I
+++
Muse : This is getting. . . um . . . long
LiLe : I had to create depth. . . so much depth *exhausted*
Muse : Hey isn’t this the chapter where Tomas--
LiLe : I NEEDED DEPTH
Okay, yeah. So in this chapter Tomas
starts hanging out with a sixteen year old red head. I have NO idea NO idea why
I did this. I don’t remember writing this. I literlly think I wrote this once for
DEPTH and didn’t even edit it. I just remember looking up cities near New Jersey then blacking out till the next chapter.
I just . . .
North Arlington, New Jersey is 20 minutes away from The Village by car but on most mornings I manage to wake myself up and make the 90 minute commute by train and bus.
I usually sit in the back away from all the suits, with their cell phones, laptops and newspapers. It’s not that they are annoying it’s just from the back I can observe and draw.
I had decidedly picked up a second job days after Sofia had left. Maybe it was because Severine didn’t know but Sofia looked different, of course maybe I was looking for it. If there really is such a thing as love at first sight, then I had decided that it was blind.
I figured getting out of the city for a few hours was healthy for me, even if it meant working as a high school janitor. I was getting paid enough to help with my debt and medications but I still put a little away for a rainy day.
I transferred from the train to the bus for the final leg of my commute, trading my notebook and pencil for a pair headphones.
Twenty minutes and 5 suburban blocks later I jog across the parking lot and into North Arlington High School.
The fall/spring janitor used his closet as an “office” space. It’s dark with a single lamp in the corner a crooked mirror, sink with only cold water and a wall of cleaning supplies. As long as I wore a name tag and covered most of my tattoos I could get away with wearing anything.
Holding the mirror up I move my hair to cover my ears, effectively hiding the earphones. Sometimes I wonder if people can tell I have AIDS, or if I just look defeated. I decide I look more like a junkie.
Summer school is rather low-key so I don’t have to worry about being bothered; Just the occasional kid in the hallway or teacher offering me a sympathetic wave. Other than that I keep to myself.
My job was simple and a job I hadn’t had yet. I was supposed to clean all the lockers empty classrooms and whatever else they ask, if I do a good job they’ll see if they can find a place for me come fall term, I don’t bother mentioning my ticking clock.
Honestly I’ve had worse jobs and I like this one because there are very few people involved and once or twice I’ve gotten a little fix while working. A little one.
After work I spend about 3 hours at the apartment now that we had 2 more male tenants to make up for increasing rent. I paid the least rent and got the couch and nightstand. I’d eat if I felt up to it or go to the hospital if I had an appointment and paid my insurance that month.
From 7pm till whenever I worked at Venus’s Body Art, I ran on a steady diet of engery drunks and meth if I couldn’t avoid it.
The Breakfast of champions
Working at Venus’ wasn’t just a job it was a life and most of the time a party. Not a quite moment when the fridge was always filled with spirits and rich, drunk clients.
I think by all definitions I was trying to live on borderline poverty. I had kept it simple. I had 7 changes of clothes, a toothbrush, blanket, laptop and cell phone.
The hell with everything else.
This is really the kind of life Tomas would have if he didn’t have Sofia around. It was something I could see him doing.
+++
No cold sweats, nausea, nightmare or fever.
I just couldn’t sleep.
My body was tired (as always) but my mind just wouldn’t rest, it just took me to dark places.
Apart of me wants to close my eyes and open them and see her there. My evening was very hands on but when was the last time I really touched someone.
I tried to remember what she smelled like or what her just being there would do
for me. Maybe she’d see me unable to sleep and hold my hand or make me talk to
her. Maybe she would kiss me or better yes let me kiss her or make love to her.
“Shit”
I turn on the lamp by my head and light a cigarette. There are 21 pill bottles standing upright amongst the cigarettes, the green and white ones look especially tempting.
“You’re not supposed to be smoking, remember?”
I hadn’t even noticed Maddie was in the kitchen.
“Fuck off.”
She shuffles out of the kitchen and towards the pile of spilled orange bottles. She picks up one and reads it scrupulously
“You know depression isn’t a real thing. I mean Tom Cruise said it’s just something doc-“
Wow, is this dated
“What part of ‘fuck off’ did you not understand”, If Eric wasn’t visiting his parents I would have never yelled at her.
It wasn’t that I feared Eric I just respected him.
She rolls her eyes and shuts herself in her room.
Once Maddie is gone I start to light up another cigarette, taking the time to look at the box, mostly the Surgeon General’s warning.
I had cigarettes telling me they might kill me and drugs telling me they might make me kill myself, I guess this is how it feels when you are in-between dying and suicide.
