http://lindaleighblog.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-road.html
“Hold On”
Guys, this should have been the LAST chapter. I don’t know why I kept going but at this point I think I had this picture in my head but my consistency gets way off.
I doubt he can hear me, I run to keep up with the paramedics, who act like I’m not even there but they are just doing their job. I follow them through the hospital doors knocking down a woman trying not fall behind.
One step over a red line on the floor and a nurse blocks me from continuing, my body instantly puts up a fight, I can tell she’s used to it.
“I’m sorry, ma’am-“
“No,, you don’t understand”, I can’t believe the nurse is waving a clipboard at me, “Please, you don’t understand he has Pneumonia. . . I have to tell him. . .”
So at this point Sofia realizes that the only reason Tomas’ has been struggling and so sick is because he has pneumonia. He has been hiding it from her so that he can expedite his death. So in a way Tom is still trying to commit suicide.
The nurse continues to calm me down, assuring me that there is nothing I can do and the doctors are capable and other bullshit I don’t want to listen too. I attempt to go around her again when Dr. Lane calls me over.
REAL. . . I'll stop.
Dr. Lane doesn’t say anything and I can’t tell if I’m too late, if I’d done something wrong.
“Sofia.”
“Tell me, just tell me.” I just want answers.
She starts to speak but reconsiders
“Tell me, please”, I beg
“You may want to sit down”
+2+
Okay guys here it goes. I had this IDEA that I should give Tomfia a kid but I didn’t know how to do it. I just realized Sofia had no family in her life and no one to be a better person for. I had three ideas :
1. Sofia & Adam getting together. Which I eventually decided against.
2. Have Sofia inseminate herself (I know I know. So Soap-Opera-y)
3. Have Sofia get high and have a one night stand
3A – On Purpose
3B – On Accident
I sort of did a jumble of 2 thru 3B. If I had to choose one I would go with 3B
3 days later
I start to wipe my eyes surprised that there are no tears. I slid down the wall till I’m sitting on the bathroom floor trying to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing.
It’s odd being alone in the apartment again but at the same time it’s nice knowing I wouldn’t be bothered. I can’t help but to contemplate what comes next. If in the end I’ll be happy or scared
I guess only time will tell.
So see. This is indication of 2. I’ll probably delete this in the orginal.
+1+
“You knew, didn’t you?”, Dr. Lane sits across from me, she looks disappointed. Fuck her, she cans sit there all she wants but she has no idea how I feel or what I wanted.
Oh, now she is mentally cursing out doctor. Look at all those pieces I’ve official broken the cutie.
Wait, this is Tom’s POV. Nevermind
“Maybe”, is all I give her
“You know what always amazes me about partners of AIDS patients?” she brings her chair closer, “They always think they know more than doctors, and sometimes they do.”
“Is there a point?”
“I just want to know why?” she already knows the answer, “Tomas?”
“What?” I don’t mean to respond to my name.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone about the PCP?”
Okay, so I don’t know why I didn’t catch this but PCP is a
drug but the PCP here is referencing a type of Pnemonia HIV/AIDS patients susceptible
to.
“I’m not an idiot”, I tell her, and “It wasn’t supposed to be like this”
Just days after coming back from Lithuania I had seen those disgusting white spots in my mouth. The last place I wanted to be was in the hospital spending thousands of dollars on more medications I didn’t want.
I had a plan
Let the pneumonia (PCP or whatever the shit was called) go untreated and make people think I was wasting. It was, to me, a win win situation. Make it seem like the disease claimed me while orchestrating my own suicide on my terms.
For several minutes I thought I has succeeded , I could open my eyes a little and all I saw was white, I was suddenly scared shitless that this was my eternity, all the praying, Sunday school and confessing was for this.
Nothing
I don’t know how long it took me to realize I wasn’t dead, I felt the rush of fresh air as she pulled the sheet from me and the hesitation of her breath when she starting giving me CPR.
“Mr. Alexander, I don’t feel comfortable releasing you early if you’re going to harm yourself again”, She was using her serious voice
“I’m not. . . I promise”, I don’t know if that meant anything.
I had been admitted to the hospital for 30 days of observation and care, most of which would be spent being shuffled from bed to bed and placed on IVs and medicine’s I couldn’t pronounce. It was nearing 2 weeks and as I was starting to become more lucid I wanted out.
Sofia visited me everyday for as long as she could during the first week but a few days later detox started setting in and she couldn’t pretend like I hadn’t been using hard.
“I’m sorry Tomas”, I note the way Dr. Lane changes to my first name, and “You still have a long way to go”
She had no idea.
So because Tomas is stuck in the hospital he is being forced to finally go through withdrawl.
+2+
“You miss him don’t you ?”
I turn my attention away from Severine who was playing with Charleston and put a few more shirts in the bag I was packing. I look around the apartment again and start packing Tomas’ laptop.
