-1-
If I could cut one chapter in half it would be this one. I don’t know why but I really wanted to do a story in an ashram and it just only kind of worked for me. I did SO much research but I’m no sure how I feel about it this second time around.
This chapter was made to put Mr. F on an Existentialism Bus. I needed him gone for a few years, but I needed him to learn about the Afterlife and about life.
I took in one last cigarette in the
airport lounge. The overly opulent airport lounge was mostly filled with
business men whom mostly kept to themselves.
I don’t recall seeing much of Georgia. My thoughts were to occupied with
finding Robert Essex whom had been exiled to teach in at a prominent but
small university In Northern India. Despite that it was nearly 8,000
miles away I didn’t hesitate to
find a plane ticket.
The men in the airport lounge reminded me of Martin. Men whom saw
themselves important and believed they owned the world. They puffed their
cigarettes and straightened their ties. They felt important and wanted the
world to know it.
Um, aren’t you smoking
and wearing a tie ?
Seeing the world from so high up was surreal and sublime. It showed how
even the biggest man in the tallest building could be so irrelevant in the
scheme of things.
The flight lasted for fifteen hours and It was either almost
dawn or twilight when the plane descended into Chhatrapati Shivaji
International Airport.
I didn’t want to waste any time and after a few hours of sleep in an
unkepet hotel I set out with a map in hand to the University of Mumbai where
Mr. Essex was tenured.
The search is on for
Essex. He seems to know stuff. . . so off to India.
Also Essex was almost
one of Mr. F’s names.
Classes had just begun the fall semester so I had high hopes of finding
him. I thought of what I would ask him ? I would first of course ask him where
he received the theories for his book for all I knew he could be like me.... us.
A woman from the admissions’ office lead me to the old building were his office
was located, it was small and tucked away in the far corner of the campus. The
only sound inside the building was the faint noise of the air conditioner and
the creaking of half opened doors.
I gathered he was highly regarded at the university. A name plate hung slightly
tilted against the wall. I knocked a few times and there was no response.
I reached for the door again this time it creaked and opened. I pushed against
it again realizing the door was unlocked. No one in the adjoining office seemed
to be at the least concerned.
Giving the door a finial push I found what was on the other side of the door
Nothing.
No one.
---
“Yes, but you don’t understand I have questions for him”
“I don’t know what to say”, the woman said
I had spent 10 minutes explaining in vague terms to Essex’s assistant why I
needed to speak to him.
“Maybe I can help ?”, she offered
“Does he even still work here ?”
“He has tenure . . .but to be honest he’s always been a bit off”
“What do you mean ?”
“He is paranoid and a bit frazzled. Maybe I can help Is this about his
current research ?.”
“No. do you know where he lives ?”
“He lives out of hotels mostly, sometimes he takes random trips to Sivanada for
weeks, it ruins everyone’s schedules. Though if you ask me I think he got tired
of teaching along time ago.”
“He must have a last known address ?”
“I think he was staying at a hotel by the harbor.”
She gave me the address and quickly advised that I should walk, something I
rather despised in such a crowded city.
I walked as fast as I could to the hotel near the center of the city. It
was a tall glass building a nice place for a man no one seemed to have a good
word to say about. The hotel was quiet compared to the noisy streets outside
the doors.
“Good Morning, can I help you”, the concierge greeted me
“Yes, I’m looking for Robert Esexx”
The concierge expression dropped still he spoke
Okay I’m getting bored
with this chapter. I super regret writing parts of it. I just needed to get Mr.
F off the grid.
“Haven’t seen him in a few days”, the man sounded concerned, “He was very drunk
at the time.”
“Well, what about the Sivanada Hotel his assistant told me about ?”
“Oh, Sivanada isn’t a hotel, it’s an Ashram . . .Essex frequents he says it
helps quiet the ‘voices’ down.”, he whispered the last part
I wanted to curse but restrained myself, further more what if Essex was mental
ill ? I was only partially convinced the voices the concierge mentioned weren't
real.
“Could you find out if he is there”
“I don’t think they have phone service. He should be back in a week”
I decided to take up residence at the hotel until Mr. Essex finally reappeared. The
concierge seemed certain that he would return in a few days.
.
---
In the weeks that followed Essex never made appearance.
