I
+1+
I tripped over myself throwing on a shirt and shoes. The sun was starting to come up but I was lost to all concentration. I search for my car keys while she manages to change clothes
“Where are you going ?”, she asks.
“We are going to the hospital”, I remind her.
“You can’t leave”, she says putting on a coat, “You’re leaving”
“I parked 20 blocks away. . . can you walk ?”, I ignore her rambling.
She shakes her head, holding on to me for support. I felt so fucking useless.
“Fuck”, she curses falling slowly to her knees, gripping my hand.
“Come on. . . We’ll take a cab”
I help her stand up and wrap my arms around her body. I hold the door open with my foot, not even bothering to lock it on the way ouy. She starts to struggle against me as we reach the elevator.
“Take the stairs.” she orders.
“Are you fucking serious?”
“What if it breaks down? Please.”
I give in to easily and right about now I’d do anything
Six flights of stairs never looked more intimidating. The stairwell is buzzing with dim lights on their way out. I’m careful to look over every corner before taking the next flight.
On the second floor I reach for the railing and hit the side
of the stairs. I trip over the step taking Sofia down with me. I hold on to her as we
slide down 4 steps.
“Shit.”
“I’m okay”, she says before I can ask
The stairwell has an unusual echo and I realize how alone we are.
“We’re almost there”, she says
“I can’t do this”, I confess pulling her back down to the steps, “I have to tell you something”
“Now ?”
Even though now isn’t a good time I do.
“I-I hate you for this”, I told her, “I’m trying to be understanding but I can’t be okay with this…”
“You can’t hate me for this”, she says failing at trying to stand up.
“Why not ?”
For the first time in what seems like months we catch each other’s eyes and have the exact same look.
You don’t want to know
Taking a deep breath we both stand up, taking the last steps a bit more cautiosly. There are a few people sleeping in the lobby but no one takes notice.
“Can you make it a few more blocks ?”
“I think so”
We walk slowly across the 3rd street towards Bruckner Ave. Closer to the rows of shopes are opening for the day. A yellow cab pulls up to one of the shops and an elderly couple gets out.
The driver is skeptical about taking an upset pregnant woman, at first but I convince him that everything is fine and we just need to go to the hospital.
“Almost there”, I whisper
“I want to go home”, she decides
“Why?”
“I changed my minds, please can we go home ?”, she sounds distressed
“No”, said more out of annoyance as she began to become hysterical
I try to block her out as the cab pulls up to the Bronx Lebanon Hospital. I don’t even look at the meter and just throw the driver a fifty.
“I can’t”, she starts crying ,I have to pull her to the entrance.
Her fingernails reaching for my face.
I try to calmy drag her to the front entrance I feel her arms give way, just before she collapses in my arms.
“Sofie ?”, I try not to shake her, but fail at finding her pulse. She’s still breathing
Suddenly, There is a blur of people in scrubs, asking questions I can’t answer and one woman has the nerve to shove a clipboard of forms in my face. As they are taking her away I stop one of the nurses or doctors.
“Please, my wife’s life comes first”, She looks at me half puzzled half disgusted and walks away
“Please”
+2+
Hey, God it’s me Tomas Alexander. I know it has been a while since I really got down on my knees and prayed, but there is this chapel in the hospital and since no one was using it I figured I might as well.
They said there is nothing I can do for her now, so here I am.
I guess you know about Sofia and while I know she isn’t religious you just have to give her time. She was raised differently. Anyway we both know she made a big mistake but she needs your help. The doctors say it is to early and Sophia isn’t doing well.
Mom took me to church almost every Sunday just so I would know that I had someone to go to, when she couldn’t be there, and here I am.
How do we do this, God ? Do I have to give something up ? Drugs ? Alcohol ? Ink? Whatever it is I’ll do it. I just don’t think you understand how scared I am.
What am I going to tell Severine ? Who I should probably call if something happens. I need a sign and not some shitty sign like with Travis. My personal feelings are mine not yours, okay?.
Don’t think I haven’t questioned it in the past.
Forget that this isnt’ about me or that.
I know I’ve always told Sofia that I had the worst childhood but that’s not true, God. I’ve always had a family no matter how small and Sofia? all she has is me. Her mother and innocence were all unfairly taken from her.
How many years do I have left God, 2 maybe 3
Listen, I’ll trade in one or all those years for her. I can drop dead right here right now if I have to.
….
Shit. . I’m still here. Fine God, I’ll quit all my vices. No smoking, No crack, No Alcohol. I’l tell Sofia about Gracelyn and about. . . . Terry or do I mean Travis ?
