Muse : Okay so we have a lot to work with. We can build so many plots off of emotions from last chapter. First thing first : we need more depth-
LiLe : Yeah, this is the last chapter
Muse : What ? We didn’t even get to explore writing about a family
LiLe : I know
Muse : Oh, come on think about all the dysfunction
LiLe : I’ll leave dysfunctional families to network tv
Muse : I ‘m not letting this go. . .
I waited
I've always waited
It had been 2 hours and 12 minutes since Nurse Annie had dutifully wheeled me outside the hospital to wait for someone to pick me up. After a week in the hospital I was looking forward to leaving.
Annie had waited with me for the first 30 minutes, but I didn’t want to keep her from work.
I was upset as it was having to leave the hospital alone and that, even though he was only a few feet away from me, visiting hours were over and I had to leave my son in the care of strangers. Of course as this rate he probably knew them better than me.
I had waited patiently last week as my doctor, Dr. Craig, finally made an appearance. He looked to be in his early 50’s his hair was speckled with gray and black that he pulled off quite well.
“Hi”, I’d said. My anxiety meds were back to working their wonders but apparently that was the problem.
“Mrs. Alexander”, he got straight to business, “It looks like Elijah’s heart complications were caused by you using. . . Lithium.”, he double checks the chart.
“I have a prescription”, I showed him the bottle with Dr. Olsten’s name.
“Did he talk with your OBGYN, first ?”
“I was busy. . . I didn’t have time have . . .I didn’t know. Is it serious?”
It had barley been 24 hours and I was already making mistakes. It made me upset but I didn’t want to cry in front of the doctor.
“He has a heart condition that could have prevented.” he said shaking his heard, “he won’t be able to participate in sports and will probably have to have a few surgeries.”
I have no idea when I realized that the lithium Sofia would be taking would affect her baby. I think it was just a dramatic coincdendce.
Dr. Craig just continued to look disappointed. Once he had finished his obligations, Nurse Annie showed me to the NICU
Annie didn’t do anything special even though she wasn’t much older than me. Sometimes I’d just like to sit in the NICU and watch her work, she was trying to gain control of uncontrollable conditions.
This is when Sofia decides to go back to school to become a nurse
“Annie”, I’d said as I was packing to leave this morning.
“Don’t worry Eli will be released in a few weeks”, she attempted to read my mind.
“I know, I just want to thank you, I don’t know how many people thank you”
I also wanted to thank her for being the one of the few women who didn’t attempt to hit on my husband whom spent most of the past week behind a legal pad.
I smiled thinking about my last conversation with Annie and looked at my watch again. I attempted to call his cell phone but he probably forgot it, forgot about me.
Severine had visited me once in the hospital, she seemed uncomfortable as always and I knew it was hard to have a secret from Angeline, so I gave her permission to tell her. The odd part was I hadn’t heard from Severine since. She did send a nice care package.
Sev, will totally get redeemed in ABWG
I kept to myself and walked as quickly as I could to the apartment. I slid my key into the door and pushed at the door. I froze as I heard two people laughing from inside. One was obviously Tomas’s the other sounded throaty and rough possibly female. I was sure I’d heard it somewhere before.
The door opened quietly and I saw a pile of shirts and two large canvases on the floor and a white crib with chipped paint and faded hearts on it. Paint buckets were everywhere and the laughing continued from the kitchen.
I prepared myself as I turned into the kitchen. Tomas was leaning against the counter with his shirt open. Standing across from him was an older woman with bleach blonde hair and a short gray skirt and cheap purple
She looked like the hookers I’d seen loitering the building from my window, and now she was in my so-called-home.
“Shit”, was the first thing he said looking at the clock, “I can explain—“
“What the hell?”, I yelled, “It’s the goddamn middle of the day”
“Sofia”, he warned
“Don’t start--“
“Sofia. . . you remember my Mom, Rose”
That akward moment where you mistaken your Mother In Law for a hooker. Been on both sides of that.
Yeah, Tom’s mom is alive. She was in prison. End of story.
+++
Rose Alexander’s 40 years weighd heavily on her, she had attempted to cover it with make up and charm.
As I maneuvered around the kitchen looking for teacups I watched how Rose sat across from her son, she seemed to have a strange admiration for him. Even though I couldn’t understand what they were saying, I knew he was happy to see her. There was a special bond with single parents and their children.