I toss the remaining cigarettes in the trash
+++
*hangs head in shame*
Okay, here it comes. It’s not that I wrote a relationship between an adult and underaged character that bothers me, it’s that this is so out of character for Tom.
It’s impressive. I almost hate to get rid of it, but it’s my job.
Overnight a set of what I saw as talented students had tagged a set of lockers. It was simple just a few peace signs and crude words but the shading and colors were perfect.
“If you need to stay late, that’s fine just get rid of it”, the principal continues to give me orders in her thick Jersey accent.
“Yes, Ma’am”
I pretend to get started and she walks away, clearly she has some competence in me. Once I’m sure she is out of ear shot I try to commit parts of the image to memory but the clicking of heels signals the principals return.
LiLe : Oh, God it’s coming
Muse : What it’s edgy
LiLe : *dies*
A little bit of ammonia and the paint starts to drip right off.
“Oh my god”
That wasn’t the principal.
I look out the corner of my eye to see one of the students, looking at the ruined graffiti.
I don’t notice much about her except she has hazel brown eyes
“Do you have to do that?”, The hazel-eyed girl asks innocently.
I could have said yes and been done with it, but it was such a stupid question, and I doubted she had actually done the tagging.
“I’m talking to you”, she says.
I notice she has a bookbag she must have come in late.
“No English”, I dial up the accent.
“B.S”, she semi-calls me out.
“Ar galetumete man padeti?”
She takes a few dollar bills out and sprinkles them on the floor.
“I’m going to tell the principal that you tried money from me and I’d like to see you explain it to her”
I briefly reflected on my three hours of sleep and how it could lead to bad decision making.
“Can’t you just fucking got to class”
“I can now”, she says
“Wait. . . did you do this ?”
“No”, she continues down the hall.
Looking back at the half melted graffiti I can’t remember it anymore.
I hate teenagers.
+++
It felt oddly formal and completely unlike me.
I picked up a pencil and left a small dot on the paper easels I had set up in the living room, the paper was thin and tore easily.
It was one of the rare times when the apartment was completely empty with everyone at work, school or avoiding both, for me it was a sick day and I knew I would be better off in than out.
Turning the page I started again this time with a light line that was more like a curve.
I had to remind myself that this wasn’t supposed to be work or for money. It was supposed to be a hobby, fun even. I shouldn’t have had to think this hard.
I was trying something different. Art that wasn’t for show or bragging rights, it was personal, my own personal challenge.
I must have sat there for hours but it led to nothing.
Yeah, I can’t even read this. *skims*
+1+
My arm burns when her hand runs across my freshly inked arm, but I invite the pain and pull her closer into a deep kiss. I can feel her tongue running along my mouth and across my teeth and it unravels me.
Her fingers run through my hair pulling me closer, I’m not as strong as I used to be. She kisses me down my chest, her fingers clasp around my belt buckle and I let out a low breath. I couldn’t do this again because. . .
I’m supposed to be working
School gets out in 2 minutes
And she’s 16.
“Shit, Gracelyn”
“What?”
LiLe : I am SUCH a bad person. Die chapter die !
Muse : You can’t blame this on me
Story Vomit : What up ?
She steps back a little, shaking out her hair to cover her face, ignoring the two missing buttons on her shirt. Those hazel eyes aren’t so innocent anymore, redheads really are evil.
I pulled off my bleach stained sweatshirt replacing it with a black plaid button-up. She watched me, seemingly uninterested.
“I’m going to miss my bus”, I check my watch again. I should have been gone 30 minutes ago..
“Was it something I did?”
“Never”, I say on my way out the door.
I reach the bus station just in time to see it pull away. Just a few blocks and I was already breathing hard.
I take a water bottle out of my bag, taking a sip at first before tipping the bottle and letting the cold water spill over my face, soaking the collar of my shirt. I’ll admit I felt dirty, but the last thing I had time for was a conscious.
Gracelyn Daniels was bored and I had come to the decision that so was I. She had striking red hair brown eyes and perfectly tanned skin with confidence beyond her 16 years.
She had found me in the hall again a few days ago and made a comment I was starting to get used to.
“I like your tattoos”, she had said
I had decided against covering my tattoos that day, it was getting warmer and it was just ink—art in my mind.
“I like them to”, I said not looking up from the spot I had been mopping all morning.
She walks past me to continue to class, late, when she touches my neck. Literally invading the personal space I valued so much.
I looked over at her, her hand still on my neck, I gripped the mop harder when I really wanted to grip something else.
I shrugged her hand off at the thought. Needless to say I was stronger man then.
