I
Green velvet dress, check, black patent leather shoes, check, jingle bell around my neck and a festive Christmas tote I was officially the walking Christmas spirit. I did some last minute make up and made my way out of the hotel taking a complimentary candy cane on my way out.
I had arrived in
The taxi pulled up infront of Mayfield Home for Women just at the start of visiting hours. I hadn’t been there in 4 or had it really been 6 years. I stepped around the back, holding my breathe.
I took the cobblestone path one step at a time; I can’t believe I still needed to adjust to the altitude. When I reached the end of the path I reach a familiar clearing. I step foot on the hallowed ground and approached my mother’s headstone.
Anneleigh Allison Madagin
February 6th 1971-November 19th 2001
Mother
Friend
I placed the candy cane down in the dirt followed by the carnations I had picked up at the airport.
“Hey Mom, I know it’s been a while”, I hold myself together remarkably well, “Um, Merry Christmas. Speaking of Merry. I’m married. I know you hate marriage but it’s an experience . . . Look, I know that this is what you wanted but I just wonder if you thought of me. . . I just wish you could be here, I’ve really needed you lately and-“
I turn at the sound of footsteps, I see one of the nurses from the home walking closer to me.
“Alright back here?” she says. I’ve been in the city to long her niceness shocks me
“Yeah, I was just visiting”, I decide I like that word
“I remember Anneleigh, she was so full of life when she wasn’t fighting with orderlies”
“That sounds about right”
I dust myself off and realize I’m all dressed up with no place to go.
“I’m sure if she could she’d be here”, the nurse tries to comfort me
“I don’t think so, my mother killed herself”
I walk past the nurse where the taxi is still waiting. She may be resting but I’m at peace.
When I get back to the hotel I take a handful of sleeping pills and set my alarm so I don’t miss my flight, I need to get out of here. When my head hits the pillow my cell phone goes off, I realized I’d left it in the room.
“Hello”
“Sofia, Hi”
“Severine ?”
“Yeah, just wanted to say hi and happy holidays”
“Same here”
“Okay, well you know, I’ll probably see you in
“That sounds great. . .”
“Are you okay, Sof”
“Yes, I was just expecting someonelse”
“Oh,Okay well I guess I’ll see you soon”
“Bye”
I close my phone and briefly wonder how Severine knew where I was living, but she had connections. I checked my phone. No messages. I gave into sleep.
+++
Tomas
I almost didn’t take the bus back to
Almost.
I welcomed the sounds of the city and people crowding in early for the New Years. I decided to stop by my studio instead of going home. A few more hours not wasting electricity would save some money. I spent the day working on my masterpiece taking a break only to get Sofia from the airport..
Her plane came in late and I wondered if she had the same doubts I had about coming back, maybe she decided to run off with some simple Midwestern guy or met another charming doctor. My fantasies of my wife with other men were interrupted by a tap on my shoulder.
So she had come back.
“Hi”, I kiss her on the cheek
“You didn’t call me”, she reminds me
“Damn, I always forget I have this thing”,
Holy shit, I didn’t call my wife on Christmas. I’m slightly amused that she can’t really do anything to retaliate, but still.
“Okay, did you like your present”
Shit, 2 for 2
“Yeah, I loved it”
I take her back to the loft and tell I need to do some more work at the studio. Once I was inside I went through my luggage till I find the present and quickly unwrapped it; a tie. Feeling like I dodged a bullet I head home to find dinner already made.
“I made vegetable Lasagna”, she said
“Great”
“um, you didn’t get me anything”
“Yes I did”
“You did?”
“Yes, one passion filled night of love making with your husband. Would you like it now or later”
She rolls her pretty brown eyes at me.
+++
The days leading up to New Years I find myself working more than usual, I even allow myself to do the occasional gang tattoo, to make a little extra money. I do have help from, Kasey a college student I hired. He is fine arts major and knew how to handle himself, and what really sealed the deal was that he was gay.
