http://lindaleighblog.blogspot.com/2009_10_01_archive.html
I keep going on and on about a special song, I had to look it up it was Human by Jon McLaughlin
+1+
So
as not to be outdone by Tomas’ unnecessary backstory in the earlier chapters
here is Sofia’s backstory. I just needed to fill in the space between last
chapter and what happens at the end of this chapter. My intention was to writer filler. KILL YOUR DARLINGS so . . .
When
I was 13 all the girls in my neighborhood were jealous of the relationship I
had with my mom. My mom had just turned 29 and we were more like roommates and
best friends that mother and daughter. While the other mothers were married and
homemakers my Mom would talk to us girls about dating and boys because she
considered herself young and single.
Anneleigh
was a heart breaker but she couldn’t help it. She was looking for love and
found it in all the wrong places. Whenever any of her new boyfriends would get
her in trouble and sent to jail then I would go into the system until she could
get me out that was how it worked.
Parker
Stevens was my mother’s first long term boyfriend. They dated for 2 years on
and off and as long as he was around. He put up with my mom’s spontaneous
attitude, bad
temper
and delusions and that was more than I could ask for. He only had one downside
He
was married.
It
tore my mother to pieces, so one day she dropped me off at a random shopping
center and told me she would be back later. She had decided that if Parker
wouldn’t love her then no one would so she ran her car into a
brick building and survived.
She
was sent to a state psych ward for a few months, while I was taken to a group
home. After a while a few months turned into a year, I thought I would be in
the system forever.
The
point is she must have thought I didn’t care about her when I stopped visiting
her the, but she didn’t have to kill herself. I was thirteen I still
needed my mother I still loved her.
I
lost my mother, best friend and faith in humanity on the same day.
I
haven’t been the same since
+2+
I’m
sorry Sofia, but Tomas has to once again out due you in backstory, He also one
ups you by telling your story from
his POV. It is more filler so . . .
I
never understood my parents, how they could be together one minute and apart
the next. Making love one day and beating the shit out of each other the next
all while I was in the middle. Maybe they felt the way I did when I first saw
her.
I
had been working at Cups and Saucers for 3 months washing dishes in the back,
when I heard her voice. It sounded so familiar yet I couldn’t place it. She
came back the next day and while pretending to clean tables I tried to catch a
glimpse of her she was her covered in make up and she was wearing shades
so she remained a mystery.
One
night I had been washing dishes, stressing out over medical bills (as I would
my entire life it seems) when I realized I had lost my grandfather’s cross
during my shift. I can’t believe I actually went through the trash looking for
it.
I
heard footsteps expecting some angry middle aged couple but a fragile looking
young woman opened the door and she was holding a knife. A pink knife that
matched the night gown she was wearing.
“Shit”,
she was that girl. The girl from the bus.
“What
are you doing?” she asked
I
indicated the trash bags realizing that she would get very little from that.
How many times had I heard that same small voice order a diet coke and salad.
“I
lost my cross. I wash dishes at Cups & Saucers…. You’re Cesar salad Diet Coke”
I
thought that would make me seem less like a stranger going through the trash,
now I realize it must have sounded stalkerish.
“It’s
3 am”, she said, “I though—“
Yeah,
she probably thought I was some poor kid looking for food, maybe she is
just a bitch.
“I
know what you thought”, I looked at her hand holding the knife, no ring. Living
in a nice place like this? I thought maybe her parents were out of town, “Well,
I have a bus to catch”
Meaning
I would spend 3 hours sleeping at the station till the buses started up again
“Did
you find it?” I assume she was talking about my cross.
“Uh,
no but it was just one of those things”, I didn’t want to look like a
Jesus-freak either.
“I
can call you a cab”, Why the hell was she being so nice?
Must
be lonely. I get that.
“I
don’t think a cab goes to my part of town”
Without
even noticing it I stepped a little more into the light, she really did look
fragile and a little terrified.
“You
live across the bridge?”
“You
live across the bridge”, I said with a laugh, “it’s a joke?”
“Wait
here”, she moved to go inside leaving the door open.
From
what I could see it was a nice place with plenty of expensive things. It
wouldn’t take much to over power her and rob her. I just needed to go inside.
