+1+
My eyes adjusted to the dark and I was not sure what to expect after barging in
unannounced.At first the room appeared empty and dark. There were a few red candles lit around the room.
I considered going back through when I realized he was sitting at the counter
using one of the candles to light a cigarette .
Tomas : Oh, lighting a
cigarette with a candle how classy. He
used a match to light the candles why
doesn't he use a match to light the cigarette.
LiLe : Smoking will
kill you, kids.
“Please, sit”, he said calmly
I sat at the stool along on the other side of the counter gently tucking my
legs to the side. The shirt he was waring lay open and I could see
the edge of a healing scar.
Aw, yeah setting the mood. Candles, open shirt, incenses.
“I have to tell you something.”, I said, “Something I’ve never told anyone.”
“Is this about what we discussed earlier ?”
“Maybe, I don’t know”, I took a deep breath, “the truth is I love my daughter,
I’m her mother I’m supposed to. But it’s always been really hard there is just
something about her. . . I don’t like. It’s as if the older she gets. . .”
I stopped not sure that I wanted to finish the sentence, some things were
better left unsaid.
“After. . . what happened I became somewhat of an expatriate myself. I was
determined to start over in Italia, my second home. I honestly didn’t
think anything would ever bring me back to Rochester. I was lying to
everyone when all I wanted to do was put everything behind me. The dark
terrified me, I was constantly afraid of going asleep and waking up locked in a
small room.
Really ? You can't just say Italy ?
And the nightmares. . .
I suppose sometimes in my nightmares I would see Lucie’s face looking down upon
me or yours. . . though that wasn’t really a nightmare.
Clara : Yeah, those were more
like sex dreams.
As soon as I could I left for Italy, I was doing so well for the first few
months.I had a beautiful apartment, my music had never been more inspired
and, Peter and I did become
closer. It was as if we had gone back to how things were.
That all changed when I began to get sick. I thought maybe it was the flu or I
had an infection from all my injuries. I had just gotten my bandages taken off
and didn’t want to see the inside of a hospital again.
Even after finding out I could never quite believe I was pregnant. It was too late for me to do anything about it. . .
So. . . yes, Clara would have had an abortion if she wasn't so far along. This is where some of her resentment for Rose comes from.
I couldn't hide the truth from Peter and I never felt like I needed my family
more. My mother was so happy to have me home and I found out I was having a boy.
I never left the house not that I had a reason to. Somehow I was
content keeping my pregnancy a secret for my father.
Clara : This better
not be that Electra complex popping up again.
Then something strange happened.
One day I woke up and my heart felt so dreadfully heavy. The excitement
changed and I guess the glow had faded. I felt incredibly sad as if I’d lost
something.
This is when Victor went all soul snatchy
I was so convinced something changed that day.
Rosalie was born at home a few months later.
I was in my room studying to start the PHD
program at Rochester when my water broke.
I was scared almost petrified, when the contractions started I didn’t move I
didn’t scream I just felt comatose like something was keeping me trapped on the
bed.
. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I felt like the pain was my punishment for all the lies I was telling, it was physical pain and it helped deal with the emotional pain.
In a house so large even if I would have yelled I doubt anyone would have heard
me.
The nanny found me , my
mother kept asking me why I didn’t say anything but I couldn’t answer. My
mother held my hand till the midwife arrived. Father stood there with his arms folded with such a bold
disappointed look, Father left when the mid
wife arrived and he took my mother with him.
I begged him to let my mother
stay, I needed her, but he wouldn’t listen. He refused me the simple comfort of
my own mother.
Clara's dad is pretty mean here. He's going to get it in the next serial. . .
I heard them say "it's a girl" but I knew that that wasn't right I was supposed to have a son. Then I saw her face, or lack there of. I looked for her eyes and mouth but they weren't there and no one else seemed alarmed.. I thought I was delusional that I had given birth to some monster . .. my bed was soaked in blood and . . .
So Roasalie was born with a caul, so it made it look like she didn't have a face. So Clara is to afraid to hold her and when her bonding issues started.
I had passed out and I don’t remember much after that except for being
taken to the hospital. I was later told that my baby had been born with a caul
and due to complications I couldn't have anymore children.