Muse : Well, I guess we won’t get to
explore what it’s like to be a single mom , how judgmental people are--
LiLe : Really ?
Muse : I'm not letting this go
There is a green duffle bag with the words ‘NORTH PIEDMONT’ printed on it, she was carelessly kicking it under the table.
The last time I had seen Rose she was yelling at her son and kicked him out for getting married. He hair had been its natural black color then and she has lost a lot of weight in prison.
Tomas quietly excuses himself from the table
and I quickly follow.
“What’s going on ? Why is she here ?”
“Come on, Sofie. She just got out and needs a
place to stay.”
I watch as he starts to expertly disable a
razor.
“Don’t you want to know how the baby is”, I ask
hopefully.
“I’m sure he is fine”, he sounds a little
unsure.
“Did you tell your Mom ?”
“I told my mother that you had a baby, okay”
I knew he like everyone else was disappointed
in me, but for someone reason I didn’t like his answer, but was helpless to do
anything about it.
“Wait”, I stopped him, “Thank you for the crib”
He manuvered around me and ignored my thank
you.
Back in the kitchen he sits across from Rose, a
thin line of uncut coke is spread in front of her. The edge of Rose's fingers
are swollen and slightly burnt from cigarettes. They continued to talk casually
as he cuts it for her.
It seemed the source of all Tomas’s problems
was sitting right across from him.
+++
The vanilla colored marble counters were cold
underneath my hands as I surveyed how much larger the TriBeCa apartment looked
now that there was a lot more space.
Severine looked up at me from her spot on the
floor, she was dressed in a bright yellow jogging suit and matching flip-flops,
contrasting the dark December evening. Charleston, who was still mad at me for
leaving, was snuggled in her lap.
“Is it because of me?”, I asked for the second
time since I’d arrive, 10 minutes ago.
“No, you know I hate cold weather.”, she said
“Is Angeline afraid I’ll be a bad influence on
you ?”, I asked, “Is that why you’re moving ?”
Severine had left a rambling message on my
voicemail that hadn’t meant much to me until she said she was moving. I had
already been out (against doctor’s orders) avoiding spending the day with Rose.
“No. . .I don’t know. Sof, I love my mom and I
want to spend more time with her. . .”
“All the way to China though ?”, I wanted to
make her feel guilty.
“Hey, Sofie not everyone wants to be estranged
from their family. I’m sure you and Elijah can come, when he gets better”, she
said knowing I wouldn’t agree.
“I can’t Severine. I’m still figuring my life
out here. Don’t you want to do that? find something you want to do ?”
She looks down at her fingernails, it was
obvious how different we were. Even in the 4 years we had lived together
Severine has always been somewhat timid in her choices.
“Sof”, she took a deep breath, “Honestly, I
wish you would just go back to Adam I wish you weren’t so independent. I wish
you stop trying to do the right thing . You know he is in town working.”
I didn’t know that.
I didn’t want to hear it, and yet couldn’t
bring myself to be upset with Severine.
“Maybe…”
“You’ll change your mind ?”
“Severine, I just don’t want to lose my
best friend.”
Severine elegantly got off the floor and
wrapped her arms around me.
“I’m not like you, Sof”
“Severine, do you ever feel like
something is missing in your life ?”
She looked around the furniture less living
room.
“No, why ?”
“It’s just when I was back at North Carolina I
couldn’t help but feel that way, I usually never feel that way.”
Severine’s eyes wandered a little and I know
she was thinking about her next question.
“Did you feel that way with Adam ?“
"Severine.", she shrugged, "Just
Promise me you won't leave too soon."
"Why ?"
"Because I think Elijah should spend more
time with his future godmother."
"Sof", she gave me another hug.
"I hate it when you call me that."
"Shut up, you know you love it"
We broke into a fit of laughter.
LiLe : I can
see it. . . the end is in the horizon. Sofia and Rose interatction was so that Rose seemed like more than a red herring. Which is all she is.
+1+
Tomas
I moved quietly around the apartment, Rose was
sleeping on the couch. I took a blanket from the couch and draped it over her,
she shivered but I knew it wasn’t the lack of heat.
“Shit”, I whispered
I’d left my pager in the bedroom, taking off my
shoes I snuck quietly back in. Sofia had her head against the headboard. Her
eyes were stained with tears but I attributed it to hormones.
“Where are you going ?”, she asks
“Work”, I say honestly. It’s the beauty of
working in a 24 hour shop.