“Wait,
Miss”, I followed her in, “I can’t really afford a cab”
“Don’t
worry I got it, I honestly just want to make sure you leave”
That
was the proof I needed that she was just another rich little bitch who couldn’t
stand anything not wearing a designer shirt and drenched in cologne.
I
did a little inventory not knowing exactly what I was looking for when I saw a
picture on her refrigerator of the girl with local millionaire and
philanthropist Angeline Duval
“You
must be loaded”, I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
I
heard her to tell the cabbie to hurry. I reached for my pocket knife, hopefully
he wouldn’t get here to soon.
“I
have a gun in here somewhere so don’t think about robbing me”
Holy
shit, now the bitch was in my head.
Fuck
it. I wasn’t going to steal anything from a girl with a gun. I knew better than
that. I decided to make myself comfortable. Her apartment was clean and
perfectly decorated I thought she was like a Barbie doll.
“You
have cancer?” she asked sitting next to me, it’s clichéd but she smelled like
roses.
“You
a doctor?” I assume she saw the radiation burns on my neck but part of me
wondered if she was a cancer survivor to . . . it would explain all the pink.
“I’ve
just spent a lot of time in hospitals”
“I
swear, it’s not contagious”
She
must have thought that was funny and smiled.
“Does
a dishwashers salary pay for all your treatment?”, she asked
To
her I was a dishwasher but I’m sure to thousands of other people I was an
assistant Janitor, gas station attendant and tattoo shop assistant.
“No,
I do other things to barley make ends meet”
Here
she was in a hundred thousand dollar apartment fully furnished apartment
siphoning money from the richest
woman
in the state. My thoughts drifted back to sending the cab away robbing and
forcing her on her back at knife point.
I
hated myself
“I
think your cabs here”, she broke me out of my destructive trance
“Thanks.
. .” Had she told me her name?
“Sofia”
“Tomas”
I returned
I
didn’t dare visit her again and she never came back to the coffee shop. Even
knowing that I could probably steal enough shit from her to cover the 4 chemo
sessions I had skipped.
I
appealed to my better nature instead. I quit just to keep myself away from
temptation and then temptation showed up at my other door.
I
saw her walk into the gas station I worked at and quickly made it over to the
cash register intending to short change her, but I didn’t.
To
this day I was so out of it that I couldn’t remember what she had said to me
when I started feeling ill but it must have stayed in my mind and when I was
rushed to the hospital, I knew I needed a transplant soon.
My
father was running for office in some city and still going through a
divorce at the time and wanted to send my mother and I away because the last
thing he needed was a mistress and illegitimate child.
In
his words; I give you my bone marrow you get the hell out of my country. I
called Emma first confessed my love for her told her I would be a father to her
son and asked her to marry me. It took her 30 minutes to say no.
Then
comes my favorite part of the story.
When
I had been admitted and drugged up I had asked for Sofia.
The
doctor working on staff knew her and tracked her down. That night I woke up to
her calling my name. I wasn’t sure if she was real but I motioned for her to
come closer.
I
noticed my mother had also arrived sometime that night and gotten herself drunk
on cold medicine samples.
“Tomas”,
I loved the way she said my name.
“It’s
okay Sofia she took a bottle of---well never mind”, she didn’t need to know
that.
“Why
did you call me ?”
I
started to tell her that I hadn’t and it had been a big misunderstanding but
then I noticed she was wearing my cross, I can take a sign.
“I
need you to do something for me. My father has offered to do the transplant but
afterwards that bastards going to call immigration on me”
“Immigration?”
“My
mother and I are from Lithuania. She was bought here years ago for. .
.service.”, that’s what I called how he treated us, “I don’t want to
leave”
“I
can’t pay off the legal system you know”
“I
know”, I reached over to take a cold medicine bottle from my sleeping mother,
“But if I have someone to support, I can stay. Hopefully we both can”
I
reached for the cross around her neck bringing her closer to me.
“Are
you asking me to marry you?”
I
didn’t actually ask her but nodded my head I didn’t expect her to agree.
