my lunch break to get the mail. I had a sneaking suspicion that Sofia has started holding out on me when it came to her paycheck. 30-80 dollars usually ended up going into her arm.
So at this point Sofia is addicted and he is trying to stop her. It’s kind of a double standard.
I flash Jusdon the 1 minute signal and took her outside.
“You know why, I think this is getting a little out of control. . .maybe you shou-”
“Should what ? take a break I don’t see you doing that, give me my money”
“Fuck, look I don’t want you buying off the street, okay go buy youself a nice dress or something”
“Tomas”
“Just listen to me, trust me they don’t have night lights in prison”, I reach down and pull a dime bag out of my shoe and toss it to her, “here now go home”
So Badass.
“What the hell Tomas, you’re at work”
“Jesus, you can be naïve sometimes, where do you think I got it from”
I don’t like using Jesus as a curse word. It seems like a regional thing to the south.
She rolls eyes and reaches up to kiss me.
“Sorry I got mad, Love, I had a bad day”
She peppers my face with more kisses before leaving. Her kisses where like sweet currency. For a second I felt like her drug dealer a bond much stronger than marriage.
Wow, I really need to give Sofia some One-liners! . This one appears in the Original Spirits
+++
I once again came home to a dark apartment. This time Sofia is sitting on the floor, dressed in another outfit her purse in her lap like she had just gotten home. Before I can ask she answers.
“Angeline’s getting divorced”
“That’s bad ?” I wasn’t sure because from what I heard Angeline had broken a fair share of hearts
“All those times she called looking to talk or for comfort I ignored her. . .she’s not taking it well…she won’t even get out of bed. . .it would be almost funny if it wasn’t so sad”
She says the word sad with uncertainty
“Angeline is Angeline I’m sure she’ll jump back”
Or something. Tomas doesn’t know them THAT well.
Sofia nods and rubbing a swab on her arm.
“What are you doing ?”
She looks at me and rolls her pretty green eyes, “My mother is sick”
I take the needle away from her, “She’s not your mother and I think you’ve had enough”
I love how Sof sanitizes before she shoots up.
She has a tight grip on it, I pull on her arm so hard it makes stand up her purse tumbling and all it’s contents on the floor.
“Stop it”
She starts digging her plastic nails into my hand till they pierce my skin. I hated blood but ignore it, letting her kow I’m not going to give it to her, As a last resort I slam both our conjoined hands into the mirror. She lets go and tends to her hand I take the 5 seconds to hide the syringe in the air vent.
Note that she has plastic nails.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes”, she looks up from her arm, “What did you do with it?”
I shake my head and play dumb but she begins tearing apart the apartment; Taking the mirror off the wall and out turning every drawer and the bed sheets. All while blaming me for something. Even though I am nowhere near the kitchen she tosses the coffeemaker and radio on the floor, both break with a crack.
“For fuck’s sake, Sofia”, she’s being irrational
“You don’t understand”, she says checking my pockets, which I sadly enjoy a little. “you want me to need you like everybody else in my life, stop trying to control me”
Looking around at the lack of places to search, she starts throwing things at me. When that gets old she brings her fingernails to my face, leaving on scratch by my ear.
“Crazy bitch”
If I recall correctly people really did not like it when Tomas called Sofia a bitch.
I grab her hands but she starts kicking me, She’s a fighter, I let her push me on the ground while she triess to scratch my eyes out. Bloodshot eyes and messy hair, I could only blame myself for, I only wish she wanted something else that bad.
I stand he up and hold both her hand tightly behind her back, twisting them a little
“Stop it”
“You first, this will pass, love.”
Oh, God IGNORE THE NEXT SECTION HERE I”LL HELP
“You know what I noticed, Love” she
momentarily stop her kicking, “Is that your little friend Willa has grey eyes”,
I tighten my grip on her arm, “just like you . . . and your mother”
This was a plot thread that got discarded so let’s pretend she said
Moving on.
My hand can’t seem to slap her hard enough. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next I wish I could stand back and watch it play out but as always words are my enemy.
Her hand is still on her face, the blood rushing to create a nasty looking bruise and she looks through the contents of her purse for a cosmetic mirror.
