Tomas
Part One
She shrugs her shoulders and turns her head to go back to sleep.
I turn the overhead light on, taking a moment to watch as the scenic view of I-95 passes by. Taking a pencil from my carry-on bag I finish working on the sketch I had started on during the first few hours of my journey. I turned the volume up on my ipod getting lost in my work, wishing it was the rich texture of skin underneath my pen.
Everything I needed in the world was sitting on the bus in an old leather carry-on with me including; 2 sets of clothes, 500 dollars in cash, a sketch pad, box of pencil, box of cigarettes, my lighter, an new pack of matches and a stolen set of incense.
I watched the minutes tick by on my watch as the night consumed the day. The bus stopped for a quick break and I took the opportunity to smoke my last cigarette. I shook around the gold band in the bottom and threw it back in my bag. When I find my way back to my seat the woman has my sketch pad in her hand.
“She’s beautiful”, the woman comments, “Who is she?”
“I don’t know”, I say taking the paper from her
Curling into the window seat my nerves at all time high but there is no turning back now. When the bus lurches to its final stop, the chill air reminds just how unprepared I was when I left.
I’d gone back to the apartment afterward no doubt Eric, Maddie and Siobhan had heard about Terry. It was like the world got a little bit dimmer, I couldn’t---no--wouldn’t stay for the funeral. Unless God himself made an appearance I imagined it couldn’t live up to what someone as kind, open and honest as him deserved.
When the bus pulled up to the station I sat up bleary-eyed and prepared for what was the longest cab ride of my life to Angeline’s house. Half way there I pulled a jackass move and asked to be dropped off at a bar. There was now way in hell I was doing this sober.
2 shots of bourbon later I found myself hiding in a tree in Angeline Duval’s front yard. I had heard a car pull in to the drive way and realized I needed to see her first. I watched from what I hoped was a sturdy branch as a shiny black Lexus pulled into the drive way.
A blonde man dressed to nice in his mid thirties got out the front seat and opened the passenger side, he had a playful smile on his face. I felt a knot in my chest. She was wearing a knee length coat, her dress a few inches longer and a pair of boots with what Terry would have called “fuck me heels”. She was holding a bag from some fancy restaurant. The man took her hand and walked her to the front door, his lips a little to close to hers
“Please leave”, I whispered.
He opened the door and led her inside.
You can run away all you want but a monster was taking over
me. That bastard looked to good, smiled to much. That bastard had touched my
I landed on the ground as ungracefully as possible and made
my way to the back yard. How many times had I climbed to
I began climbing old ladder, hoping it would hold and at the same time hoping it wouldn’t. I heard a clunk and saw my ipod lying in pieces on the ground. I griped the wrought iron balcony when I reached for it, the rust pierced my skin a little but I pulled my weight over.
I saw some movement through the curtain slightly parted curtains I could glance into her room I. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, the man was handing her a freshly scrawled prescription. Could this be the infamous Dr. David Amherst Sofia hated working for?
He unbottnoned a few buttons on his over priced shirt and kissed her lightly before leaving her bedroom.
You better leave.
I started to knock when she pulled her dress over her head, laying on her bed only in a thin white slip. My fingers started to twitch at some devious thoughts. I raised my hand to the glass but hesitated when she lifts the hem of the slip, her fingers trailing up and down her thighs.
The whole scene was ruined by the idea that he had made her feel that way. That didn’t sit well with me.
Her hand grazes over her panties and I close my eyes and tap on the glass urgently with my finger nails.
I hear her sit up quickly, I open my eyes to see her look to the door before glancing at the window. She walks to the window and pushes back the curtain.
+++
She jumps back at first; I put my hand on the glass and mouthed “open the door”. She hesitates and that nearly sets me off, didn’t she know it was cold out here? I stood back when she opened the door, but my hands ached to touch her.
I run my thumb across her jaw, she opens her mouth slightly at my touch. The heat of my anger build up, how could she lie in bed and think of another man
“What have you been up to
I grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and pressed her into the wall leaning in close to her ear, I want to say something inspiring or romantic but all that comes out is a long, passionate and ultimately possessive kiss.