+3+
Filling in the blanks. Ugh. This keeps going with flashbacks of Lost Angels from Tom’s POV.
I
quietly got out of the hospital bed and got dressed while Sofia waited outside.
I left a note for my mother and took her car keys. It took us a half hour to
find my mom’s car in the parking lot which gave both of us equal time to change
our minds.
“So,
I have to know things about you”, I told her turning the radio on, “Like where
you went to school”
“I
was home-schooled mostly”
“Religious
?”, I asked
“No,
my biological mother, Anneleigh, thought public schools were evil but we didn’t
talk about God or Jesus though”
“Are
you adopted ?”
“I
was a foster child”
Maybe
she was maladjusted Barbie.
“Thanks
for this”, I told her like she had given me a cigarette.
“If
someone could do something so I could stay with my mom, then I’d want them to
do it”
“How
old are you?”
“18”
“Holy
shit”, she was barley legal.
“You?”
I
considered lying.
“21”
“That’s
okay, I’ll be 19 in a few months”
We
traded a few more facts but were mostly silent all the way to the courthouse.
One of the court officials AKA my drug dealer agreed to marry us for 300
dollars. It was done in a matter of minutes and I offered to drop my new wife
off at her apartment before going back to the hospital.
“Here”,
I gave her a copy of the marriage license, “You keep this, just in case.”
“Thank
you”, I kissed the sides of her face which was more European than romantic but
she blushed.
The
funny thing is more people attended my fake funeral than our real wedding.
II
+1+
Okay enough of that now we are back to the current story. Let’s just pretend those couple thousand words didn’t happen. So the hardest two weeks of Sofia’s life GO . . .
“Tomas ? You have to wake up”, I start shaking him again but he just flicks me off., “I don’t know what to do with this shit”
I mean things are getting to REAL but Sof is fustrated
I step back and trip over one of the tattoo machines sitting in the living room. I turn back to Kasey who is standing at the door way looking terribly out of place.
“I think I can handle it from here”, I tell Kasey, “Thanks for helping me pack up”
“Can’t say I’m happy about it”, I notice he is still standing in the doorway.
I look around at all the stuff from the shop now crowding the small apartment, I’m not sure what all of it is or if it’s even legal to sell without permits. I guess I’ll have to figure it out.
“Do you want any of this ?”, I ask him
“No, you can probably sell it”
I took that as ‘you need the money more.’
“You know I might need some help figuring that out maybe you can help, right ?”
“Sure”
Even though Kasey had technically been an employee I think we were the first nice people he had met in the city, I just wanted to give him a way to let him know that he was still welcome even though this whole mess had cost him his job.
Adam had gone the entire weekend without calling me or trying to figure out why I ditched him at the play. I imagined Severine had told him that I was busy.
It was becoming clear the Tomas’ medications weren’t working anymore and after spending 48 straight hours in bed he told me to close up the studio that he wouldn’t be going back.
I walk Kasey back down to his car and offer him his last paycheck, he refuses at first but I know he wanted it.
Once back upstairs I try to make pathways with all the paperwork and equipment, leaving Charleston temporarily stuck in a corner.
No body puts Charleston in a corner #Wine
“Take it down”, I look over to find out what Toma’s is talking about.
“What?” I look around again realizing he is talking about my Monet print, “Why ?”
“It’s going to fall on me”
“No, it’s not”, I walked over to make sure it was secure in it’s place
Eh, Paranioa that’s a symptom of something . . .
“Then why won’t you sleep with me?”
“You toss and turn too much”, I said honestly.
I had taken to sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag which was actually more comfortable than the fold-out couch, although Charleston didn’t like me sleeping on his turf.
I take a seat infront of his laptop only to find it’s password protected.
“I need to see how much is in the checking account”, I tell him
“Go to the bank”
It’s almost 6 oclock
“It’s closed. What’s the password ?”
He doesn’t tell me so I try a variety of drugs, birthdates and crude terms and come up with nothing.
Lol, she tried drugs. How funny would it be Tom’s password was I love smack or something. Is that dark humor ?
“Now who’s hiding something”, I say checking to see how much cash I have in my purse. I pause for a moment as I come across the playbill from Spamalot. I flip through it and read a little bit about the act that I missed.