DA F ?? I don’t remember any of this happening. OMG I feel so bad.
“Motherfucker”, she whispers
Sh!t gets REAL when Sof starts cursing
I can feel the heat building up, she was pushing my buttons because I had taken hers. But anger was rearing its ugly head
“What did you just call me” before she can repeat herself I drag her over to the bed despite her protest and rational is years behind my anger. She starts scratching at my face again but I can easily overpower her by pressing my full weight against her,” what do you know about fucking?” I whisper lifting her skirt and spreading her knees.
She starts to say something intelligible
I smother her pleas in a rough kiss for longer than I want, I can imagine forcing myself on her, just to scare her. She stops fighting and I let go before she starts having a panic attack. I reach up to the air vent and take her arm giving her half of what she wants so badly. She takes the other half and finds a vein on my arm, I start to tell her not the arm I draw with, but she already knows.
We can’t even look at each other, With my eyes fixed to the floor I pull her
skirt back down.
“Sofia ?”, she doesn’t move, “How long till Sunday”
Hi, My penname is Linda Leigh and I like to break characters.
+++
The next morning apologies come in rare form. I slept on the floor and she had showered and changed sometime during the night. Instead of breakfast I’m met with a packed suitcase. I look around for a quick piece offering but come up short on anything sweet or intoxicating.
She emerges from the bathroom looking completely put together and smelling of vanilla and sugar. It’s as if last night didn’t happen but the overly done make up is some cue.
I slip off my silver cross and fasten it around her neck; it kills me when she flinches
“Angeline is getting worst”, she finally says, “she needs me right now . . .to help with the kids. . .just until she gets better”
Thank God, she wasn’t leaving me
She looks out the window as a taxi pulls up. We both reach for the suitcase but she lets me take it and I follow her down stairs. I even make a big show of opening the door for her.
“I’ll send rent money and come by once a week”
“For what ?”
She eyes the cab driver and gives me an intense look, oh for that.
“Take care of my, girl” I say to the cab driver giving him an pre-emptive tip. As the car begins to drive away she presses her fingertips to her lips and onto the window. I touch the window from my side as it drives off.
Sunday’s never comes fast enough
Part Three
Okay guys I’m going strikeout some stuff in this section. . . so yeah.
When she’s away the devils come out to play.
What had started out as aimless tapping on the wall had become a large and spiteful mural? 3 days had proven to be enough time for me to unleash creativity on the still ransacked apartment. The rough texture of pencil against the wall was a nice change of pace from my usual medium. The words had started out small but I found myself sketching over them, each stroke bought out feelings, needs. . .addictions.
I began working on a row of flowers I knew she would like. I just hope I don’t run out of wall space . . . the ceiling’s not that high up. My eyes are still fixed on the ceiling when the phone rings. My hands are still shaking from earlier but I manage to keep my cool.
“Lo—Sofia ?”, it’s still a little too soon
“Yes, I’ll be coming by tomorrow get a few things?” you want me to bring you drugs, I decoded her messages
“How is everyone?” is Angeline dead yet/has Severine mentioned the incident. I guess she isn’t the only one talking in code.
“Fine” like I’m going to tell you
“I’ll see you tomorrow” you have a serious drug problem, you do know that
“Okay, bye”, I love you
“Good-bye” I love you too.
The pot on the stove begins bubbling and I almost wonder if she can smell it through the phone. What always amazed me about drugs what the skill, patience and time it took to get that your money’s worth.
That’s right Tomas cooks his drugs Breaking Bad style, bitch
Every time I hold a needle to my skin I think of the words my father told me when I was 13 years old (I could never tune him out)
Shoot up or shut up
Okay so in Spirits & Angels Tomas’ Father is a politician his mom had an affair with.. . so some of this gets retconned. That’s not to say his father didn’t do drugs but I’m just putting it out there.
My body relaxes and the last empty patch of wall is calling to me. I decide to start a portrait of Sofia. A strange thought enters my head, regarding my one an only. What if I wasn’t here when she got back? She’d be too afraid to buy off the street; I could force her into quitting. I thought about it first and drew wings on her portrait.