“Don’t you want to bring Elijah home with me
?”, her voice is small.
“I have to work-“
“But you can sign the birth certificate and—“
“No.”, I lowered my voice, “I'm not doing that”
I found my pager and shut the bedroom door
behind me
“Why can’t we talk about this ?”, she follows
me
“There is nothing to talk about.”
I pull at the laces of my shoes a few times, my
mother is clearly feigning sleep. Sofia comes closer still.
“Don’t you love him ?”, she asks way to
innocently.
She was just scared, I knew this. My mother had
always had her moments when I was coming home from chemo, she felt like she
needed someone else to take care of a sick child.
I tuck the laces into my shoes and toss the car
keys on the table.
“My mom can drive you to the hospital”, is all
I can offer for right now.
“I can drive myself.”
I wanna ask her ‘since when ?’ but it’s to
early or to late.
“Go back to bed”
I lead her by the shoulders back into the room.
“Why won’t you stay”, her fingernails dig into
my arm, not enough to draw blood but enough to keep me close. She pries
her hands from my arm and ties my shoes.
I stay until she falls back asleep, my mother
mumbles something on the way out.
like I needed another fucking person to
take care of.
+++
I rounded the corners of the hospital with my
eyes closed, a white bag stuffed with meds under my arm. I knew this place to
well. . Turning on my heels I take a short cut through a different ward.
A black and white sign with the words
“Oncology” welcomed visitors, the double doors swung open. There was maybe one
or two people in the hallway. With a heavy heart I passed the chemotherapy
room. The door was cracked and they had the same standard issue green chairs as
in Petal Brooke.
IV’s hung close to everyone, some read, slept,
a few people chatting with their supporters. Me ? I probably would have been in
the corner drawing,
“Lost ?”, I turned to see Dr. Lane behind me.
“No. . . just thinking this used to be me.”
“Do you have everything”, she led me to the
stairs I wanted to tell her about my Shitty morning.
“Yeah”, I pushed open the stairwell door, “Dr.
Lane ?”
“Yes?”
“. ..nothing”
I offered her a wave and took the steps a
little more careful.
+++
I took another drag from the joint and thought
about those damn green chairs and needles. It wasn’t different from my job now.
Maybe that was why I was attracted to tattoo parlors
in the first place, it was good pain, good medicine..
People lying in chairs with needles going in
and out of them, all there for their own reasons, some alone most not. I sat at
the front desk, each time the bell rang I expected to see Travis, but it never
was.
I studied the picture of little Elijah I had
taken off the mirror that morning. He was three weeks old but looked younger.
He, like me, was a product of his mother’s bad judgment. I put the picture back
in my wallet and closed my eyes.
Getting a few minutes of sleep while I still
could.
I wondered how much longer I could keep my
promise to God.
+2+
What is with all these pointless little moments. KILL THEM
Something about her breakfast seemed to amuse her, I didn’t know what caused the quick smile across Rose’s face while she stirred her coffee. I didn’t know if she had heard her son and I fighting but she hadn’t said anything
“You’re cute”, she said, “Matching plates and cups . .. it’s cute.”
“Thank You.”
“Are you Catholic ?”, Rose asked non-chalantly, “There is this cathedral in Belarus called St. Sophia. . “
“No”, she frowned into her coffee then smiled back at me.
I usually never notice Tomas’s late hours and I started to wonder if he was avoiding me or his mother, who at the moment was curiously high.
“I’m sorry I married your son”, I told her, “I know it made you angry”
“Did it?”, her accent wavered as she spoke, “I barely remember… I didn’t think my son was the marrying type.
Oh, He’s not
I had taken to taking apart the tea flower in my cup with a spoon.
“What does that mean”, I asked
She shrugged off my question, then answered it.
“I’m not an expert on marriage but I am an expert on my own son,”
“You haven’t seen your son in almost two years”
“Still, and I’m sure your going to learn this soon. When you’re all your child has you just know what your child wants. Tomas has been with me through so many failed relationships and boyfriends. He doesn’t want to be like me, he doesn’t want to be like them. The way he looks at you. . . maybe I shouldn’t have taken him to church so much”
A little smile runs over her face and she grabs her wallet from the floor and pushes back her chair.
“Think I’m gonna get some cigarettes”, she said, “drop me off ?”