“I’m going to see him right now”, I tell her.
“I meant Adam”, I knew that
Once again I ignore her and wonder what else Tomas would want me to bring him at the hospital. He didn’t have any pictures of his family or books to read. Now that he was awake more the doctor suggested bringing personal items from home.
I wanted to believe that Tomas hadn’t known about the PCP but Dr. Lane kept dropping hints about his mental health and there was no denying that he was depressed. He spoke very little when I came to visit if at all. I would sit by his bed and maybe hold his hand if he was having a particular bad day.
“Do you want to come to the hospital, Severine ?”, I adjust the duffel bag so it’s on wheels. I can still balance my purse and book bag.
Oh, Sofia is such a trooper. I mean she is still going to school.
“I can’t. . . “, she starts thinking of an excuse but I didn’t expect her to say yes.
“Hey, Severine. . . is that job you were talking about, in the cosmetic department, still open ?”
“Of course, there is always a job for you if you want it”
“I think I might need it”, I figure she might already know that.
“Sure, I’ll put in a very good word for you”, she seems happy that she could be helpful.
“Thanks”
Severine grabs one of the bags from me and we head downstairs, she offers to drop me off at the hospital and ten minutes later we are in front of St. Gabriels Medical.
Hmmm, is this a real hospital ?
“Call if you need anything, Sof”, Severine calls from the window.
“I will, thanks for the ride”
I hurry into the hospital trying o to re-balance myself. Even though I had spent the more time in the hospital than ever I still had the same anxieties. The smell and sights all bought it back to me.
Right, Sofia is afraid of hospitals because of what happened in Lost Angels. This comes up towards the end.
I take the elevator to the 5th floor and see Dr. Lane walking down the hallway
“Hello”, she looks up and smiles
“Good Afternoon, Sofia”,
She is courteous but doesn’t even stop walking but being a doctor I’m sure she is in a rush.
Tomas’ room is a shared room with 6 other patients; they mostly stay behind their blue curtains and are for the most part just voices.
One of the plastic chairs from the center of the room is pulled by his bed side, Dr. Lane had clearly been sitting with him for a long time but I didn’t think anything of it. I step a little closer trying not to look at all the IVs pumping in several medications , feeding tubes and other machines he was hooked up to, but I knew if was for his own good.
“I brought you some things from home”, I used the term “home” awkwardly.
Instead of waiting for him to respond I decide to show him. I start by laying out some of his shirts that were for the most part plain but being in a hospital I knew what it was like to want something of your own.
He doesn’t react until I lay a pencil and paper on the side of the dresser. He tries to sit up and reach for it, and with the feeding tube in it’s hard for him to speak. I can’t help but to like how helpless he is for once.
OMG TOMAS what did I do to you. I am torturing these poor characters.
“Mr. Alexander time fo-“, a smiling young nurse stops halfway in and frowns at me.
From what I could tell Tomas was the youngest person on the floor and the nurses absolutely loved his accent, I doubted any of the nurses knew he was married because I had taken off his wedding when I thought. . . .
He was dead.
“I have to take this out”, continued the nurse acknowledging my presence, I assume she was talking about the feeding tube, “Visiting hours haven’t started yet, you know.”
I looked at my cell phone
“I’m five minutes early”
She motions me to step out of the way so she can do her job, I know when I’m not wanted around so I make up some excuse about going to find a vending machine. I take my time getting a cereal bar from the vending machine when my cell phone rings. It’s a number I don’t recognize.
Is it odd that I’m scrutizing the use of the term “cereal bar” ? I hate that word but I still used it cause it seemed like something a writer would do.
“Hello ?”
“Hey, it’s me”
“Adam !”, the thought that this is a long distance call only briefly goes through my head.
“How are you ?”
I survey my surrounding in the hospital hallway.
“Great, how about you and your new job”
“It’s corporate but I love numbers and it’s great being home. . .I miss you”
“I miss you too”
“I know this is long distance so I’ll make this unbearably short”
“It’s okay”
“I’m going to send you some pictures I took”
“Okay”, I make a note to find an internet café
“I have to go, tell Charleston I said ‘Hi’”
“Aww, he’ll like that”
We say our quick good-byes and it is not until I turn back down the hall do I remember why I’m here. That had been the first time I talked to Adam since he moved, our tone had been friendly but it wasn’t the same.
The nurse is still in Tomas’s room, this time looking over his shoulder and making comments on whatever he was sketching. I take his wedding ring out of my purse and walk back over to him.
“I think this is yours”, I place it on the middle of the paper
“I don’t need it right now, it could get lost”
The nurse smiles like she has won something and walks out.
“How is it going?”
“I want to fucking get out of here”
“Are you feeling any better. . .”
He turns his attention back to the paper, I take it as an no.