I stuck a cigarette between my lips and light it with my lighter. What if I could quit? Of course I’d been at it for almost 10 years. That wasn’t an excuse
Um,
LiLe did you just imply that Tomas has been doing drugs since he was 11 ?
I
think I did. Hmmm well that's not right. It should say 8 years.
This piece of art only needed one more improvement one thing to finish it off. With my lighter still in hand I let the flame lick at her neck, as I yearned to do with my tongue. The flame gently tapped the curtain and before I could react it engulfed it. I ran to turn the water on but it dripped slowly.
I was momentarily paralyzed watching the flames jump from the curtain to the wall burning away my 3 days work. I heard the sirens outside and threw my stash in my pocket and car keys just incase. Half way to the last step I heard a glass breaking and watched as the third floor engulfed into flames.
+++
What started out as a slow drive to clear my head turned into an journey. The farther away I got from town the better I felt. All the chains that were weighing me down couldn’t reach far enough.
Tossing the drugs into a rest area trash can was the final anchor and with only 25 miles left till I was running on fume. Sofia and I had lost control of our marriage and I’ll admit I was running away, I had to before we killed each other.
That was how I ended up in New York and more importantly met Terry
Hey guys, so I’m just going to try and keep quiet here. I just have no words. The section that follows this is just not ideal. I had this idea . . . I guess ? I just don’t know what I was thinking I just wanted New York City to be in this story. Who cares that it’s like a 12 hour drive. The story flows just as well without this next part.
I mean I had this idea of Tomas getting into Porn but I didn’t have the nerve to go through with it so I was like modeling is kind of the same thing ? But it just eh ! It puts a bad taste in my mouth. I did manage to work in the title so. . . points ? We are just going to cruise through this. Long story short
Tomas runs away to NYC for two months.
He parties, meets new friends, does drugs. He watches a character who LiLe hates die of an overdose and decided to go home
+++
I ditched the car a few miles into
Brooklyn and a day had gone before I felt withdrawal rearing it’s ugly head. I
stumbled upon a shelter near a church and claimed to be sick but it was
obvious. I was too consumed by pain, cravings and sleepless nights to miss
Sophia.
One day I woke up in the
uncomfortable cotton beds to the familiar sound of children, footsteps and
plates; and felt like I had just found God all over again, I was at peace.
The urge to get high was still there
but I could tune it out, like bed springs and moans. The thought made me smile.
I could call Sophia go home and beg Judson for my job back, scratch that make
Sophia beg Judson for my job back.
Before pulling my prodigal son act I
asked for directions to Basilica Our Lady of Perpetual help in Sunset Park. I
took a paper and pencil with me , my mother had taken me there once during a
trip to New York, somehow pictures online didn’t dot he justice.
I engulfed myself in the sketching
when the bells rang and people poured out of the doors. I stopped a woman
walking past me, she was wearing one of those pill box hats and a matching grey
suit.
“Excuse me, Ma’am what day is it?”
She took off her shades and looked
at me, studied me almost.
“Sunday”
+++
I’m sure Tomas has a lot of great One-liners! in this one but :
My conversation with the woman in
the pill box hat should have ended there, but she offered me job. Get this she
asked me if I had ever considered being a model. I laughed it off then she
asked me if I had a job. I lied and said yes. Then she started talking
numbers.
She gave me an envelope with a metro
pass and an address. I mean what kind’ve of person just caries that stuff
around. And even though my mother had an obsession with the movie Fame I went
anyway.
I walked into a room filled with
beautiful people not a single one looking at each other, I took a seat and
waited patiently as they called names. I kept my eyes fixed on the floor when I
felt someone tug on my shirt sleeve.
“Got to cover those up baby”, he
said.
He was referring to the fading track
marks on my arm. The man took a seat next, He was probably around my age and
everything else about him was ambiguous.
“Right”, I responded
“Where are you from ?”, he asked
noting my accent
“Russia”, I lied picking a country
most people had heard of.
His skin had a deep tan shade, his
hair was a curly sandy red color, with dark almond shaped eyes. He had a white
binder sitting in his lap.