“Don’t you want to go to the hospital with me”, I offered
“Guess you weren’t really listening”
In other words she doesn’t think Sofia is going to be sticking around that long
I was starting to feel upset again and Rose sensing this goes my coat, instead she pulls a small stack of pictures and paper from the top shelf and lets them fall on the floor. The same face drawn over and over again countless times.I didn’t pick the pictures up but looked down at the secrets I couldn’t hide from anymore.
LiLe :Why is this bitch still showing up ?
Muse : Karma
LiLe : What
Muse : Not every idea I give you is a good one. This is what you get for not going for 456 chapters.
+3+
I took the clipboard from the woman at the nurse’s station and quickly jotted down my shaky signature. She was on the phone and just nodded to me with a wave. Much like the same gesture I had received when dropping Rose off downtown.
“Um, are you sure, that’s it ?”, I asked tightening my grip on the car seat. The nurse didn’t hear me, but repeated her nod and wave.
“Here we go”, I said placing the car seat on the counter, I felt guilty because it was brown and pink, but that was all I could find at the thrift store
I was oddly jealous of Elijah, how he could sleep through this big moment in his life, while I was all nerves. He was bundled up in some high-tech blanket from Severine, all ready for the cold December morning.
Now it’s officially been 1 years since the start of the story
He was still curled up and tired out from crying when the doctor took him off all those machines. He was finally free.
I drove carefully, consciously looking in the backseat. Every time I passed a hospital I imagined myself leaving him at the front steps, letting him have the family he deserves.
Oh, hey Sofia is driving !
I had tired everything not to turn into my mother and somehow I had and would. I took a few Tylenol 3s and pulled into a Manhattan parking garage.
I soon found myself in front of the museums that had been my home when I first came to New York while Elijah was contently asleep in his stroller
Okay, Sof. You live in Public housing and you just spent 30 dollars on parking.
I decided not to even go into the museums and just walked down 5th ave. pass DeBeers, Bloomingdale’s and Trump Towers, pretending to belong.
The Christmas tree at Rockfeller center lights twinkled lightly in the coming dusk, just a few feet infront of us. Tourists were crowding around it with cameras everyone seemed excited even though it was barely December.
“Do you see the tree, my love”, I picked up Elijah so he could see, “We should get a big tree like that, and you’ll have a real first Christmas.”
He didn’t seem interested and I realize he might have been frightened by the new environment
“It’s getting cold”, I heard someone say in passing, “Don’t you think, Sofia”, the voice said again, this time more familiar.
“No”, I didn’t even bother turning around, “How did you know I was here?”
“Severine.”
“Severine,” I had come to the same conclusion
“You could have told me.”
“There’s nothing to tell, Adam.”
What ? What the hell are you doing back here. Okay I guess it is holiday time and I guess he is visiting his brother.
“Are you serious ?'
“What are you doing here ?”, I started looking for a warm place to hide.
“Dashboard Confessional”, is all he says, I wait for an explanation, “An account I’m working at the Nokia Theatre.”
. . . or something
He appeared timeless, like his new job hadn’t worn on him. He still had the Rolex an infectious smile across his face.
“What else did Severine tell you?”
“I just wish you would have told me you were pregnant” He said, “I would have help—“
“Why does everyone think I need help ?”,
“Do you?”
I didn’t answer, everyone looked like they needed help compared to him in a tailored coat, expensive shoes and Armani scarf
“Did you even miss me ?”, he asked and followed me into an empty smoothie shop.
I thought about it, “Yes, of course I mean we were. . . you know”
“Do you even still have that TravelCard ?”
“Yeah”, I thought about that little space in my wallet.
“I want you to know I’m willing to start over. ... with the both of you. ”
I sighed at his absurdity and looked out window.
“I’m serious”, he continues, "I’m almost 26 years old, I can afford to share my life. Imagine a big house, big yard just minutes away from Paris.”
I closed my eyes and thought about my dreams, about the girl I wanted to be, I could be.
“That’s not fair”, I said trying not to smile, “You come here with you charming accents, money and. . .”
So yeah, that Taylor Swift song White Horse totally wrote this chapter.
“And what? I can’t tell you how many times I thought I caught a glimpse of you at National Gallery or Trafalgar square,”
I couldn’t answer, even if I knew the answer I don’t know if I could have put it into words. The truth was I was developing new priorities in my life.
“Listen, I’m only here for 2 days, I have two tickets reserved for Heathrow. If going to North Carolina didn’t make you happy. . . well, at least let me try.”
He slipped on his gloves
“You’re leaving”, I finally found my voice.