“When can I get out of here ?”, he asks the same question
Wow, Tom does a lot of Jerk moves from this point on. A LOT pluse one terrible one. Guys I can’t even.
We had been over this countless times, Dr. Lane made it clear that she wouldn’t let him leave until he his CD4 count went up and he had gained 20 pounds.
“Do you want to go for a walk?”
“Do you have my cigarettes?”
I consider lying.
“Yes”
It doesn’t take him long to change into the sweatpants and t-shirt I had bought. He slips his feet into hospital shoes and reaches for my hand to help him stand. The way his fingers entwine with mine feels unusually intimate.
We walk in silence down the hallway towards the elevator and out towards the back Atrium of the hospital, one of the last things I expected in a city hospital. It wasn’t very fancy just a few metal benches and a stone basin fountain in the center.
Despite the nice spring weather we are the only ones outside and take our pick of one of the benches. He wastes no time lighting up a cigarette.
“Can I have one?”, I’d never tried smoking but I was getting bored, I can’t imagine one would hurt.
“You sure?”
“Why not”
My first lesson in smoking comes with trying to get it out of the carton.
“Here”, he takes the cigarette from his mouth and places it between my lips.
I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to inhale or exhale but I end up coughing up smoke, as expected. He actually starts to laugh.
“That’s terrible”, finally a drug I didn’t see the appeal of.
“You’ll be fine, that’s how my mother taught me”
“Your mother taught you to smoke?”
“I was 13 and curious”
Hmm, this was referenced earlier. Yay me for continuity
I try to find the humor in that but concentrate on getting the taste of tobacco out of my mouth. He must be thinking of his Mom know and considering the circumstance I was starting to wonder if she was even still alive
Oh yeah his mom is still missing
“I want to get out of here”, he lights another cigarette.
“I know”
“You don’t, I hate hospitals nothing good ever happens to me in them. I feel like I’m in jail. . . again”
Oh no Tom, You were in PRISON, not jail. Just sayin’
“I know what it’s like to be trapped in a hospital, too”
He was complaining about a few weeks I spend nearly a 2 years being taken care of in a hospital.
“I forgot who I was talking to”
“That nurse must be missing you”
An unexpected smile spreads across his face, I can’t explain how happy it makes me to see him smile.
Awwwww (:
“She’s not my type”
That makes me feel a little better.
“I don’t want to go back”, he says looking at the hospital
“Me neither”
+3+
It was nearly empty yet I felt somewhat self conscious about walking in, like everything that started here would be apparent to everyone enjoying their afternoon caffeine fix. I take a newspaper and head up to the barista.
“What kind of tea would you like today?” The barista asks me before I can order
“Excuse me?”
“You always get tea whenever you come in with your boyfriend”
I try to brush off her comment I had never thought of Adam as my boyfriend, we were just friends but the thought felt so juvenile now.
“I think I’ll have a green tea”
I had started my new old job selling cosmetic at Angeline’s in downtown New York. I was quickly finding New York shoppers were different from small town Petal Brooke. They ranged from women (and men) pouring out their credit cards, rich teenagers and tourist who forgot to pack lipstick.
I had only been working for 2 weeks but it didn’t take me long to remember everything, the other sales girls were also students, actors or housewives looking to make some extra money they were friendly enough.
Working meant I had to set up a whole new schedule but I spent lunches at the Met eating in the Cloister Garden catching up on homework.
As I sprinkled a little more sugar in my tea I couldn’t help but to look at the table Adam and I had sat at the last time we were here, it was like out little not-so secret secret.
He had come to visit me in between classes that day, it was very unexpectant.
We had been discussing something about Hudson River University politics but neither of us was really listening, he had been lightly touching my hair and I would let my hand graze across his occasionally.
I had been completely inappropriate, wrong and wonderful in every way but it was over now.
I was picking my husband up from the hospital today and we were going to try and give each other everything we had, no more holding back.
I sipped on my warm tea all the way to the hospital, I was a little early and I’m sure he would be grateful for that. I quickly finished the paperwork and realize how many doctors and nurses faces I know from visiting so much.
When I get to Tomas’ room he is sitting on the side of his bed fully dressed. A woman I’ve never seen is sitting in the chair they both look up as I’m walking in.
No. No NO. This is leading up to a good ending and then it gets ruined by need to go on. Sof is summing up her relationship with Adam while also looking forward to fixing things with Tom. This would be a great point for an ending. I can’t even with this.
The woman has a pleasant look on her face, she looks to be in her mid 30’s and is wearing a suit.
“Sofia. . .”, Tomas starts.
“What’s going on?” the woman looks at me and smiles. I notice she is wearing a white gold cross around her neck.
Kill me now guys. Someone just take my keyboard away
“Just come here”
I walk a little closer and he takes my hand into his as if he is about to tell me bad news.