My mother and father stayed with me at the hospital and it wasn’t till later
that I realized that there was no one to watch Rosalie during her first weeks in
the world.
So Rosalie wasn't held by Clara until a few weeks after she was born.
The first thing Father did once I was healthy and at home was sit the entire
family down; me, Clarice, Claudia, their husbands, and Mother.
“The DeLune family has been through a lot lately”, he said, “we just need to
stay afloat and remember to keep family matters within the family.”
He pulled me aside into the hall while everyone sat to dinner,.
“I’m so disappointed in you, Clara”, he said, “Now we all have to live with
your mistakes”
"I'm so sorry, Papa", I'd begged for his forgiveness and he slapped
me. I tried to get up and he hit me again.
Clara : Since when do I call my dad Papa ?
LiLe : Because you
want him to feel bad for you
"I won't have a whore calling me that name", he said that hurt more
than his hand.
I wish this was the last time someone called Clara a whore for having a baby out of wedlock.
Ms. 3 : GLARES
I suppose she was a good baby, she hardly ever cried and was always prone to
nosebleeds. She wouldn’t even let me feed her, which made me upset at first but
it gave me time to do other things.
So, when babies don't breast feed it gets kind of painful so this doesn't help R/C's relationship.
Sometimes when I was washing her little clothes by hand it made me feel more
like a mother than when I was holding her. She never cried, she never needed to
be comforted, she never needs me.
My family went on vacation just before Rose’s first birthday leaving just me
and Nanny Ella at the house
Ella and I brought her presents and baked a cake but Rosalie wouldn’t eat it.
In the middle of our party I went upstairs to find her presents and found
an unopened blue and yellow blanket I’d brought before she as born.
She was to big for it by then but I opened it, and it still smelled so clean an
untouched. For some reason I started crying. . .I truly felt as if had
lost something
I suppose the point I’m trying to say is sometimes when it comes to Rosalie I
feel nothing. I’m just going through the motions of being her mother and I know
she is doing the same. She never needs me to protect or comfort her. Everytime
she calls me Mommy I can feel her seething indifference
I have to love her because she’s my daughter, but the truth is there is
something wrong with her, something terrible that I have to live with every
single day and whatever it is I hate her for it.
Perhaps if she did die it would put us both out of our misery."
So this entire thing here was my basis for R/C relationship. I know exploring the dark side of motherhood is very new age feminism.
+2+
I stopped talking and finished my conversation with the untouched half
empty scotch glass in my hand.
“I’ve nearly talked the night away, I should let you get some sleep”, I said
I didn’t get up and he didn’t say anything but put the freshly lit cigarette
out.
“Say something”, I said
“Either way I suppose she is just a child”
Mr. F : It seems odd
that she would tell me this. Almost like she thinks it’s important that I know
about Rosalie’s life. But why would it matter to me . . . ? Hmmm. Wait what
if --
That made me angry, anyone who spent more than 5 minutes felt uncomfortable
with her. If anyone I expected him to be honest with me. Apparently that was
asking to much.
“Good Night, then”, I said
“Truthfully, I’ve only heard you speak of obligatory love with one other person
?”
I stopped at the door and turned around.
“Who ?”
“Lucie”, he said
“I suppose that’s true”
LilLOMG, Rosalie is really the reincarnation of Lucie
Red Herring : Stop
LiLe : Okay
There was a long silence, a real silence
“It’s quiet”
I peeked through the door and saw Rose had fallen asleep on the bed, the small
room was in a complete disarray around her. She had curled up with Ann and
slept comfortably on her side of the bed.
I turned away, nearly running into Mr. Fierro’s chest.
“You could have married, if you really wanted”, he said closing t
and locking the door, “I didn’t mean for you to be . . . heartbroken”
It seemed to be the only part of the story he remembered
“It was only natural, I suppose.” My eyes were focused on the key in his hand,
“It wasn’t until later that I realized. . . and thought I. .
“Thought what ?”
“I realized that I’d never get to tell you that I loved you, I began to think
maybe I never did”
LiLe has thoughts about this, but I'll save them until much much later.
. . .