Hours before 2008, there is an all out Rave in the lobby of the building. If it had been up to me I would have stayed working all night but I didn’t like leaving Sofia alone. When I get to the loft she has the used TV I bought plugged in, Charleston sleeping comfortable on top of it.
I crash on the couch and pull her down to lay with me, Charleston wakes up and leaps over to join her.
“I’m going to fall asleep”, I warn her
“That’s okay”
Maybe it’s the five energy drinks I had that day but I manage to stay up till the countdown. I can’t believe all those people can fit in one city.
“We should go to times square next year”
She doesn’t say anything and I know making long term plans . . . is difficult at best.
When midnight falls we toast and watch as people hug and kiss on TV and I can’t help but wonder.
Is this the year I’m going to die.
+++
“It’s gone”, I wake up from my nap in my chair to see Sofie storm in from the back of the studio, “The. . . from the back it’s gone, I think someone stole it”
She starts rummaging in her purse for her phone when I decide to stop her. It’s been a quiet day people are most likely nursing hangovers.
“It’s not gone. I moved it”
“Why”
“Do you remember when I told you I needed you to do something you wouldn’t like”
She folds her arm remembering our conversation a few weeks ago.
“Yes”
“I want to have my funeral. . .early”
“I don’t understand”
“I just want to get it out of the way, that’s why I went home I had to invite some people, well someone”
She’s looking at me like I’m crazy but I’m sure with all the reading she’s done she knows it’s been done before.
“I don’t have a choice do I”
“You do, but I want you there. I want you to go be sad, cry, just deal with the pain and come home and be in arms. So when it comes down to really saying good-bye I want you to come home and feel that I’m there. . .waiting for you”
She teeters a bit on her high heels, I prepare to catch her if she falls but she doesn’t instead she slowly pulls her sweater over her head.
“I want you to put that here”, she turns her back to me
“What exactly”
“I’m there waiting for you”, is all she says
We trade places, I can’t get over how clear and smooth her skin is. I move her hair to the side of her neck. She lets out a breath as I kiss her neck.
“Beautiful”
I can’t see her face but I’m pretty sure she smiled.
II
It feels weird having Emma in my living room but there she was. She had agreed to come to my funeral at Christmas and even though she looked uneasy I was glad she was there.
“I can’t believe you live here”, she said peeking out the window.
“Exciting, I know”, I was to tired to consider what emotion I should have
“No, I mean this place is like crime-hipster-central what gives?”
“Rent control”
She laughs a little and starts playing with the cat who seemd to like the extra attention . I peer over to the bedroom door, I had gotten up early to pick up Emma from the bus station and effectively hadn’t seen Sofia all morning.
“I should go, Sofie has the directions. She’s not exactly okay with this”
“Your going to leave me here with your wife? We haven’t even met it’s weird”
“I know but if I see she-“
And as if on cue the door open, she looks right past me and to Emma. Her hair is in tight curls with dark eye make up and deep red lips along with a deep black dress and what must be 6 inch heels, she looks to pretty to be going to a funeral.
“Hi. . .Emma is it”, she walks past me like I’m not even there, she shakes Emma’s hand and I realize she is going all out with this.
Good
And for a moment this isn’t one of my ridiculous last request anymore. I’m starting to find solace in the fact that by tomorrow I’ll be here again. I hoped death wouldn’t be like this seeing, watching, feeling all without consequence.
Emma smiles she seems at ease with the situation but looks back at me as she leaves.
“Wait, I’m sorry”, she says steeping a little closer, “This feels wrong you should be there”
“I don’t know if I can, this isn’t for me this for all of you”, I give Sofie a quick glance.
“I just don’t’ understand why you are doing this”
“I just don’t plan on having a real funeral, you want to say good-bye say it now”
“To an empty coffin ?”, a chill runs through me
“When the time comes my body will be empty too”
This doesn’t seem to put her at ease but Sofia takes her out the door, I decide I need a drink.