Remembering what I was looking for in the first place I put the Playbill back and find ten dollars.
“I guess I’ll just buy dinner with ten dollars”, I was still waiting for a job to come through
“I’m not eating anyway”
“Do I even have to ask?”
“Eating never ends well and you’re going to try to feed me again”
“Fine”, I look at the joint in his fingers, “You’ll change your mind later”
You know. . . cause of the munchies. Yes, Tom is doing weed to help with his symptoms.
I put on a little extra concealor and navigate my way through all the junk and towards the door.
“Stay Safe, Ms. Sofia”, says the doorman on my way out.
“I will”
I walk two blocks before I realize I have no idea where I am going. I could go to Severine’s I hadn’t seen her in a while, of course then she would want to talk. I consider checking on Kasey, when I get the feeling that I’m being followed.
My doorman was psychic.
I pretend like I can’t find something in my purse and turn around, coming face to face with Adam.
“Holy shit”, I hold my hand to my heart.
REAL . . . okay not really
“Sorry, I was waiting for you to come out”
“You were stalking my building?”, so he wasn’t psychic.
No that’s another character in that other other other other thing , more on that later.
“You started the stalking process”, he recalls my night at the club.
I have no idea what this is referring to. Oh wait I do, Sofia waits outside for him after she flees from Atlantic City.
“I can’t do this right now, Adam. Tomas is really sick.”
“I know you have to take care of him, but I told you I’m selfish”
We continue walking down the block, I start wondering who is following who.
“What do you want?”
“I want you to spend the night with me. . . just be there.”
“Is something wrong ?”, I notice he doesn’t have his guitar, but it is his day off.
“No, does something have to be wrong for me to want you around.”
Oh, great question
I take that as a rhetorical question.
I know all of Tomas’s medications are close by and labeled. There is soup if he actually does feel like eating. I doubt he will need me for the rest of the night unless he wants someone to, as he so lovingly put it, bitch to.
“I could use a break”
Right ? I mean she has a lot to put up with. This is totally justified. Right ? Right?
We turn back around and he takes me to a restaurant that serves only breakfast 24 hours. After ordering a four cheese omelet I let him carry most of the conversation trying not to be too distant. I understood how hard that could be.
Still
a Vegetarian. Not sure why I’m pointing this out. Consistent character
development ?
He pays for the bill and I’m not ready to be combative so I let him. Instead of ending the night I follow him back to his apartment. The two bedroom is cleaner than it was the last time I was there, I assume he was hoping I was coming.
“I love what you’ve done with the place”
“Thank You”
While he is putting his coat away I take a seat at his piano, touching a key every now and then.
“I should learn to play an instrument” I tell him, placing my phone on top of the piano.
Muse : Hmmm, pianos. . . hmm . . .. hmmm . . .
“Do you want to learn?”
“I’m on spring break; I’m done with learning, for now. I want to go to a beach get drunk and scream at cameras”, I can’t help but to laugh at the thought.
“Another American custom I don’t understand”
“You’re not the only one”
I stand up to face him, running my hands through his hair. I decide to take a step closer and kiss his lips quickly. I start to wonder why he really invited me here and if it was the same reason why I came.
“Do you just want to stare into my eyes all night ?”, he ask.
“Why not ?”
“Well, I rented some Monty Python and maybe this time you won’t leave in the middle”
I notice the DVDs sitting on the coffee table next to clarinet reeds and guitar strings.
“I’m starting to realize that I don’t get British humor”
“Give it a chance”
He leads me over to the couch, I notice he has a blanket similar to my Starry Night one but I decide it must be a coincidence.
Come
on when a guy has the same throw as you that means you are totally meant to be. Actually if you can find a straight guy who knows what a throw is marry him.
I admit to finding the Holy Grail a little bit humorists but somehow end up comparing it to Absurdist art and the Duchamp exhibit at the Met. It’s not long before I realizing I’m rambling to myself and he’s fallen asleep on me
That’s the HRU education talking. Sofia is out of character pretentious a bit.
+2+
The next morning I forget where I am but a quick survey of the apartment and I calm down.