“Right now, that is completely up to you.”
I reached up to stop when he kissed me, once again I found myself melting underneath him and all to quickly it was over.
+4+
Evening was beginning to fall sooner; I considered this as I carefully lowered the stroller from the bus and onto Mercer St. I had only been to the East village a few times and usually had a destination in mind. I stayed on 4th street passing the apartment building with a red door, I always assumed it used to be a fire station.
I wiped a way a few rogue tears and walked faster down the street. The red and white sneakers I had thrown on were wearing at the soles, I didn’t even know if they were mine or not.
Ten minutes later a little bell went off as I attempted to fit a stroller through the tiny door at the Tattoo shop. There was an overly made blonde girl at the desk talking to an older woman.
Both of them ignored me.
“Um, could you please—“
“Sofie ?”, I heard Tomas walk in from the back, Rose was behind him she gave me a look I couldn’t quite read,
“What are you doing here ?”
He seemed a little frantic and lead me back outside.
“I need to talk to you. . . please.”, I said.
I started to go back inside but he stopped me.
“Not here, give me a minute”
The bar across the street was friendlier and better lit than any other city bar
I’d been to, there were some interesting paintings on the wall that I couldn’t
quite place.
“What can I get you”, asked the heavily tattooed waiter
“seltzer water”, I said, “And some maraschino cherries, please ?”
He nodded and said something to Tomas about the usual but I wasn’t really listening. I admired the paintings until the waiter bought over my water and a shot glass with cherries in it.
One of the painting was of a woman, she had sad eyes and everything about her was painted in different shades of crimson and red. Only the top of her shoulders were visible but they were bound by white slashes.
“You painted that ?”, I said taking Elijah out of the stroller, he was still asleep.
“Yeah”, he said looking at his watch, “What do you want ?”
I kept my eyes on the watermark on the table, I felt nervous and scared at the same time.
“I—we”, I looked at the baby, “Need to go away for a while.”
*sigh* guys I was trying to be
misleading again. I totally woobled on my end execution here. I wanted people to think Sofia left Tom for Adam.
“Why”, he said counting out a few bills.
“I don’t want to say. . .”
“Sofie, no”
“Look we don’t tell each other everything . . . so,I don’t know when I’ll be back”
I absently pulled the stems off the cherries, tips of my finger covered in red dye.
“Jesus fucking Christ”
“I’m sorry. . . this year has been hard for me. I just don’t think you would understand. I feel like there has been a huge hole in my life and I thought when the baby was born it would get smaller. . . but it’s like it got bigger.”
He seemed to be listening, then threw a curveball at me.
“What’s his name ?”, he looked up at me
I felt paralyzed, my mind was racing with what to say next. I watched as he took the baby from me.
“You’re not even listening.”, I stammered.
“Tell me his name”, he lights a cigarette and I’m afraid to stop him.
“Fucking, Severine”, I said without thinking.
REAL
He blows out the smoke slowly, taking in the last thing I said.
Severine hadn’t told him anything, I did.
“Does he have green eyes ?”, he asks, “Is he the reason for you bastard son”
I didn’t even realize I had hit him till I saw the burn mark from the cigarette on his mouth. I’d cut my hand a little on is piercing
“Take that back.”
“Fuck” he says spitting out the cigarette, “Sorry. Listen, Sofie The difference between you and I is that I would never tell you something I know would hurt you.”
“I don’t know, it’s just sometimes when I’m with you things are different, good different, Happy different”
“Why do you stay if you’re not happy ?”
“I can’t just abandon him because we don’t get along, I’m the only family he has here…”
I notice Rose walk in and saunter up to the bar, It was like having an audience to the end of my good graces. Did he even need me now that his mother was back in his life ?
“You told me”, he puts Elijah safely back in his stroller, “When I came back from Lithuania. I said ‘you must have been lonely’ and you said—“
“I wasn’t”, I remembered. “It’s not what you think”
“Shut up.”
“Like I’m the only one”, I tried to speak, “what happen to swallow your shame, at least I’m honest. . . tell me. Tell me about Terry”
His gray eyes were calm
“There’s nothing to tell”, he spoke carefully, “fuck you for bringing him up.”
Took the words right out of my mouth, Tom
“You don’t wear your cross anymore”, I fought to keep my composure.” I’m not going to make you stay married if it’s not what you really want.. . if you really loved him”
"Sofie stop it."
Please.