+++
I woke up this morning and put myself in the right mindset. Tomas Alexander was dead and today was his funeral. It helped that he wasn’t there when I woke up but little things made it seem like hours ago we were together and now we weren’t.
Tomas had told me the other day that his friend from Petal Brooke would be there apparently they had been estranged and he wanted to mend bridges.
Her name was Emma Masen, she had one of those infectious personalities where not smiling seemed unnatural to her.
We arranged for a taxi to take us to the church. It was an outreach church who supported the HIV/AID community and regularly had “early funerals” like this for free. Just by doing this Tomas was acknowledging that his death was different and that was more than enough.
The church looked empty; barely a row was filled with all the people I recognized. Eric and his girlfriend Maddie, Kasey.
Severine
So, this was why she was in
“Where is his mom”, I whispered as the pastor began
“We don’t know”, she answered and turned he attention to the front. The casket really looked like a piece of art, I hadn’t expected the colors to be so bright. It stood out against the dark red, black and white colors of the church. I could make out a few images but it was too bright to cheerful.
After a few words the pastor invited people to give their eulogies, I was told I wasn’t supposed to say anything but Emma bravely stepped up.
“Hi, I’m Emma. I met Tomas 4 years ago in high school. In order to really know anything about him you had to get him to talk, he can be so passionate about things and people. I’ve had some things thrown at me in life but it was like everything no matter how hard. . . he could handle it he just needed a little help.”, she paused and took a deep breath,” Yeah, a disease may have claimed his life, his body anyways but his spirits is still alive. . . I can just feel it.”
It wasn’t poetic or long but it was how she felt and I appreciated it, no one else felt comfortable saying anything and there was a bit of an awkward lull. The pastor motioned for the pallbears to carry the coffin out, as they passed I ran a finger over the top, the paint wasn’t completely dry leaving the tip of my finger yellow.
It was over but in reality it was just beginning
I needed to get outside get some fresh air, I was suddenly riddled with anxiety, I stood up on shaky legs intent on getting outside. I tired to remind myself to breathe; I was so close to the door when everything went black.
+++
I moved to catch myself but I wasn’t falling.
I opened my eyes and saw I was in my bedroom. I was still wearing my dress and felt the sting of mascara in my eyes.
“Sofie”, I turned and saw Emma and Tomas behind me, they both breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m fine”, I said and I was, wasn’t I?
“You scared me”, he said, “They said you fainted outside the church”
It took me a while to register they as the group of people who attented.
“You said something”, I suddenly remembered looking at Emma.
“I suggested calling an ambul-“
“No, your eulogy you said ‘all he needed was a little help’. . .and you looked right at me. Help with what ?”
“It’s nothing”, Emma assured me, offering me a glass of water, but it wasn’t,either way I continued.
“You haven’t seen each other in over a year, that’s how long you’ve known me, Tomas. It was because of me you stopped being friends”, I looked at Tomas, “It is isn’t it”
“No, Sofia. . .not exactly, it’s nothing”
I looked to Emma for an explanation but she seemed more concerned for my well being.
“Just tell me”
“Sofie remember when I was in the hospital and I asked you to marry me”
“Yes”, I answered, seeing as I did marry him.
“Well, that was my second proposal of the day-“
“But I said no”, Emma interjected, “I mean I was barley 21 I had a son and a crazy Mom, I mean I knew it was a whole immigration deal but we were talking commitment, it’s stupid we had a fight I said I needed time or whatever and . . .”
“And you settled for the lonely rich girl? Anything else?” I wasn’t sure who I was talking to
“. . . I blew him a few times”
“Holy shit”
“That is not what she meant Emma”
Emma started to say something but instead excused her self. I think we both knew if we played the longest awkward silence game who would break first.
“This isn’t a thing, Sofia. This isn’t anything”
“That’s not true”, I grabbed a tissue to take the make up off my face, “If this whole thing was real, what does that mean for me. It’s not like I can move back into my parents house or something. You never let me go anywhere alone, everything is either mine or yours and I feel like I’ve put my life on hold for you so you can do everything you want before. . .”