A little
My phone has no messages on it and it’s comforting but at the same time it’s not.
“Ready to go ?”, Adam is in the kitchen making coffee
“Go where ?”
I look at the clock it’s almost noon.
“I just want to show you something and I’ll let you go”
I wash my face letting all the make-up from last night run into the sink. Adam lets me borrow on of his HRU shirts and I follow him down stairs.
We walk about 10 blocks before he stops in front of a shiny blue car, as I walk back it the car starts to beep and Adam opens the door.
“You have a car?” that would explain nothing
“Yep.”
I’m not impressed until he starts the car and the hood folds it self down.
He reaches over to open the passenger door and I get in. It certainly had that new car smell.
“This is nice”
He pulls out of the space with relative ease and drives around the neighborhood. He drives a little longer and I’m to busy looking at all the screens and gadgets on the dashboard too notice we are heading for the Holland tunnel and into New Jersey.
“You can’t kidnap me”, I tell him
“I won’t, I promise”
I almost want him to break his promise.
“Where are we going?”
“Look, is he going to die right now, today?”
“No”
You don’t know that
“I just want to take you somewhere”
We drive on the turnpike for a while when he finally pulls into a church parking lot.
“It’s Wednesday”, I remind him
“I know”
He gets out of the car and opens my door. When I get out he takes my seat.
“What are you doing ?”
“Come on”, he closes the passenger side door locking himself in.
“I can’t drive”
“No better time than the present”, he yells through the window
“Oh, please we just left a city full of people who can’t drive. I should get home”
“Take yourself”, he challenges me
It was his new car, I just hope had car insurance.
I take a seat behind the wheel something I had done when Angeline bought me a car when she forgot I didn’t drive. I adjusted the seats and mirrors and that was the extent of my driving ability.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Am I your friend?”
“Yes”, I should have though about it more.
“Okay then trust me”
He put my hands on the wheel and quickly goes over the breaks and the gas then instructed me to back up. I look out for poles and put the car in reverse, closing my eyes at the car glided back and quickly hitting the breaks.
“Okay now put it in drive and I beg you, don’t close your eyes”, he continues to instruct me.
I do close my eyes for a second and try not to think about my mother or her car accident.
I put the car in drive and a little bit at a time go around the empty parking lot, hoping this would satisfy him.
“There, Happy?”
“See, all you need is a little more practice and soon you can go wherever you want”
Is that what this is about?
“I can’t drive to Paris or the Musée du Louvre ”, I butcher French perfectly.
“Are you still on that ?”
“Always, did you know HRU has a campus there?”
Cause that totally makes sense.
“Yeah, let’s try getting on the road”
He let’s the hood down again and we head towards the open road, which is really a dirt path leading away and towards the church, but it’s enough for me.
+3+
So, this is IT. This is where Sofia
and Adam decide to end their friendship so they can move on before something
bad happens. To bad Adam just doesn't stay down. He doesn't stay down not once but twice. He's like the Cortland of this series.
Taking a lot of back roads and near misses I actually drive myself to Jersey City. I counted at least 4 near misses, but I was apparently a natural. Adam finally lets me out of the driver’s seat and expertly parallel parks by the docks. I follow him towards the dock realizing that maybe New Jersey isn’t so bad.
“You have to come all the way to Jersey just to get a proper view of the New York skyline”
I nod my head in agreement; Manhattan looks like it’s only a stone’s throw away.
“Like the car?” he asks tossing a pebble into the river.
“Yeah, you’ve been holding out”
“Not really I just got it. An advance from the job I took a with AEG”
I thought about the money conversation he had been having at the club that day.
“AEG?”
“It’s an entertainment group, It’s corporate but I figure it will get my foot in the door. Meet the right people in the industry. . . see what comes of it.”
“Congratulations. . . I think.”
“Thanks”
“I really need to get back. . . but it’s so depressing sometimes”, I couldn’t be positive for 5 minutes.
“Sofia. . .”
“Yes ?”
“So this AEG job, it’s in London”
I let my hands grip the railing, I’m not sure if I’m angry of if I expected it.