Fuck
I’ll go to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life. I’ll be a real husband and get a steady job and make love to my wife every night with my eyes open.
Come one God, look at
me I’m pathetic. I know I look like a mess right now. My shirts indside out I’m
wearing two different shoes, and my leg is killing me from falling down those
fucking steps. Things will never be okay if I lose her.
Is it the Ink and piercing ?
I’ve been hiding behind them, there I admitted it. I don’t have to be accountable if I look like a thug, I don’t have to try to be anyone when I let my ink speak for itself.
Let’s face it God, you’re punishing me for what I said at group. You’re punishing me because of what happened at the fucking bar.
You can’t punish her because I cared about Terry (but only a little). For a long time I thought AIDS was my punishment but you just aren’t done are you ?
Let me tell you something you don’t meet people like Terry in Petal Brooke. People who can sweep into your life for a few months and make all the pain go away. He was there for me when I went to get tested.
Remember.
He held my hand so I wouldn’t feel left out being the only straight guy there. I thought they were going to use a needle or something but they did some oral shit. I still have the positive test results somewhere; he drew a little heart on it.
Sometimes I don’t know if I would have gone back to Petal Brooke if he hadn’t died. I mean I would have eventually.
Right ?
So, I’ve been a shitty husband. Maybe I got married to get away from my mother, maybe I was overcompensating with Gracelyn.
Shit, her hair. That same color as Terry’s. Oh, fuck am I screwed.
I’m not helping my case am I ?
Fine God, I don’t need you
. . .
Okay, I’m back. I couldn’t even make it out the door. Let’s end things on a better note.
You know what God you made me like this.
You can’t punish me for something you did. This is all your fault, you know.
Maybe. . I don’t know. . Maybe I’m gay.
Are you happy God, I just fucking came out to you and I feel like shit.
No, wait. I want to take that back. Maybe I’m just bi-sexual or something because I love Sofia. She makes me happy and I can’t imagine my life without her. She is an my angel and I meant everything I told her at our wedding.
God ?
Are you still there ?
Have I disappointed you? If so I’m sorry that’s why I have to live a lie.
Remember Halle ? She was my first girlfriend. I was 16 she was like 14 or something and thought we would get married ?I think that’s when I had a feeling. I mean she was easy and beautiful yet somehow I remained a virgin till I was 22. Not a coincidence.
I’m afraid, God.
If I tell he the truthr I’ll lose her. At this point I am one hundred percent committed to her in your eyes and the law. No one can take that away.
It's weird, I want to own her God. That’s why she is “My Love” I want her to always be mine even when I’m gone.
See how much I love this girl ?
God, I feel sorry for you.
Really I do.
When it comes to loving everyone it must be painful, because love has been the most painful thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done a lot of painful shit.
Have we reached a decision God, because –
“Mr. Alexander ?”
A petite woman in pink scrubs is waiting by the door
“Yes”
Is she my sign ?
“I was told to find you”
Must not have been hard to find the guy with the tattoos, I pick myself up and follow her. The feeling of pins and needles going through my legs as blood rushed back to them.
I followed her to a private room that smelled like disenfictant and is filled with doctors and machines. Sofia is struggling to stay awake. I find myself quickly at her side.
“It’s okay”, I tell her
“Is she okay ?”, I ask someone who looked to be in charged.
“We had to sedate her earlier”, said a male doctor, who sounded like a pompous jack ass, as the nurses helped him into his scrubs.
“Why—“
Suddenly Sofia starts to scream sending the staff into a disarray. She starts struggling against the machines, ripping out IVs and monitors, tearing her skin.
“What’s wrong, my love?"
“I can’t”, she starts screaming again, “Get me out of here.”
“Ma’am ? What’s wrong “. asks the doctor, it sounds like he’s fucking interrogating her, “Is she on drugs ?” he looks to me.
She continues to scream, the nurses help me to hold her down
“No”, I said realizing why she was scared, “No. . . she doesn’t like hospitals.. . can you get a female doctor ? ”
Even though I knew Sofia had been very sick as a teenager I had never seen her admitted to a hospital not even once. How many times had she been there for me ?. I wish I knew how to stop all the terrible things she was remembering.
“Don’t have time”, the doctor said ordering the nurses to restrain her., “she has to push”
“Look at me, Sofie”, I coached her, “just look at me”
Her eyes waver and I’m sure the pain didn’t help. He skin was slick, her eyes were tired but she was still fighting.
Like she couldn’t before.
“I was praying for you”, I tell her
Her screams turned to tears as her hand tightend around mine. Her eyes open and close lazily, The machines started beeping slower. The doctor seemed to notice and called more people in. I swear I could smell blood/
“We’re losing her”, said the doctor
God, no
Take me first.