During that time Emile and I mostly communicated through letters. I was carefully to be vague I did not want him to know the exact reason I had traveled so far.
That was also the day I went in search of Essex myself.
Finally.
I brought a map and had the concierge help me find the way to this Sivanada
place. I wish I could recall his name but I hardly bothered to remember things
like that.
The concierge was once again pleasant and perceptive as he helped me find
my way to the lakeside town of Kodaikanal where Sivanada was located.
“Are you sure I’ll find Essex there ?”, I asked him
“I can’t imagine where else he would be”, the man said, “When you arrive as for
Malika she should be able to help. . . I hope the professor is okay”
Somehow I found his last words to be insincere.
Okay, so far I don’t hate this chapter as much as I
originally did
The trip to the southern town would only took two days and I constantly
convinced myself it was worth it. Still I didn’t know what I was getting
myself into or if Essex was even of the right state of mind.
I decided I wouldn’t miss it and I never did.
-2-
Okay here we go. I put Mr. F in an off the grid Ashram because I needed him to go away for a few years.
Sivanada.
I had heard from locals and tourist alike that those who first lays eyes on it
to at first think that they have ended up in the fictional Shangri-la. The
ashram stood perfectly nestled between two hills covered with brightly colored
wild flowers. Large tropical leaves hung lazily over the entrance. The building
itself was small, shining with Islamic architecture
I walked closer, following a path of crudely drawn arrows, a set of curtains
over the doors fluttered revealing for a second a woman and a man in deep
conversation.
The woman was older, she watched me as I crossed the floor and stopped just as
the worn carpet ended. I was glad to be out the rain.
“Welcome”, An assistant began, “I’m afraid we did not get your name from the
watchman”
I told him my name and though I wanted to be patient I was hoping this place
was not as deserted as it appeared
Note, I still haven't had anyone say Mr. F's name.
“I’m looking for someone. Professor Robert Essex. I just need to speak to
him then—“
The pair stopped and peered briefly at one another before turning back to me.
“Essex is a visitor and student here. . . of course you’ve just missed
him-”
Also, Mr. F’s name is
never mentioned in any of his chapters. I wanted to see how far I could drag
this.
“However”, the woman, Malika, cut in. “He should be returning very soon.”
There was silence and outside the rain continued to pour over the building. I
had come all this way to turn around.
“I should make my way down before dark. I’ll be back as soon as Essex arrives.”
“We can at least get you an umbrella and dry clothes”
They both shuffled out of the room leaving me alone. I turned and looked at the
walls. There were a set of words written on them, around them people had signed
thier names.
unwavering Joy, sumblime insight and peace
Considering the dark nature of Essex's book I could see why such a place with
those promises would enchant him.
“What do you think ?”
I turned to see Malika had returned.
“I think I would rather rely on a logical mind that a . . . spiritual one.”, I
said honestly
“Why ? Logic and reason are so easily compromised.”
Logic : Hey !
LiLe : What
Logic : Why would you write that ?
LiLe : because of reasons
*bada dish*
Current LiLe : Okay this joke makes no sense to me now. I think it something about me using the term "because of reasons" and the whole reason compromising Logic but Logic was a character I had been writing in TDOLL. IDK
Yes, I'm T-DOLLIng T-DOLL
“How so ?”
“Alcohol, for one”, she said, “Anesthesia and certain medicines. What
happens to the logical mind then ? A good steadfast soul can never be
compromised.”
Soul.
For some reason I was beginning to detest the word.
Pssst. Hey remember
that thing about letting other characters explain this story’s ending ? Here’s
another one. And
yes I did this on purpose.
“To be honest for undisclosed reasons. . . I’m not entirely convinced I have a
soul.”
“Everyone has one”, she reasoned, “Who we are is a lot more than just body
parts.”
“True”, I said still shivering from the rain
“Although we should take care of both. Do you still believe you don’t have one
?”
“I just can’t be sure”
Mr. F : Cause I came
back from the dead and everything.
“Interesting”, she said, “ I want finish this conversation tomorrow. You
should stay until it stops raining.”
---
I also needed Victor to kill some people and make it look like Lucie did it, so I had to give these people some page time.
It rained the next day. I had slept uncomfortably in a room usually reserved
for guest.
“I see it is still raining”, she Mika, “it should let up soon.”