“You’re leaving”
“I don’t want to but . . .look. . .I want you to come with me”
Last time I left on a whim it didn’t exactly go my way, but it lead me here didn’t it.
“I can’t”. That meant so many things
“Sofia, I lo-“
“Don’t, don’t say it. You don’t really know me”, no one did.
“Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way or even close. . .”
“I feel like I need to stop letting people think they need to take care of me.”, it felt like a confession
“I don’t think that, but I doubt I’m ever going to meet someone like you and if you honestly don’t feel the same way then tell me.”
“I. . . I. . .”
I knew I couldn’t just run away because things were hard, I was making something of myself. I couldn’t do this now, not again
He takes me into his arms; I don’t cry I’ve had enough of that. I wanted someone to stay with me, I wanted him to stay but I couldn’t tell him. He let’s go and starts to kiss me, something I’ve always wanted to do not behind closed doors or in the disguise of night.
So all of fucking New York could see.
REAL
“Thanks for the lesson”, I tell him
“Lesson in what”
“Release”
A few more tears never hurt anyone.
I Haz
mixed feelings about this section. I don’t completely regret writing Adam but
his story line just isn’t 100% my favorite. Also title drop. . . I think. Release right ?
+4+
Goodbyes are always bitter, I hate them
I take the train back, back to Brooklyn. I found that old church I had walked by countless times and walked in. I could hear my conscious pounding hard and I didn’t know the protocol so I told the truth.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”
Forgive me father there are NINE MORE CHAPTERS. At this point after this chapter I had NO idea what to do next. But I was still enamored by this idea of writing a family who could put the fun in dysfunctional.
III
+1+
I wiped my red eye and continued studying the paperwork by candle light imagining that this was probably how Laura Ingles Wilder once did it.
Weird Reference.
“I don’t understand any of this”
I doubt Tomas can hear me, he has headphones in and is smoking a joint. He has already burnt the sides of his mouth with his shaky hand.
):
I looked back over the lease for the shop trying to figure out the best way to sublet it until I could find a new tenant.
Kasey had helped me sell two of the machines 5 days ago, we were so close to breaking even.
“Honey?” I take out the head phones but he still ignores me, but blows smoke in my face, “talk to me”
“It’s. . .dark”, he finally notices
“I forgot to pay the light bill”
I light another candle and set in on the table to get a little more light.
“Sofia. . . My skin”
I carry the candle back over to him and see that his leg has a fresh burn mark on it. I realize it must be the electric blanket and turn it off.
“I’m sorry. . . I didn’t know”
“It’s okay . . . you didn’t do anything wrong”
The hell I did.
“I should have known”, I try to comfort him with a kiss but he pulls away.
I return to the table that is cluttered with bills, statements and court phone numbers. I had been trying to find Tomas’ mother just incase.
Mom is still missing
Emma had gladly decided to help but I hadn’t told her about Toma’s health, it didn’t feel like it was my place.
“Read to me. . . Love”
“I’m really tired.”
I’m tired of being trapped here.
I couldn’t convince Tomas to go to the hospital or take his medicine. I spent every waking minute trying to make him more comfortable when I wasn’t frantically searching for his mother.
I had tried to call Adam the day after he told me he was leaving but couldn’t quite form the words to say anything meaningful.
“Read to me, Sof, he probably forgot he asked me the first time.
I don’t really have a choice or anything better to do with the lights out so I grab the flashlight and a random book from my book shelf. I just open to the first page, but based on the feel of the spine I know exaclty what it was.
It’s Pride and Prejudice how original LiLe
“Ready”, he doesn’t move but I open the front page and start to read “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
I look to see if he finds any humor in that but emotions are wasted now. I flip ahead to some lines I had highlighted
“Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least.”
“It’s dark”
I flip some more and continue reading.
“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it”
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be”, even though I don’t know what he is apologizing for.
“What page is that on ?”
I actually pick up a light tone in his voice.
“I knew you were still here”
“Not for long”
):
IV
Okay, so I’m like super shifty. So I was trying to get people to think Tomas had died. Now, he lives and this story should have died around chapter 11 but NO. It just kept going.
Okay, Cue the Death Cab for A Cutie.
March 20th 2008
When it comes to the end there is no God.