“No, sweetheart”, I beg,” Don’t do this to me”
Her hand slips from in mine, her lips move carefully.
“I. ..sorry”
I can’t cry anymore but I hold on for as long as I can.
I watched her carefully; she keeps her eyes open for maybe 8 seconds and lets out one last cry before she becomes unconscious. Suddenly it was quiet.
Too quiet
I feel someone pulling me away from her; I tried to fight them afraid of what I was missing, one of the nurses put a hand on my shoulder as I was locked out of the room.
I leaned against the door, pressing my ear close.
I could hear crying
+3+
God
I don’t understand
Making my way out of the chapel I followed the signs down the hospital halls. I got a few looks from people because my tattoos combined with tired eyes. I tried not to think about needing to be at work, getting a fix or anything else.
Pushing open the door to the little ICU, no one looks up as I enter. I felt unsure as I read the names, I started feeling weak and nauseous as I got closer.
With just a nurse sitting beside the bed, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say.
“Hi”, I managed.
The nurse looks upset but was still professional, she looks concerned.
“Do you want to hold him ?”, she asks setting down her clipboard.
“I—I’m not. . . can I ?”
“For a few seconds, incase--”
“Incase what ?”
“He was born 6 weeks early; we just have to monitor the situation.”
She carefully takes the top off the little incubator and removes all these little wires and IVs that should only ever be on adults. She looks at me somberly because she can’t take out the breathing tube. He’s tiny, looks to small and weak to be in the world alone.
His skin was clear and splotchy; the nurse explains the bruises on his arms are from the doctors poking him with a needle.
“He is very fragile”, she says, "He has a fragile heart"
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m shaking.”
She doesn’t listen and I swear to God (as I’d done a lot today) he feels like nothing. Too light and too young but it was okay.
The nurse takes him back too quickly and places him back in that God awful machine, along with a feeding tube.
“Hey, kid”, I say, “You have to be a fighter .I can’t tell you how many hospitals I’ve been in and out of. I don’t know what’s going to happen to you when you get out of here. . . but you want to find out don’t you ? I can’t tell you want kind of shi—bad stuff got you here. . . it’s mostly my fault. But not in the way you think”
His eyes were closed but he moves his constricted arms and hands, just to show he is listening.
So I talk a little more.
+4+
Her dark brown eyes are closed, her lids look pale but life like. Her hair has been beautifully arranged around her face, like an angel. I don’t dare touch her although it’s tempting. Quietly the doctors move away unnecessary equipment, and whisper to each other while ignoring the scene before them.
Pulling the blue plastic curtain over her bed we are, for
the most part, alone.
“Sofia, wake up ?”
I touch her arm and shake her a little
Moving her hair out of her face, Sofia blinks herself awake. Her words are slurred
“Sofia ?”
“Adam.. .”, her voice trails off.
The hell ?
She reaches for my hand; I carefully kiss the back of it and help her sit up. After a few minutes she seems more lucid.
“Did you see him?” she asks, though it’s barely a whisper
I nodded.
Maybe she was delirious.
“I’m sorry, Sofie”, I began.
“For what?”, begins to get upset, “What happened ? This is all my faul--”
“No, Elijah’s okay. I meant in the stairwell. I want to give you--”
She notices the little incubator next to her bed and my and my problems become invisible. A nurse seeing a patient in the bed next to her takes him out so she can hold him. It’s like she doesn’t even notice all the things portable monitors and machines he is hooked up to.
“Can you take these out?”, she asks the Nurse I recognized from the NICU
“For a few minutes”, the woman gives in.
I wait until the nurse walks away before speaking but Sofia beats me to it.
“I’m sorry I can’t keep you”, she tells him, “I love you, though”
She looks up suddenly remembering that I’m there. Although I feel like I’m intruding on a moment I don’t belong in.
“I’m sorry you were telling me something?”
Reaching behind my neck I unclasp the short chain I had been wearing letting the silver rings slip off it.
“I wanted to give this back to you I should have never taken it away.”
“It’s shiny”, she says, not to me, “He can see it.”
For the first time I see his unnerving pale green eyes, idly watching the rings in my hands. I let them slip over his hand.
“Someone will want him, right?”, she looks to me, I’d never seen her smile like that.
“Yes, you’ve been in foster care you kno--”
“I want him”, she finally confesses, “Even if he’s sick. There’s something wrong with everyone in this family.”
“Okay”, I said kissing her, “Okay”
I promised God I’d be a better man and I decided to start today.