“May I”
He sat back in the chair, “take it”
I ignored the look he gave me and
flipped though the portfolio. His name “Terry”, was on the front. They were all
pictures of him and it was probably the vainest thing I’d ever seen but one
caught my eye.
It featured Terry (of course)
sitting on a polo field but what caught my eye was the beach blonde hair man
sitting next to him. I ran my fingers down to the edge where the words Angeline
jumped out at me. All he needed was a flaky socialite next to him and that
would be
“Holden”, I said
Terry leaned over to look at what I
was looking at.
“mmm”, he said, “he was a good lay”
For the first time in what felt like
weeks, I laughed
Part three
Terry lived above a coffee shop in
the village and as a result had an obsession with the show Friends. After
waiting 3 hours to have someone attack me with a Polaroid camera and make up
brush he invited me to his place.
He had 3 roommates all varying from
an out of work actress, a grad student and his girlfriend.
“I just know what it’s like to be
you, baby”, he said handing be a can of cheap beer.
“I seriously doubt it”
“You’re running from something, I
get that, we just happen to be the lucky ones who look good while doing so”
I considered this for minute and
decided maybe I was running away.
“You know”, he said taking a seat
across from me, “we have our way to be more discreet”
“What the hell are you talking
about?”
“You’re a user aren’t you?”
My hand started itching for a fix at
the word.
“Was”, I admitted
“Right”, he didn’t believe me, hell
I didn’t believe me, “well you can stay here till you get on your feet.”
“I don’t want to im-“
“It’s okay, right baby”, he yelled
to the kitchen where the Grad Student and Girlfriend were, “they pay the most
rent so they have seniority”
They was a collected number of yeah
and whatevers
“New York’s not that bad”, continued
Terry, “we are all friends here”
+++
I hate you Terry. I don’t know why I wrote you. You are an awful character who serves no purpose. Just sayin’
My first job was certainly an
experience. After meeting Terry they gave me an address and told me to go
there, just like that. Terry woke up on one of his days off to take me there.
Grad Student’s Girlfriend liked to cook and made a quiche. Even though I was
staying with them I didn’t bother to remember their names.
“I like taking the subway”, said
terry over breakfast, “there’s better people watching”
“I’m sure”
We take what feels like 3 different
subways to SOHO, Terry explains that he gets signed here all the time and I’d
make plenty of money.
Money, that’s the reason I was doing
this.
The first floor is cleanly decorated
with a waiting room filled with of course more pretty people looking bored. To
my surprise terry walks me towards the back smiling at the receptionist while
doing so.
We walk into a studio and I feel
slightly overwhelmed, like I don’t belong.
“This feels wrong”, I confess to
Terry
“The world needs people like us”
I feel like I’m back in the
hospital, people using big words I don’t really understand. Being told where to
sit and stand and how to be. I watch Terry from behind the camera; going up to
everyone and making conversation, telling jokes to complete strangers.
Afterwards some flighty assistant
take me to an office and hands me a check for 5000 dollars. I can already
divide that into how many drugs I can buy.
“Hey !”, says Terry from behind me,
“better save some of that for rent”
+++
I’d like to think I’ve only
committed a few sins in my life, but I promised god to quit and I tried but
it’s the one thing I can do well. It’s like a reward at the end, beginning or
middle of the day.
“Thought you were clean”, says Terry
cleaning up after my latest bender
“Was”, I said almost out of context
Grad Student has lit some incense and they add to the somewhat hazy effect. I stare blindly at the two checks I still have to cash.
“You know Eric and I joke that we’re functional drunks”
I blank on who Eric is but I’m sure he’s Grad Student.
LiLe :Oh That's who Eric is.
“Everyone can be a functional drunk, a functional on crack? That’s you ? Isn’t it”, I try to form a complete sentence. (Tomas)
“It used to be you”
He walks around the apartment tearing down the Halloween decorations, another seasons passed and I’m still here. Afraid to go home, back to being a nobody. I shook the cigarette box that carried a wedding ring before placing it back down.
“Those incense are getting to me”, I said covering my nose
“Yeah, Eric lights them, he likes getting all spiritual. He thinks they cleanse the spirit”
“Cleanse ?”