But incase I never get to it I have this working theory that Clara and Fierro's relationship is based on companionship or curing the loneliness they both feel. The next big step for them would be to develop a close and intimate friendship for a longtime, which I think is why I never pushed them as being lovers.
“Did you ?”
I stood on the tip of my toes and even though I knew I shouldn’t I pressed my
lips to just underneath his. His hand slid underneath my jaw keeping me pressed
to him. He relaxed a bit and kissed me, tracing the darkened lines of each of
my scars with his lips.
Ugh, Mr. F gave her these scars. I'm not sure how I feel about this now
I kissed him back eagerly, maybe to eagerly I could still taste bitter tea on
his lips and my tongue. My back was now firmly against the door and even though
I could feel the handle burring into my skin.
"look at me", he said, "Stop hiding your face from me."
Aw, yeah
I did, but my eyes lingered. Nobody looked at me like for to long. I couldn't
remember the last time I had been so close to someone.
Or could I.
"Do you still love me ?", I asked, my eyes still adverted
"I'm afraid I asked you first, Ms. DeLune"
"I--it doesn't matter", I realized. He untangled himself from me and
I backed towards the door, "This is why you lied to me. I can say whatever
I want but she will never let us be together. You were going to kill yourself
to be with her."
"I was attempting to save you."
And then he ruins it by talking.
"There could have been another way, but she is always Lucie, your wife.
Don't you remember that she chose my grandfather over you, she loved the man
that killed you and still you honor her as your wife ? "
BURN !
"Ms. DeLune--"
I lost it and threw my scotch glass onto the hard tile.
"You can't even call me by my fucking first name."
I stepped over the glass shutting the door behind me.
+3+
It was six in the morning and the sun had just barely come up, I knew I had to
work quietly and quickly if I wanted to be as far away from London as I could
by morning.
Rosalie slept, lost to the world in the lobby while I checked out the hotel and
watched the bell man pack our simple belongings into the rental car.
Once Rosalie was settled in the back seat I just started driving. For the first
time I didn't know where I was going but somehow I knew it was safer. I knew I
couldn't put myself through the impossible again.
Driving through the countryside was tranquil in it's own right.
Rose remained quiet, her gaze concentrating on the view outside. The road began
to narrow but for as long as it would go on so would we.
It's not mentioned but in my head Rose is in a car seat so . . .safety
Despite my need to move forward I pulled off at a small off-the-road coffee
shop feeling the need for another black coffee.
"Isn't it beautiful, Rosalie ?", I asked looking around, "this
is exactly the kind of place we need to be."
I didn't expect her to answer and she didn't. I sat outside to drink my coffee, the high of
leaving was suddenly disappering. Rosalie began to wander off picking up
wildflowers and weeds by the road.
Sofia & Tomas : She’s doing what ?
LiLe
: Seriosuly
I grabbed my phone and searched for the last number called. It seemed to
endlessly ring until someone picked up.
"Clara", Peter's voice was calm.
"Peter, listen. I made a mistake leaving. . . Rosalie and I are coming
back to Italy--"
"Clara I know something is wrong, I need you to be honest with me
first."
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know the moment we get in from
Edinburgh"
"Edinburgh ? What on earth are doing out there."
"Driving, getting perspective. I just realized I need to move on and I
can't go back to Rochester. I want to be home. . . with you. Please tell me you
will be waiting for me ?"
"I'll be waiting for both of you."
"Thank you, Peter."
"Anything, Clarabelle", he replied. I smiled slightly on the other
end at his use of my nickname.
PETER & CLARA FOREVER !
I looked up from my coffee to see Rosalie with her hands pressed to the car attempting to peer into the window, she was rather close to the road and I wanted warn her but for some reason I didn't have it in me.
Worst mother ever.
"Mommy", Rosalie called to me.
She called me again still facing the car.
"Where's Ann ?", she asked pressing her hands against the glass.
I thought about how the bell man had packed the car and what a rush I had been
in to pack. It probably didn't help that I had been slightly hungover. Had I
thrown it in the trunk or maybe it had fallen out in the hurry I was in to
leave.
Ugh, Clara you are pulling a Tomas on the unlikeableness. You've been through alot I'll let it slide.