“I can only hope”
“How about we get back to this matter of souls.”
“If you insist”, I said, "So tell me what would it be like for a soulless
person."
'Well to have lost a soul one would have had to commit a true act against human
nature, killing a part of themselves."
Hmm, what kind of
cruel act could a person do against
human nature in order to lose one’s soul. Charaters are explaining story plots again
"Is that to say a person without a soul couldn't die. .. again ? Even if
they tried"
"It's hardly that simple. I teach my students that winning back a soul is
not impossible but a time consuming deed. . . Karma if you will.”
Hmmm so what you are saying is if someone where to lose there soul they could MAYBE get it back if they practice good Karma.
I originally wanted to
play around with reincarnation red-herring so I could get the whole ROSE IS A
REINCARNATED LUCIE. But it was to much work to make possible
---
The last candle in the room bent and danced at the winds command threatening to
go out. I had been in deep conversation with Malika until almost early morning.
Her answers seems to spark more questions than I could keep track of.
It was during conversations like these that I realized I never truly had a
teacher before. My homeschooling was very basic and since I was eighteen I had
been obsessed with teaching myself, never before had I lived off someone else’s
knowledge.
“It's almost December", she said looking at a crossed out calendar,
"you'll start to find the town less quiet"
"I'll try to keep to myself."
"It gets busy around here as well. . I'm sure I could find you something
to do here"
"Work you mean", I said, "money doesn't really interest
me."
Said no one ever
I had never considered such a thought, though I new I was never going back to
the states. It was not just the idea of escaping. I was also determined to
start over.
-3-
It was one of the warm summery
months, I listened from the hallway I listened as Malika began to teach one of
her classes. The people she called her students had arrived by foot not a few
hours ago. I was surprised to find many of them were American, trying to escape
the harsh Eastern winter.
,
They leaned in and listened excitedly she spoke about peace and tranquility.
Everyone wanted to feel a connection to something that wasn't their own hectic
lives. As the group began to file out for whatever structured activity awaited
them next I ran into Malika in the hallway
"You should join my classes sometime", she said
" I'll thoughtfully decline.", she sensed my distance and did not
like it.
"Well, it might be good for the man who doesn't have a soul", she
said lightly, "Though I understand."
"Understand what ?"
"You are simply not an emotional person far to rational as you've already
said."
"I've been in love doesn't that count ? I've been angry I've been vengeful
and look where it has lead me"
"Maybe it's time to let that all go."
"Maybe I already have"
Tomas : Are you creating a male character with more angst and redemption than me ?
LiLe : Okay we aren’t in New York anymore so why are you even--
Tomas : Are you
LiLe : Oh, honey your
brand of angst is way more complex.
I enjoyed working at the ashram it had been a long time since I had done
anything with the least bit of meaning. The job was relatively easy because
Malika did not allow any modern conveniences like computers, meaning all
records had to be done by hand, something she herself was not very good at.
Though it was nice to have something distracting to spend my days with I still
like the solitude of having my own home and every night after dinner I
would take the 45 minute walk back to the house in the gated community.
Holy CRAP, this
chapter just keeps going. I've taken out most of the exposition. Can you tell ?
I watched the water till my eyes began to close but somewhere in the distance I
heard splashing. T
I swam towards the noise hoping it was an animal or the wind. I came closer to the spot where the noise was coming from and I felt something pull me beneath the water.
See, Mr. F is likes to swim like in LL. Do I get a continuity high five ?
I remembered to breathe and slowly
opened my eyes beneath the water.
A shadow figure appeared before my eyes and as I pushed towards the surface, I was
met with the dark hollow eyes of Lucie. She didn't speak and that was not like
her.
"Is everything alright ?", I asked her
Her emotions were more real and livid than ever, even when she wasn't speaking. She slowly began to shake her head.
"This is my fault", she said in a whisper to herself, "I--I shouldn't have come here.. . I have to fix this"
"Lucie, I beg you not be irrational."
"What ? like Roger was when he--"
Killed You );
"Lucie", I said not wanting to hear those words.
"I'll fix this . . . then we will all be happy. Just stay here"
ie "Me, you, Clara and the baby you don't know about"
Um, so Lucie has just
found out that Victor stole her Great-granddaughters soul to make himself
stronger and that her son is trying to kill a baby. So Lucie is fed up and trying to change.