“Yeah, all the sins, dirt and shit we get on our souls; we just need to take some time to clean them. I want to believe that. . . you know, when it’s all over I don’t want to be held down by the things I did. .. I want my spirit to be free.
OMG, Terry has the title drop. That makes me feel bad things . . .
“That’s nice”
I lay back on the couch and inhale
the smell of rosewater and amber.
+++
I felt like I was living a different
part of the story, It felt like years since I’d burned my past to the ground
but it had only been days, right.
I had spent the day being poked and
prodded and being told I was beautiful, I think the money was the only reason I
got up that morning. I sat on the floor in terry’s room my ears to the door, listening
to the party going on without me. Temptation was to quickly
I picked up a pencil and tapped on
the wall, but nothing came of it. I moved as the door opened and Terry walked,
he knew I was hiding out.
“Something wrong?”, he asked
“I’m just trying to miss someone”, I
confessed
He sat down next to me and offered
me a cigarette. I took my lighter our of my pocket and flicked it a few times,
the flame never came on so I settled for matches.
“Here”, he said offering me the
blunt in-between his fingers.
I took in the sweet taste and scent
and thought about her
I tense up when he puts his arms
around me, when I realize he is hugging me. Terry is over affectionate with everybody
but this was about something else.
“Does this help?” he asked
“A little”, admit and after a while
it does.
+++
This the only section I like. Mostly because Terry dies. Spoiler alert.
“Trust me you should get this one”,
Terry said again, touching a phone with more extras than I cared about.
“Fuck, I hate shopping”, I said
receiving a glare from the woman next to me. I mouthed a sorry.
“You need this; it’s the 21 century
how do you not have a cell phone.”
“Fine”, I give in and motion to the
sales man to ring it up I count out the large sum of cash making up some excuse
about my house burning down to the saleswoman.
When we get outside it’s already
dark and Terry is talking about some party he wants to stop by. He reaches over
and starts holding my hand
“What are you doing”, I inquire
“It’s fun”
“How?”
“I don’t know”, he continues,” being
someone you’re not, don’t you want to walk down the street knowing everyone is
staring at you”
“Not really”, I said shaking his
hand loose. He doesn’t find it offensive, he doesn’t find anything offensive.
As usually we end up in some off the
wall part of Greenwich Village. Half way there Terry starts doing his infamous
renditions of rendition of every Rent song. On his second rendition of La Vie
Boheme we arrive at an apartment decked out for a party
It was filled with beautiful people
and what I assumed was loud Indy music. I always come to these things with
terry but end up drinking alone trying to figure my fucked up life out. At
least this one had an open bar.
Starting on my second Gin and tonic
while trying to bore some girl into leaving me alone, I finally agree to sit by
the pool with her (all while thinking “how the hell did they get a pool in
here”) On the way out the back door I see a familiar pair of Italian leather
shoes on the floor.
I open the door leading to a small
bed room; a guy is hurriedly putting his pants on while Terry is lying on the
floor, the whites of his eyes showing.
‘What the fuck did you do”, I said
holding the guy to the wall. The girl following me rushes over to Terry, “what
are you doing”
“I’m a nurse”, she says
I let the man go and I hear him stumble
out the door.
“Is he going to be okay”
She looks at him and feels his face
and looks at me not saying anything
“It looks like an overdose”, she
says pushing up his shirt sleeve.
“Fuck”, I reach to fell his pulse
but I don’t know where to search. I press my ear to his heart nothing. I hate
crying but I can’t stop the water from falling. I mean how many nice people do
we really meet in this world? I wan to say a prayer or something but all that
comes out is more curses.
Someone’s called an ambulance; the
nurse pushes me aside as the paramedics come in. The police follow of course
and the nurse leads me outside.
“Were you close?”, she ask
“No”, it’s like a realization, Terry
made friends with anyone had I ever lent a piece of myself to him, “We were
friends”
“Are you going to be okay?” she asks
holding my hand. She’s sweet with clear blue eyes and long red curls, cute
almost.
REDHEADS ! GRRRRR. Why I’m getting mad you will find out later.
“No”
It’s not going to get me there any faster but I start running, the farther away I get from the ambulance the faster I go.
I need to go home
Finally