"You left her", she said, her eyes brimming with tears, "You
left her on purpose"
I thought "purpose" was a strange word for her to use, had I taught
her that ?
"No I didn't.", I said remembering the doll was probably still curled
up under the covers in the bed where Rosalie had slept.
"Please Mommy, please we have to go back."
I closed my eyes expecting a tantrum but she remained quiet. Her hands were
still pressed to the glass and in the reflection I could see the tears falling
from her eyes.
"Please Mommy, please", she begged, "Mommy we have to go
back"
I moved her out the way to open the door but she walked away, standing in the
middle of the street. I slammed the door hard and leaned on the car watching
her.
"Rosalie I don't have time for this"
Mommy has a hot
Italian prince to fall in love with so don’t you go around trying to ruin it.
She didn't move and the last thing I needed was another bite mark. The air was
filled with a low hum and in the distance I saw a black pick-up truck speeding
down the road.
Do they have black pick-ups in English countrysides ?
"Rosalie, a car is coming"
She dug her heels further into the ground.
"Rosalie, please", I yelled to her.
I dropped my coffee and ran to the middle of the road, I could already hear the
car's horn blaring while struggling to get Rosalie to move. The horn became
louder and I heard the breaks screech just inches from where we were standing.
A group of confused teenagers got out of the pickup, I looked down at Rosalie
and she seemed unusually calm.
"Take me back", she said again
"Okay", I gave in.
To be sure I arranged for us to leave for Italy from London. I couldn't help
but to think if Rosalie wasn't with me I would have never been here to start. .
.
So what you are saying
is that if Rosalie hadn’t been there you probably wouldn’t have come across Mr.
F again.
I checked my review mirror her glossed over red eyes peering back at me.
"Hurry, Mommy, Hurry"
Clara : What is her
problem it’s just a doll. Its's not like some Evil plan and crazy-ass plotting is about to unfold. . .
+4+
The desk clerk was off an afternoon break, a sign denoting when he would be
back rest on the front desk.
"I guess we will have to wait--"
I turned to see Rosalie already climbing the stairs, begrudgingly I followed
her up to the fourth floor. Once we were in front of the room I realized that
it would probably be locked.
"It's locked"
"No it's not", she said
Frustrated I reached for the door and it clicked opened I moved in front of
Rosalie an opened the door.
All the windows had been closed, the room had yet to even been turned over. I
stepped inside and was met with the tall figure of Mr. Fierro standing
over the bed where just hours ago I had slept.
Awww ): Mr. F wakes up to find Clara gone without a good-bye and all he can do is just stand there. ):
I set the rental keys on the table to make just enough noise for him to know I
was there. He didn't seemed to be startled but didn't turn around.
"I thought you had left"
"I did" I said honestly
"And yet you have come back--"
"For my daughter's doll, that's it."
I removed the coverings
from the bed and turned the sheets over and there was no sign of Ann.
"Its not here"
"No", she protested.
"Just. . . keep looking"
I walked over to the adjoining door which was still opened I knocked before
entering. I could smell the pot of bitter tea brewing on the counter.
"Have you seen the doll ? It has a green and yellow dress"
"I don't have time for this Ms. DeLune"
"I know I shouldn't have just left", I said, "Though I meant
every word I said."
"You should have left. What you shouldn't have done was comeback"
This seems like a pair of super cliched lines
"Why do I feel as if there is something you aren't telling me."
" The fact that I am, as you say ,unable to love should make what I have
to stay that much easier. But first I must ask if there is also something you
aren't telling me ?"
Mr. F : Like that Rose is my daughter, I just figured it out last night.
"Before I leave", I started, "I should at least tell you that--"
OMG, LET HER FINISH
"It was wrong of me to continue as I did last night. . . knowing what I
know."
I was startled to think there was more he was keeping from me.
"What do you know ?"
"Victor is not going to kill your daughter, I. . ."
Am. Was what he was
going to say. Becuase Essex told him he was going to kill her and Essex gave him a gun.
I started coughing till I
realized that I was really gasping for air. I fell backwards off the stool
slamming into the tile. My hands had insticlty gone to my throat the tea now
burning me inside and out.
He stood over me, stoic and silent.
"You", I was able to make out, "You poisoned me"
No.