Gracelyn looked embarrassed as she should have. I went back to work but she was working on my mind.
The next day I waited for her to walk in late as usual, I didn’t even hesitate to speak to her.
“You really like my tattoos ?”, I ask her as she walks past.
“Yeah, I guess”
I motion for her to follow me and really it was her choice, I guess she trusted me. I lead her towards the little office, leaving the door slightly ajar.
“Why are you always late”
“I don’t want to be here”, she had said simply
Now that I was closer to her I realized how put together and nicely dressed she was, but I couldn’t help but to pry. There had to be something; drunk father, crazy family, drugs.
No one was ever just late.
“How many do you have?”, she asked.
I assumed she meant my tattoos.
I counted in my head but they all really seemed to flow together from my back to my arms and around my neck.
“Hard to count”, I admit
“Is that one new?”
She pointed to my wrist which now has a red ribbon across it. Dr. Lane thought seeing it would prevent me from shooting up, the skin around it was still slightly irritated.
She takes my wrist in both of her hands, feather light touches up and down my arm.
And there is was, her thing.
“You know that means I have AIDS”
“Yeah, this is a public school”
LiLe : Why the fuck are they still talking
“So, what is your deal?”
“I just like your tattoos . . . they make you interesting.”
It was a ridiculous answer and I started to remove her hand from wrist and she kissed me, our kiss became deep, quickly, our breathing less and less controlled.
Then I lost control of everything else
Here I was at the end of the line with very little good health or credit to my
name and I had found a new little sexless addiction.
The next bus shows up 20 minutes late and by the time I make it back to they city I’m an hour late for my doctor’s appointment. Dr. Lane has gone home for the night and the hospital is still going to charge me.
I fill up on my medications, wondering how much I can sell the Prozac for considering I was getting way to distracted to do my job.
+2+
LiLe : Why backstory ? Why?
Okay
so backing up. I wish I would have focused on Tom’s therapy group instead of
this Gracelyn b.s. For the purpose of
this I’m going to have to scratch out the therapy group. I’m keeping Grace in
because she comes up in later parts. The thearpy group never comes back or effects the plot. I just needed him to do other things.
Don’t worry past LiLe I know how to handle this
Touch was like alcohol in my family
As a child I thought it was something only the
adults did. I know my mother loved me but I could count on one hand the times
she’s hugged or kissed me.
I would watch as she sat in my fathers lap,
talked and flirted with him and I would become jealous.
Fortunately I wasn’t smart enough then to try
and hurt myself to get her attention. But as I got older I learned about a
different kind of touch
A bad touch.
The kind after to many drinks and jealous
hearts that lead to late night hospital visit and tearful phone calls back home
to Lithuania.
I have no idea how I ever became a functional
member of society
I thought about all this but I didn’t say it.
Even thought I was in the perfect place to be
this honest.
But for me group therapy was a good time
to listen.
“And I just hate those damn depression
commercials”, Continued Mark G., “It’s never complete right or gone, I mean
right?”
Dr. Lane nods her head in agreement like she
does with most statements made in group.
“Tomas do you have anything to add?”, she asks.
She new I had been having trouble with my
medication.
“I wanted to kill myself . . .before the pills”, I start as Tomas A., “but if one of the side effects of the meds is suicide, then how they fuck am I supposed to know they are working?”
She doesn’t nod her head but everyone in the group looks to her for an answer.
34 of us sit in plastic chairs in the lunchroom of the hospital for 2 hours a day to talk about out what went wrong. What we had to give up, lose or take to need little pills to keep us happy.
The lights are dimmed to save cost but it doesn’t add to the environment. I do like it because it makes it hard to really see anyone.
“Well Tomas, you’re not dead are you”
“No”, I start biting at my pinky nail.
“Then that means they are working.”
I look around at the group to see if they agree and they all nod their heads accordingly. In group I wasn’t so different from everyone else. They had all driven away parts or all of their family over something they couldn’t control.
I sympathized more with those suffering from depression because of personal tragedy then the unfulfilled soccer moms whose kids have gone to college, they made me want to kill myself.
Dr. Lane checks her watch which is a sign that time is almost up
“In closing I just want to remind everyone that family & friends day is coming up, it’s a good time to show and talk about your progress. I’ll see you all next week”
Everyone gets up and leaves some say goodbye to each other or hold door open. I start out slowly but decide to hang back and talk to Dr. Lane.
“Dr. Lane?”
“Yes, Mr. Alexander.” , she says now that we are alone
“Have I made any progress?”
“Of course, everyone has.”
“It’s just—“
“Save it for the next meeting.”