I buried my face in my hands, I could hear him walk to my side of the table and kiss the side of my face.
“My angel I have truly clipped your wings”
No matter how this played out I was always the bad person. I’d let him pay for my school, rent, medical bills I’d hurt the only man who had ever been there for me.
“Listen, Severine is moving”, I said, “And I could stay with her for a few days—“
Before I could finish he was already walking out
“Wait”, I hated how quickly I followed.
“Stop following me”
I followed him for two blocks when he made it obvious didn’t want anything to do with either of us.
+++
“Next !”
I quickly moved to the front of the ticketing line, and advertisement hang below the window to offer people a chance to “fly the friendly skies”
“Can I help you ?”, asked the ticketing agent.
“I need a ticket.”
“Taking a family trip?”
“Something like that.”
+++
I didn’t have any picture of her to burn, I wasn’t that dramatic.
Instead I lit a candle and passed the picture of Graceyln over it, it caught on quickly before I let it fall into the sink, next I looked at the picture of Terry. This picture wasn’t going to bring him back.
Somewhere between getting AIDS and living with AIDS I’d attempted to crush my latent Catholic ways, I needed to go to confession but not tonight. That woman was poison but like everything that was bad for me I wanted more.
I blew out the candle, slipped my AZT and grabbed my jacket.
“Mom, I’m going out”
She toasted to that and took another mouthful of Svedka
Somehow I had opened the door to my past.
+5+
I turned up the stero as loud as it would go in the empty downtown apartment, Severine was out for the night and I’d deal with the consequences later.
+++
Fucking strobe lights burned and satisfied my eyes at the same time. A beautiful blonde had her body flushed against me. I didn’t want anything to do with her, still I pulled her closer as she danced next to me.
+++
The wood floor was cold underneath my stocking feet, I could feel the base through the floor No wonder this apartment was 5000 a month. The music still hadn’t woken up the baby.
+++
My black and white sneakers squeaked on the floor, I was in kind of a drunken stupor as I swayed on the dance floor. I think I laughed when someone handed me another drink
+++
I was alone but pretended people were watching me, it was just past midnight. I wondered when Severine would come home.
+++
It was Peach Schnapps. I tried not to spit it out.
“Fucking American liqueur.”
Hey you haven’’t had Vodka till
you’ve had Clear Mountain Colorado Vodka. It’s made local. I'm joking. Americans should barley be allowed to make beer. see what I did there ? Also I'm trying to move time but. . . you know . . . faster.
+++
I could hear crying but wanted to wait till the song finished. The taste of the bottled white Russian still on my lips
+++
Sweat covered me from the heat of the small room, one of my UV light tattoos glowed underneath the light. The girls liked that. . . and some of the guys
+++
I took in the breathtaking view of the city, for right not it was all to myself. I still kept on dancing.
+++
There was a silent beat in the music and I thought about--
+++
Him, but when the music started again I hummed the lyrics.
+++
I could still live with myself, I tripped but caught myself. There was no doubt in my mind I was going home alone tonight.
+++
The door opens, I can hear Severine’s stilettos. I don’t know where she’s been but I can’t stop now. Can’t stop now.
+++
When I get home there is an invitation at the door
III
+6+
Eh, guys I was trying to be misleading again. Making you think Sofia married Adam. I can’t even cross stuff out to make sense of this section so I’m going all in. If I could rewrite this I don’t know how I would do it. I honestly don’t.
The weather was different here, and even on the flight I had anticipated it. It was like a different season from the cold dreary city I’d left hours ago.
“Today, we bless this family. This small but loving family, in the newness of life.”
Severine was restlessly standing next to me at the Reverend’s words. She looked elegant dressed in a pale blue summer dress and matching shoes. She held Elijah protectively; we both hoped he would fall asleep.
My tears had dried long ago and I concentrated on the most important thing in my life.
Rev. Glass closed her bible and turned from the small congregation of Carolina Baptist, gathered at the edge of Pullen Park Lake, not far from the hustle of Raleigh, and to Severine. Rev. Glass whispered to her loud enough that I could still hear.
“Ms. Severine”, she said, “Mothers bless children with enduring love, but because an extra bit of love is always needed, God creates Godmothers.”
Rev. Glass kissed both sides of her cheeks and moved on to me.
“Thank you”, I whispered
“I haven’t done anything”
“You’re filling the hole in my heart”, I told her.