I wake up in the middle of the night to the familiar sounds of him trying to catch is breath. I don’t think much of it until the coughing starts. I reach for his wrist to feel his pulse.
It’s still there
Barely.
I climb into bed next to him, letting his head rest on my chest. Breathing should never be this hard. Nothing should be this hard
+++
Dear God, Make death as hard as you can on me, but please make it easier on her. I can see it now, playing out just the way I wanted.
+++
“Sleep”, when you wake up it will all be over.
I don’t know what I meant by that either this bad spell will pass or it really will be over. Fuck me for thinking of catching a plane to London.
REAL . . . okay I'll stop
+++
One minute I’m there the next I’m not. I can feel her arms around my neck. She
wants to feel my pulse as it gets weaker and God is it getting weaker. Death is
heavy it takes a strong man to fight it. I’m not that strong, My Love
+++
“I’m right here, just like I promised. No doctors no hospitals just you and me”
+++
“You lied”, I had to let her know.
“I never lied to you. . .”
“Your list”
+++
I reached into the dresser drawer till I found the crumbled sheet of paper that used to be stapled to the wall. I had broken all my own rules and that’s why we were falling apart but I couldn’t let him know that, let him know that I had said good-bye to him a long time ago.
+++
“Tell me you love me, Sofia”
+++
“Not like this”
I feel his body slip from mine but I hold him up I’m afraid that I might leave brusises, each beat of his pulse seems to give me a little strength to hold it together. He reaches for my hand and I place it in his.
“Fuck”, he’s in pain and there is nothing I can do but let go.
“It’s okay”, it's not ever going to be okay.
I fight the urge to fall asleep to afraid of what I’m going to find when I wake up. I wish he would hold on just a little longer.
+++
Words don’t work anymore, my body is not my own. I let go of her hand, not wanting her to hold me down anymore. I let my head fall against her chest wishing I could do more, say more.
I say a silent pray for myself and wait for the light.
+++
My eyes can’t fight anymore and I let myself fall asleep
+++
1 am
2am
3am
4am
6:41am
V
I walk over to the kitchen on unsteady legs, the morning sun seems to be mocking me. I don’t know what to do. I can suddenly feel every wrong and sick emotion there is. I feel as if I’ve done something wrong, Like I let this happen. I stood by and . . .
That's the chapter
title drop.
Once I reach the kitchen I fall against the counter but my hands skid across it and I fall to the floor.
Everything feels wrong just touching anything and I know I can’t look at his face or whatever it is now.
I have to crawl over to the bedside just to stop from falling again. With my eyes closed I place the sheet over his body. It takes all my strength not to cry not to mourn.
It looks like he’s sleeping, at peace
Finally
“Good Night”
I press my lips to his over the sheet.
I don’t know any prayers or right of passage but never before had I felt that life had just screwed me over in the cruelest of ways.
I’m able to walk back to the kitchen and call for an ambulance. I wait for it to ring when I see Charleston near him.
This is particularly eerie because at this point she thinks he is dead. Why she didn’t notice he was breathing when she kissed him over the sheet is beyond me. Well actually it’s not but you know what I mean . . .
“No !”, I run to push Charleston away.
I straighten out the sheet trying not to scream at what I was doing, that I’d have to live with this moment for the rest of my life.
The moments of being in a tiny apartment with a dead body.
Waiting for them to take him away
Again.
Death really is cold.
I dial 911 and wit for the ring.
I let out a breath I wasn’t holding.
Oh God
I rip away at the sheet pressing my ear near his mouth.
“Holy shit”
“911 can I help you”, the operator picks up
“I need an ambulance”
I throw the phone away and start giving him CPR.
“Hold on”
Wait this is the title drop
I hear the ambulance in the distant
“Just a little longer, I’ll breathe for you”
So what’s happening here is that earlier on in like chapter 2 or 3 Tomas told Sofia to NOT call an ambulance if he was close to death and even knowing the happiness his death can bring her she still calls them. This is when Sofia knows for sure that she is never going to leave Tom.
Yes, the story should have wrapped up here. I mean if I would have just cut it off just think of all the ambiguity ! Oh well . . .