“Where is this coming from ? most of that is Bull shit and you know it, you don’t want to go anywhere by yourself. Meaning you don’t want to go anywhere alone and what do you want to do with your life Sofie ? I haven’t stopped you, you just don’t know because you’ve never had a choice before. Now you do, you want to walk out that door, fine, you want to stay here and watch me die, better “
“All I know is that when you were supposed to be gone, lost to the world. She saw you.”
“Shut up Sofia, we are not having this fight neither of us are going anywhere”
“I thought I had a choice”
He starts holding his hand to the bridge of his nose like he does when he is upset or maybe he is just tired. I go to the closet and find a pair of flats and my coat. In my urge to leave I forget I have to go through Emma in the living room, she has no doubt heard our fight.
“Sofia”, she stops me before I step out the door, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, If I had to be you right now I don’t know if I’d still be here”
“Why did you really say no”
“Why did you say yes ?”
“I guess I was lonely or just stupid”
“Well I wasn’t, do I regret is sometimes? Of course, but I like you and I hope you do the right thing. Look, if you’re ever in Petal Brooke—“
“You’re leaving, because of me”
She hugs me, “I have my own family to get back to and so do you”
I hugged her back, she lets go to say good-bye to Tomas. I quickly dialed the new number on my phone.
“Hi, Severine can we talk”
+++
I’m sure Starbucks would have been acceptable but Severine wanted to met me at a Godiva Café downtown or was it uptown. I had managed to get there in one piece and just before dark. She was sitting at an outdoor table in black pants and white t-shirt that I know must have cost thousands of dollars.
“Hi”
“You made it”, she got up and gives me a hug.
“I just needed a break, I guess today was very emotional”
“Yeah, that Emma girl said she’d make sure you got home okay. . . I feel kind’ve bad about splitting”
“It’s okay”
We ordered over-priced chocolate infused drinks and by habit I was adding up prices in my head. We sipped and chatted about clothes, our drinks and even a little bit about Angeline who was dating royalty now.
Severine had decided to move to TriBeCa, paying almost 3 times the rent I was and had taken a job with Angeline’s East Coast operation.
“Sofia”,
she asked as she paid, “Are you going to be okay, I mean I’m only a phone call
or taxi ride away, now"
“I know that now, honestly, I feel better. Besides I’ll be starting at Hudson-River soon so that should keep me busy”
Severine calles her town car and asks to be driven around Times Square a bit before dropping me off. Once at home,I climbed the stairs two at a time and realized I had walked out without my key.
I awkwardly knocked and heard Charleston meowing. I knocked louder getting a “shut up” from the neighbor I was ready to run down to the landlord when the door clicked and opened.
“I was sleeping”, Tomas mumbled
He didn’t ask where I was so I let him go back to the sleep. I realize the kitchen is a mess and decide to clean the entire apartment. While scrubbing the bathroom floors I notice one of the tiles is loose. I open fearing cockroaches or mold but it’s just a few syringes. I realize he could be hiding his medication again but I also figured he would be done with needles.
I decide not to deal with this tonight, I only had to put up with this shit for a few more years.
Maybe like the coffee I had earlier, I was a little bitter.
+++
Tomas
It was 3 am when she finally decided to come to bed, I shouldn’t have known that but I had spent 3 hours trying to get to sleep. I knew it was probably the meth I was taking but energy drinks weren’t cutting it anymore.
She was bitter and if anything jealous of Emma. I hoped that knowing Emma was on a bus headed home things would go back to normal .
I look over and I can see the tattoo on her back has healed nicely. I know I’d said it but I didn’t really know what it meant. What was ‘there” heaven maybe? That was a nice idea; I’d have to ask her about surrounding the words in angel wings.