Each kiss and touch had one distinctive meaning
Mine
“Are you still mine,
She doesn’t answer so I ask her again and she nods her head yes, It brings new life to the devil taking over me, I want to throw her down on the bed and show her just how much I need her, loud enough for the prick down the hall to hear her.
“You know why that is”, I sound like a mad man but I don’t
care I need to control something; her body is tense, scared. Good, “Because
it’s mine” I tell her, gently running a finger over her making her shiver.
Her heels make her the same height as me. I can see clear into her watering eyes. I can’t read her emotions. I kiss her again and get my bag from the balcony when my cell phone goes off.
The light to her bathroom is already on; I splash some cold water on my face and change clothes. Curious I open the medicine cabinet; it’s empty except for a few decorative perfume bottles. When I step out she is lying her bed, like she has a headache.
“
It’s like I asked her the hardest question in the world. I ask her again, getting as close as I dare, I lean over her and our noses touch, she winces as my hair falls on her face.
“
I accidentally let a tear slip onto her cheek; she wipes it away with her ring finger and turns away from me.
The silence is like torture to me, I need a second chance. God, I need more time.
+++
I decide to just fuck it and stay in a nice hotel, one that just happens to have a bar open late. Even though it’s a little after midnight I haven’t been able to get past a seltzer water. I couldn’t stop deciphering whatever it was I had seen.
Pictures
I worked in pictures, images, sketches. The doctor had held
her hand and kissed but
I headed back to my room feeling defeated and way to sober. I needed to go back to see her tomorrow, figure things out.
Part Two
When I arrived at the house I sent the car on, I looked through the windows on the front to see if she was alone. She was sitting on the piano in the living room reading; a cup of tea placed next to her. She was the picture of perfection. I knocked leaving the roses on the front porch and hiding from her view.
She comes to the door quickly and before she can look at the blank card attached to the flowers I push my way inside the house
“
She shakes her head “no”, her lips heavily pressed together.
“Why not? Is it because you’re sad? Is it because of me, Sofie? Is this about you little love affair with the doctor? “
“Stop talking”, she holds her hand to her mouth as if she let a secret slip
“You’re my wife, Sofia”
“Stop”, she says picking up the tipped over cup, “You didn’t just leave me you left me all alone.”
“Selfish girl”
“What? I’m selfish you ranaway. It’s only convient for me to be your wife when you want me around or want to stay in the god damn country”, her voice is tiny and I have a hard time believing her.
“And does Dr. Amherst always want you around? You can manage on your own you
know”
“Can I ? I was living in an apartment and at a job Angeline gave me before I met you. And the one thing I do on my own, the one choice I ever made was you”
“Shit, aren’t you going to ask me if I’m okay? Do you even want to know where I was”, I yell back at her
“No”, She decides to end our loud conversation and run as fast as she can upstairs, I wasn’t finished yet so I follow her, into her bedroom, “Why are you following me ? Did you come back for me ?”
“Were you waiting for me?”, I ask picking up the prescription David gave to her: Anxiety Meds.
Damn
“Tomas”, she says my name and it burns me, “I’ve had a lot of time to think about how this would go. You and I. . . we have managed to push everyone in our lives away…. Or maybe we’re like magnets that just repel other people . . . when we are together it’s just us . . . no real friends or family”
Her words are incoherent but I get it, I hadn’t spoken to my mother in over a year, I searched for the names of my other friends or family. Judson came to mind but he was my boss.
Terry
Terry came to mind and he was dead, I was supposed to die first.
“We could have started our own family”, I don’t mean a thing I say
“I have David now”, more burning words
“What if I told you you had to come with me ?”, I close the door to her room and start kiss her cheek, under her eyes by the time I reach her lips they are already open, “What if I told you that no other man can ever kiss you again ?”
“I’d say your full of shit”, she moves away from me, “ I’d say you think you can use your soft lips and intriguing accent to make me do whatever you want. I told I’ve had a lot of time to think”
“I see, you want to be with your loving David” I start with a mocking tone, “you want to be a Doctor’s wife, live unfulfilled while he fucks the pretty secretary?”