One of the associate pastors takes her bible and helps me off with my shoes.
“Ready to start your new life ?”, she asks holding my hand
All I could do was nod, in the corner of my eye I caught Paige and her parents standing in the front. Behind them was. . . No, I was seeing things.
“Who wants to go first?”, Rev.Glass asks taking the baby, “You want Mommy to go first, Elijah?”
Two men follow Rev. Glass as she holds my hand and we walk further into the lake, the water is cool as it wraps around my red dress just up to my waist.
“We’ve got you”, she says crossing my arms over my chest, “May you live as long as you want, and may you never want as long as you live and walk along with Christ.”
I inhaled as I felt the warm cold water surround and engulfed me completely.
I couldn’t hold on to being that 14 year old girl who clung to the idea of a family for so long.. .
The thrill of it alone caused an unexpected high . . . . . this is good. . .this makes. . .made. . .is making me feel good. . . .
How did I not notice how sickly he looked, he was still beautiful. . . I could learn to love him—
“I have AIDS. . . I’m going to die. . .I’m sorry . . . “
. . .my mother killed herself
Sofia, If I had to be you right now I don’t know if I’d still be here
“You’re going to regret saying that one day. . .“I don’t ever want to regret anything, Sofia”
For right now it was one of those unique perfect moments in my life and I wasn’t looking beyond it.
I closed my eyes tighter and fought the urge to inhale
The end. I hated the end.
“One day without you, Love, and I break”
“I don’t think getting married was the best decision I--we ever made.”
I want you to know that I believe you’ll make a wonderful mother. You’ve always taken good care of me.”
I inhaled a little
Unconditional and forgiving. You’re not going to find that in any man.
“You’re still here?”
“Always and forever”
^ Oh, flashbacks
The water cleared around me, without even thinking I took what felt like my first real breath.
Rev. Glass was kneeling in the edge with Elijah’s feet covered with water, she sprinkled a little water on him, which made him cry.
“It’s okay, baby”, I said drying him off and kissing him, “It’s okay, it’s over”
Severine joined our little group hug not even caring that she was getting her dress wet, Paige came over and it was like it was the first day of high school again and I felt safe.
+7+
From the side of the lake I watched the small picnic that had preceded the baptism. Mrs. Harlow was serving her potato salad, Severine and Paige were chatting linked arm and arm.
Of course I hadn’t imagined the woman, who for the most part had been uninvited. She seemed to be waiting for me in the abandoned white chairs.
“Why are you here ?”, I asked
Rose laughed at my tone and crossed her legs.
“The truth”, she said,” I don’t like you. You’re to good for my son. He’s not that smart and let’s face it is a fucking idiot. But he didn’t drag me 9 hours to hide in the car.”
I shook off the little bit of tension I had and saw the old black hatchback in the parking lot, the hood was down, From the hill there was a perfect view of the lake. Elijah starts to fuss and I decide it's not worth it.
“Wait”, he gets out of the car, “. . .If something happens to me are you going back to this guy ? It’s just if I knew you were taken care of and happy. . .”
“Right now I’m right where I want to be.”
“You thought I wouldn’t understand because I’m Catholic ?”
“Strictly so”, I remembered the last time we were had been in the state.
“You think all you needed was God ?”
“Maybe, it feels that way”, it was the first honest thing I told him in a long time.
He picked up the emerald cross pendant from my neck.
“You told me we had to make rules or we’d fall apart."
“No tears, no secrets, accept what can’t be change, no saying good-bye, love unconditionally”, I rambled them off probably in the order we’d broken them.
“I don’t want to spend the next few years I have left following rules. When I painted that picture in the bar all I saw was you constricted by all theses rules. I may have had some past feelings for . . . but I never stopped loving you. “
“You know what I figure, if you put all your love into one person and that one person is gone one day . . . is that really worth it? My mother was all I had and it wasn’t enough, it's not enough for him either.”
I watched Elijah sleeping, what would happen to him if I was gone?
“Sofia, If you can blindly forgive me for the things I’ve done and I can try to do the same for you. I need you to blindly be mine and I'll try.”
“I—“
“Please”
I was suddenly scared; he wasn’t swaying me with promise or even love. He was so detached from the man who had climbed into my bedroom a year ago, who used actions instead of words, who had taken AIDS as a death sentence.
Maybe I was different too, maybe I wouldn’t let the city or labels get the best of me. I wasn’t hiding behind prescription pills or an affair, that had maybe like my baby had been to early.