I move over and put my arms around her waist, she doesn’t shrug me off so I
move myself closer to her. Dragging my hand down the side of her body I raise
the hem of her nightgown. I could picture my self crossing the line even a
little bit and deal with her crying all night, but why should I let a few tears
stop me. She was my wife after all and it’d make up for all the shit I have to
put up with, hell she might even like it.
I pull the covers from her and turn her around meeting her with a hard kiss before she can protest, if she really is fighting she’s weak. I pin her arms down to her side not that she would even dare scratch me, I can’t even make out the words she’s saying.
Pretty girl
Nice legs
Damn, what was wrong with me.
I let her go and before she can get out a “fuck” or “bastard”, she starts crying. I notice a tiny spot of blood on the sheets, I turn the lights on; her hair is messed up, lips swollen her eyes are irritated from rubbing them.
“Sofie”
Once cold slap across the face.
I see there is a small cut on her hand
“Hit me again”, I tell her
“No, it’d just make you feel better”
“Sofia, I am so sorry. I wasn’t going to do anything, I swear.” I struggle to find more words but give up. I light a cigarette trying to calm my nerves down
+++
Messed up hair, swollen lips, eyes irrated from rubbing them; thast how I found my mother most mornings, usually upset that “Mr. Right” had snuck out earlier that morning and she’d have to settle for making me waffles and orange juice.
When my Mother was 16 she helped a lonely American grad student, Henry, find his way around Vilnius, he was a international affairs student studying abroad. He came from money and veryhandsome; one feverish and pleasurable night and I was born.
For the first few years he sent money and visited every
summer but she was his secret whore. I remember going to school feeling special
about my rich American father. For my 9th birthday my mom decided to
move to
Nonetheless he let us live in his big house with all the cars and money, but it all came with a price. He said he wanted me to be tough but beating the shit out of an 9 year old and his mother does very little good. My mom, however, was addicted to the money and the sex so she stayed.
I’d listen to labored breath, moaning and screams every
night not understanding but not liking it. After a year she decided to move out
on her own and rented the house on
I guess they had insatiable passion for each other that kept them going back. By the time I was fourteen I’d stopped seeing my father all together, he just stopped coming by, but he made a special appearance for my 16th birthday.
He introduced me to my dear friend Heroin, sure I’d tried other drugs but this was different it was a father son activity followed going to a topless bar. I went home and got sick, I figured it was from all the body glitter.
I get it though, my dad had screwed up in his life and he wanted to make sure mine wasn’t any better.
I was so fucking close, but he always gets his way.
+++
Feeling the empty space in the bed the next morning I literally feel my heart drop, but the smell of herbal tea and pancakes made me think otherwise. I take my time getting dressed before making an appearance in the kitchen, the cat seems to have taken its place in my chair.
“Good Morning, Sofie”, I decide to play it cool. She doesn’t say anything or lower her book.
I shoo Charleston away and sit across from her, I knew this was my fault. Lately I hadn’t been able to go one day without causing shit. She lowers he book and looks around taking one of my sketch pads and a permanent marker.
I don’t want to fall apart”, she starts, “I know things are going to get hard.
. . so we have to have rules.”
“Fuck, Sofie if this about last nigh-“
“It’s not just about that, it’s everything now, rule number one; no more tears. I know you don’t fear death so it’s a waste of emotion.”
She’s trying to control things again, give everything a label and make sure they fit neatly into them, I can play along but this is all going to fall apart.
“Okay”
She goes on like this for sometime and we’ve reached a consensus.
- No Tears
- No more secrets
- Accept what can’t be change
- No saying good-bye
- Love, unconditionally
When it was done she tacks it on the wall and grabbed a can of white paint from the pile on the floor and places it right in front in front of my plate
“What’s this”, I ask
“You messed up”
“I’m sorry ?”
“ The Last Peace, it’s all wrong
I looked at the white paint thinking about what she’s asking me to do, to paint over what had kept me up for long nights, my last big artistic endeavor. She looks at me impatiently, waiting for me to say something.
“You’re Right”