She ignores the pretty god damn accurate comment and I realize I have no idea what my intentions are.
“You only bought one bag with you, you’re not staying”, she says
“No”, I realize I’m still clutching the carry-on
She opens the drawers on her dresser and takes out my silver cross; her wedding band is also hanging on the chain.
“I’m not coming with you”
I take the necklace and toss it out of her hands and drop my bag and began kissing her, for the first time it what seems like forever she kisses me back. With each kiss I remove a button from her blouse and push it off her shoulders, she doesn’t protest, but I just want to see her tattoo.
Her skin feels warm next to my cold hands. Once her blouse is open and I realize she’s not wearing a bra I trail my tounge down her neck to the tattoo on her stomach. She pulls me back up to her mouth.
I had never been so confused in my entire fucking life.
Her fingernails scratch my back as she removes my shirt. The
feeling of her bare skin against mine is sensation I wouldn’t forget, it’s my
new addiction and I want more. I take off a unfamiliar bracelet she's wearing and all her jewelry including A silver comb hold her hair in place, her soft hair flows around my hand.
We both fall onto her unmade bed, I break our kiss and watch her remove the rest of our clothes, slowly, meticulous and unsure. She’s lying inches away from me, her bare body partially covered by the organza sheets. I want to reach out to her, touch her make love to her, she’s so beautiful
“I’m okay”, she assures me. Oh, how I’ve blinded her
“Do love me?” I ask her
“. . . Do you love me”
Looking into her eyes never feels awkward, but at the same time feel alone
“I’ve just never heard you say it. . . I wish you had more time. . .”, I let my words trail off
“I don’t understand”, she looks so vulnerable, scared and it’s all because of me
“Sofie”, I hear my voice crack but continue, “I don’t want to leave you alone, I don’t want you to be alone . . . again”, for a second I think I can keep it together but the tears start to fall.”
“Tomas, you’re scaring me”
“Sofie. . . I have AIDS. . . I’m going to die. . .I’m sorry”
I give up on holding it back and start crying in every sense of the word. I can’t even look at her but I feel her arms around me, trying to comfort me. . . she’s trying so hard. I’m wating for her to tell me to man up to get the fuck over it, I struggle to catch my breath but I know I’m going to pass out.
“Calm down”, her voice is soothing but she’s fighting tears, she’s better at fighting, “You have to breathe”
“I-“
“shhhh”, she lays her head down on my shoulder and her arms around my neck, “Just let it out”
I want to be strong but I can’t, not anymore. I close my eyes and try to calm down, her body fits so well against mine. I want to die right here like this. I feel her slip away from me my body ached for the loss of contact I heard rattling and the door open.
I opened one eye at a time and saw she had tripped over my bag on her way out the antiretroviral medicines are scattered on the floor. I brace myself for when she comes back into the room with a loosely tied robe on.
“Drink this”, she offers me the cup in her hand, her voice sounds shaky. I don’t really want to but all I want to do now is make her happy.
“Why is this tea so fucking cold?”
“It’s juice”
“Right”, I put the cup down and I want to ask her to hold me again but I’m afraid she’ll say no.
“Tell me”, she says, “Tell me everything”
Part Three
“It was a needle, I guess. I guess I thought I was going through withdrawal... . They threw this party for. . .something about celebrating life. I hid and thought about you”
I had so many questions, first who was they, where had he been that couldn’t have been everything.
“How long?”
He considers what I’m asking and I realize that that question has so many answers.
“I’ve known since September. . . I’ve probably been infected for a year”
“And you were going to have sex with me”
He finally looks up, “I figured it didn’t matter”
Fuck
We shared a needle
“That’s why you came back, that’s what you were apologizing for last night”
He nods; I brace myself for him to start crying again, I honestly don’t think I can take it. Our silence is interrupted by a bleeping coming from his bag. I take out a phone and turn it off, it’s an alarm.
“I have some clothes in the laundry room”, I try not trip
over my feet and words,
“I’m going to change and. . .Um”
“Yeah”, he finishes
I scramble down to the basement taking one of the dresses of the hanger; it’s still a little damp. I didn’t know if I was angry, scared or happy. I’d convinced myself that I could learn to love David, be protected be safe. I had held my emotions inside all this time, I could do it now.