She began to slowly swim away in the darkness and even though I had been
distracted I knew from Essex's book that Lucie's inhumanity was her nature. She
couldn't help to be cruel. No matter how hard she tried she would never be able
to feel anything human again.
Happiness, least of all.
---
In the years that followed I wondered how many times I had walked up the hill in the course of time, even days when I didn't walk I began to take runs through the trail in the forest. I tried to stay on the path but sometimes I veered off not arriving back till late in the evening.
The heat was relentless that night.
My sleep was constantly interrupted and plagued with dark dreams. Water leaking
from the roof caused me to open my eyes to the dim light of the room. I felt
the water running across the palm of my hand, instead of water a clear stream
of red blood ran down my finger tips.
It startled me and now that I was conscious I could smell blood. My clothes and
shoes were saturated with tiny red spots. Bloody footprints. . . my
bloody footprints made a path out the door.
For the first time Sivanada appeared to be a dangerous palce but I still
continued. I expected the main hall to be empty, instead I was met with the
limp bodies of the newlyweds (these people show up in a section I deleted. They show up all lovey dovey)
Their throats were slits, however that was the least they had suffered.
Something compelled me to come closer and I noticed their eyes had been gauged.
Their hands fashioned together to form a heart.
I pushed my way past those images and began to consider what I should do next
but my mind was clouded. Did I really think I could stay in one place for too
long ? That I could really ever get away from Lucie this was what I choose by
not killing myself but that was neither here nor there.
"Lucie, how could you be so cruel ?"
As expected she suddenly appeared in front of me.
I slipped on the muddy road, falling just at her feet. She knelt down to
my level.
"I'm not", she said, "I didn't do this. . . you have to come
with me now."
She
really didn’t do this. Victor did cause he needs to find a way to get Mr. F and
Clara together. Mr. F's was gone for like a year and a half.
"Why should I trust you ? All you've done is make my life a living
hell."
Literally
She turned away at my words.
"In the end. . . I'm the only person you have left."
It was time to start over again
---
The mirror
For some reason it was important
I had used my last check to purchase a ticket to England and
collected all the items in my safety deposit. I needed to shave and a
trim to make myself look presentable. I shuddered at the thought of the
hundreds of people I would have to encounter in the airport. I missed the
silence.
P.S Mr. F had a full
on beard up until this point. I mean he shaves it but still.
I didn't recognize myself in the
mirror, apart from the obvious I had hoped my reflection would look different.
. . perhaps more like a man who appeared to be a few months shy of 30.
I mean 29. He would be
28.
I held the sharp in of the well worn razor to my wrist for several seconds, it
was tempting. Death seemed to be following me. I did not have to be alone--
+6+
No, that was a weak moment
I ran my pen through the last line till the ink ran over the words and it was
as if it had never happened. I began to write again.
. . . shy of 30. I decided I would have to find my own peace
with who I was. I am no longer running but a man accepting his fate.
The pain of loss has faded over these years, I can only hope the same for you
Ms. DeLune.
A.M Fierro
May '11
What ? so this whole time Mr. F's words have been a diary entry.
Hmm, did I really do this ? I wanted the first name
his name is mentioned to be when Clara says it.I don't think his name is said at all in the first few chapters. Oh well
I signed my name and as soon as the
ink had dried I closed the journal and added it to the stack of others. I
placed the books in the hard wood safe that was encompassed in the highest
bell tower of the Abbey.
As I reached to shut the safe the twice folded picture slid out from one of the
journals. Without even looking at it I picked it up and tore it into a handful
of small pieces.
The journals would be best forgotten there.
You will be best forgotten there
0 :
He tore up the picture of Clara.
The bell began to toll silently behind me. I walked carefully around the old
bell. Light as a feather and carefully perched on the lip of the giant
bell Lucie enjoyed the view of the Irish countryside and it made her look
almost human.
I listened to the bell till late in the night and even still it echoed in
my dreams.
Okay,
so now we know what Clierro have been up to for the past 3 years. Also I like the imagery here of Mr. F and Lucie. I
Tomas : Is this really the longest chapter ? It’s only 5,000 words.
LiLe
: Yeah, I have no idea how I did those 8k-10k ones. Wait---