We were different
I liked art and tea; he liked ink and vodka
Okay, so if I were to rewrite the ending this line would totally be in there
“I love you too", I let it slip, "I mean I forgive you, too."
“Thank, God”, I struggled under his tight comfortable embrace.
We reach for each other’s hands, going down the hill slowly as not to wake Elijah.
I missed the 2:30 to Heathrow; the family I had always wanted was finding it way to me. looking back I would have never believed a year later one of us would die.
LiLe : ALMOST THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
So once again I was trying to be misleading. Okay let me really think. If I could change the ending how would I do it. Well I know I’d get rid of the religious undertones. I really went in that direction because I had been listening to Christian Rock on Pandora. The music was so hopeful.
Let me think
I think Sofia would have left the hospital and ran into Adam. Then she and Tomas would meet up and sort of but not really reveal that they have both stepped out. Um, I would dabble in the idea of Eli dying but that seems to sad.
Um. ..
So I guess maybe this is the best ending I could come up with.
This is 1 year later
“Careful”, I semi-scolded
Elijah was so close to walking I had to keep a better eye on him, he had currently preoccupied himself with grabbing at the grass.
I think maybe he was too young to understand and I was a thankful for that. The grave maker was from impressive but it said everything that it needed too. I didn’t bring flowers; the grave was still too fresh for flowers.
OMG, Tomas died. LiLe you BITCH
…
No one thought this ?
I took a handful of soft earth and tossed it over the hardened earth. Elijah crawls over and I help him take a little bit of dirt and sprinkle it on top of mine.
“Say good-bye”, I coached him, wiping away my own silent tears
He laughs not understanding. Once I felt prepared we left the cemetery.
We took the train back into the city. He was unusually quiet as I stopped by school to fill out graduation forms.
Tom is getting a HS diploma
I opted to take the more accessible bus to Central Park, Elijah liked to look out the window and it was a pretty nice day. After finding a good spot on the in the park, I held his hands and helped him walk the best I could.
Looking up I could see someone approaching us.
“Mom?” I called. Elijah looked up slightly disappointed.
She smiled her usual smile. She takes Elijah’s hands as I resituate myself in the wheel chair I had been confined to since the degeneration of the nerves in my legs.
Fucking AIDS
“Ready to get your GED”, she asks
“I think so”, I say tugging on her pink scrubs, “Nurse Sofia, I think I could use a sponge bath later”
LiLe : Hey remember when Sofia was in nursing school
Muse : how come she didn’t realize that taking Lithtium for her anxiety would harm the baby
LiLe : Hey, why are you even talking
Logic : Sorry that should have been me
“Stop it”, she starts pushing my wheel chair, there is a solemn silence.
“I buried Rose today . . . her grave is beautiful. I wish I could afford to send her home.”
“I’m sorry, Tomas”, she reaches over and gives me a one armed hug, I slowly trace the visible ink covering her forearm. I’m permanently apart of her.
Guys, seriously. How awesome would it be if you saw that your nurse had a cool arm tattoo.
“I’m okay”, I say pushing myself out of the wheel chair and into the grass. Although I’m sure she wonders if it has scared me from getting high again.
It has.
for now.
She pulls Elijah into her lap and settles next to me resting her head on my shoulder, tired from a 12 hour shift at the hospital.
I can see the rest of my night playing out for me; taking the 32 train to Astoria, listening to the radio and watching the baby while painting till I lose track of time, then dragging myself into bed with my wife, maybe whispering a silent prayer and hoping I see tomorrow.
): ?
+++
I can see the rest of my night playing out for me; taking a short nap on the 32 train, paying bills feeding Charleston, making dinner talking to Severine till I fall asleep with my Eiffel tower necklace close to my heart.
Yay ! Charelston
+++
“Thank you, for choosing me”
She doesn’t acknowledge my words but lets out a sigh.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I saw this girl on a bus?” I ask kissing her.
“Tell me”
“You have to help me”
“Okay”
We decide to start from the beginning.
I hate to sound like the drunk girl at the bar but seriously you guys. I can’t believe you hung in there. Doing this feels like giving birth I mean it was NOT FUN. At the end of the day I told the best story I could for the characters. Sure you have to chip away a LOT of stuff but overall I’m happy-ish.
Retrospect gives everything a complete 360.
Comments answered
http://lindaleighblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/oh-when-saint-go-marching-in.html