I grabbed my coat from the closet and saw Tomas was sitting on the couch, his eyes were still red I could hear him chocking back tears. I put a few extra tissues in my pocket. I tapped him on the shoulder and gave him the keys to the Volkswagen Angeline had given me.
“You don’t have to do this. . .with me”, he says
I just make my way out to the car.
+++
30 minutes
For 30 minutes I was neither here nor there, I was blissfully unaware. Tomas reaches for my hand but I shake it loose. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in a clinic waiting room.. I want to be home, reading and deciding what to make for dinner. I want to decide what to make for dinner for the rest of my life. Hadn’t I spent enough times in hospitals
“Please”, he says reaching for my hand again. I decide to oblige
29 minutes
For 29 minutes I was neither here nor there, I was blissfully unaware.
David had taken me in despite my faults; he was a doctor he could take care of me, never asking for anything to hard in return.
When Angeline left I assumed he would be moving out. There was nothing else he could do but he had signed a lease with Angeline and said we could share the house, that’s when he told me to call him David.
David
David and Sofia, I liked that. David never asked for anything in return; not affection, conversation, hold hands or to wait.
28 minutes
+++
Somewhere along getting to the clinic and leavingT omas told me that not knowing was the hardest part. Something about going through life unsure, I think he likened it to going through life not knowing whether you’re male of female. It was stupid but it stuck with me.
I hadn’t said a word to him when we left the clinic and he drove to the bus station. I sat quietly as he got out of the car and light a cigarette with an open box of matches, checking his watch.
“So”, I step as close as I dare, “I tell you and no matter what, you’re going back and I’m shit out of luck?”
“Just tell me”
I’d lived in Petal Brook for 6 years, Tomas his whole entire life just across the river. I wondered if we’d ever past each other in the store, hell, we’d both spent a fare share of time in hospitals. The first time we saw each other, strangers on a bus, he’d remembered me and had waited to apologize me, he remebered. I hadn’t said a word to him since we left the clinic. He’d waited long enough.
“It was negative”
“Shit”, he kicks the side of my car
He throws his cigarette aside and hugs me tightly; I reach for the tissues in my bag and wipe his eyes with them.
“I want to know, Sofie”, his tone of voice sounds different.
“Know what”
If it’s even possible he holds me tighter, “I want to know everything about your entire life. . .what you do with your life, if you have children. Hell, I want to be there for your next birthday. . . I don’t want to leave you alone. . . I don’t want to die, Sofie”
My eyes are straining not to cry
I feel the heat of tears and let them silently fall. So, much for being the
strong one. I think reality is setting in and it's easier this way, but hten again. Maybe I'm one of those people who doesn't get to have close friends or family. Maybe.
“How long”, I ask
We break our tight embrace, but he keeps his arms around my waist. I think he feels that if he lets go I'll fly away. His eyes are cloudy and tired and face slightly blushed from the temperature. How did I not notice how sickly he looked, he was still beautiful. . . I could learn to love him--
“2 years”
But I didn’t have enough time, he leaned forward to kiss me his lips are cold and the smell of tobacco, roses and was that amber? Was oddly welcoming I moved closer. It was simple he didn’t want me to watch him die . . . no, he didn’t want to watch me live.
I figure it's my time to spill to tell him how I feel, maybe shed a few more tears. Tell him that I don't think it's fair maybe our whole entire relationship has been a big mis-communication and whether we wanted to admit it or not, we loved each other and not loving him wasn't going to make death easier.
“Sofie”
“Yes”, I wonder if he can hear my thoughts
“You don’t have a license do you?”
“No”, something about the way he smells draws me closer
“So, how are you going to get back?”
“Oh, I can jus-“
“Come with me”
“What?”
I can’t tell if he’s serious but he grabs my hand, running across the parking lot to the station before I can make a choice but I already made a choice a long time ago. He drops the keys somewhere along the way.
Sometimes the best thing about having no one and nothing is that you can go anywhere.
♥~THE END ~ ♥