“I’m a little scared”, I say honestly.
“Sofia, this is Eva Austin . . . she’s with the Catholic Law Service”
I hoped this wasn’t about his immigration status or maybe it was about his mother, who was also an illegal immigrant.
“I’m an attorney Sofia”, Mrs. Austin explains.
Tomas folds his fingers with mine and slowly slips his hand away slowly taking my wedding ring with it.
“What---No. . .”
“Sofi-“
“You can’t do this”
“I. . . want to get our marriage annulled. . .”
I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me beg for a second chance or a reason why, if he knew about Adam he could at least tell me to my face.
“Why”, I’m fighting to keep my emotions in check.
“Well”, starts Mrs. Austin, “As you know the church generally doesn’t grant divorce but with what Mr. Alexander tells me under North Carolina law you two may be eligible for an annulment. I’m just here to make it easier”
The wife really is the last to know.
“Sofia listen we are doing this together... you don’t need a lawyer or anything we’re just going to see a judge back home”
“I’ll be outside if you have anymore questions, Dear.” Mrs. Austin packs up her briefcase and waves to Tomas as if they are good friends.
“What’s going on”, I demand once she is gone
“Sofia, I care about you but loving you and being with you has been more like chore lately. I don’t think getting married was the best decision I--we ever made.”
Maybe he didn’t know about Adam, maybe this was a long time coming but I would not let this happen I wasn’t going to let what little family I had fall apart.
“We can get help”
“Help isn’t free. . . you know that I tried to kill myself and if God is so set on me living I can’t keep on doing things the way I have been”
“So what? You’re not happy ? You want to drink; do drugs have lots of random sex and no responsibility? That’s not you.”
Oh,
Funny you mention this Sof because this is exactly what he does in the next few
chapters that should have never been written. I wish I could say it was planned but it wasn't.
“Listen, I thought if I had you my life would be a little bit better but it’s stressing me out, shit, I’ve lost everything. You won’t have me holding you down anymore you can talk to Angeline and live like Severine and do whatever you want, it’ll be like our marriage never happened”
“It’s never going to be like that”
“You don’t know that, I’ll admit it if won’t. It was a bad choice. . . I didn’t realize what marriage meant. I can barley take care of myself or you”, I know he’s talking about what happened with Derek.
“I’ve already done what I want and I want. . .”
I let the sentence fade. What did I want?
Did I want him?
To be married?
For him to not be alone?
“Listen”, he continues, “I know you aren’t going to like this but considering your mother’s past. . . we are going to tell the judge that you weren’t mentally sound when we were married and that we were not able to consummate our marriage. Understand ?”
“You want me to lie ?”, of course he did, “because your stupid religion won’t let you get divorced”
“I don’t want to fucking get divorced this is the best and fastest option. For all you know being Bi-Polar is genetic and it’s not like you were really a virgin when we were married, not that it was your fault.”, he seems to have a hard time acknowledging my rape which shows he must know how this is hurting me.
“So”, I re-thought the entire 30 days he had been in the hospital when I could have been anywhere else, “When you told me you didn’t want to go back, you meant back to our life, together?”
He doesn’t speak but nods his head.
“We won’t have to keep trying to fix each other anymore”
I toss the flowers I had bought him into the garbage and get as far away from the hospital as possible.
+4+
He follows me down the block and I’m walking pretty fast in my work heels. I finally let myself cry wiping the tears before I realize Tomas is following me, he starts calling my name.
“Wait, Sofia”
I turn around, not wanting him to see how much I need him. He walks carefully up to were I’m standing. He is walking slow and it’s clear he isn’t used to being outside of the hospital.
“What?” I unclasp the silver cross form my neck and toss it at him, “There, I have nothing else that’s yours”
“Are you going to . . .?”
“Lie for you?” I wonder if I can rat him out for being a bad Catholic.
Cause lying is totally not a sin
“It’s not really a lie just techincially and this is for us, we can start over, don’t act like you don’t think about it”
There was no way in hell he would be able to pull this off.
“I want my keys back”, I just want to take something from him.
He hands me his keys to the apartment. Most of his clothes were at the hospital and most of the things in the apartment were mine, he had clearly moved out a long time ago.
I step a little close than planned to take the keys from him, I let my arms slip around his neck, and with my heels on I can stand on the tip of my toes and kiss him. He doesn’t respond, but doesn’t push me away. He feels sorry for me so I back away.
He holds both of our wedding bands in his hand and places them on the sidewalk in front of my feet. I can’t take my eyes off them as he walks back to the hospital. I quickly pick them up and head in the opposite direction.
Okay, so hm. I don’t know what brought the story here per say. I mean this should have been the end all be all but I couldn’t let go. This chapter has a few good moments, but I guess I was still obsessed with seeing Sof’s maternal side. I just . . .