“Please?”
She checks her watch again.
“Alright.”, we both sit back down
“It’s just I’ve lost my business and my wife and I don’t see how this is progress.”
“You haven’t lost anything Mr. Alexander, you’ve made your life one you can live. Do you think you just took on to much, to soon.”
“Yes, I can see that”
“Progress isn’t just about getting better, it’s also about change”
She puts a hand on my shoulder before leaving, walking slowly as if she expects me to follow her. I decide to stay a few minutes longer.
I’ve missed the quiet
+++
Health insurance
Paid.
Rent
Paid.
Debt payment
Made.
I tapped my fingers on the keyboard and considered what else to do with my paycheck. I could get myself a nice belated birthday present, get some real food or buy new clothes ? probably not.
Looking up from my computer one of the new roommates is watching some Japanese DVD, I don’t remember his name but I would have ignored him either way.
Today had decidedly been my day off when I could barely make it off the couch without feeling pain.
My cell phone rings and the new roommate gives me a look like he can’t press rewind.
“Hello?”, I speak loudly into the receiver
“It’s Grace.”
LiLe : God, She’s back.
“How the hell did you get this number?”
LiLe : I was about to say the same thing
“I messed with your phone while you were taking a nap”
I had to stop sleeping at work.
“What is it ?”
“Yeah, so look I’m a little lost in the city.”
I imagined she was on some school field trip or hiding from her parents.
“Where are you ?”
“I don’t know I thought the streets were numbered but now they all have names and crap.”
I listen to her describe the neighborhood, surprised that she even made it to The Village in one piece. She was only 15 blocks away.
“Hey. . .”, I struggled to remember JapansesDVD guy’s name, “Do you want to make 100 dollars ?”
“I don’t carry drugs, man”
Guess he didn’t know my name either.
“My friend is a little lost can you just bring her here”
I hand him the money and after I tell him where she I, he drags himself off the floor and downstairs.
In the 30 minutes it takes them to get back I fight though the pain and dizziness kicking off all the blankets I had over my legs.
She comes up stairs alone in a long sleeve dress that hangs maybe an inch above her knees.
“This is nice”, she says taking a seat next to me.
It doesn’t take her long to wind her arms up my neck and pull my mouth to hers, it’s like she doesn’t realize how shitty I look.
“This is better”,I return her kisses, around her lips and down her neck, roughly licking and sucking and it’s tiring.
My eyes start to burn a little and turning away from her I break into a violent coughing fit, I can feel the fluid filling up in my lungs. I remember to lay on my side but it doesn’t help. It feels almost like I can reach the blockage with my fingers but get my gag reflex instead.
Fortunately I had a trashcan close by.
She jumps up from my side, looking terrified.
“Are you okay ?”
“Yeah, I just need to lay down, for a minute”
Oh, look at you Tom. Not so strong without Sof to take care of you
Gracelyn waits a few minutes before coming into my field of vision.
“I came all the way over here, I want to do something fun”
“Getting lost is fun. I’m not keeping you here you can do whatever you want.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired and the last thing I wanted to do was babysit. I also didn’t want Maddie making jokes about me seeing a younger girl.
“Just let me get in a quick nap”, I’m half asleep when I say it.
I don’t hear her response but my quick nap last for six hours.
+3+
I have nightmares about her.
It’s usually the same thing.
Back in the old (old) apartment I’d see her and
Derek.
What if she hadn’t been a fighter?
I had gotten to know a little about Derek when
I bought from him. When he started hitting he didn’t stop, what if he hadn’t ?
Would I have had to carry her bruised bloody
body up the stairs?
Would I tell anyone?
Anyway, there she would be not an inch of unbruised
skin. Black, blue and swollen and then she’d open her eyes and call for her
mother until she couldn’t anymore.
That dream always scared the shit out of me.
Almost enough to call her.
Almost.
Instead I wake up to what appears to be an
empty living room. Gracelyn is still here asleep on the floor. I step over her
and head to the bathroom and open the window so I can smoke a quick joint.
I take a quick shower and put on a new nicotine
patch, before waking Grace up, but she is already awake.
“You shouldn’t be here”, I get unusually
strict.
“Why not, I’m pretty much alone for the
weekend.”
That was honestly good enough for me.
“Want to get a late dinner?”
“Sure”
A quick glance at my watch confirms that it is
a few hours before midnight. We walk down to a hole-in-the wall restaurant that
is open late. I take a seat at the bar and she follows.
The usual pool tables had been cleared and a
few enamored couples are dancing, swaying actually with each other. I decide to
stomach a beer while Gracelyn braves ordering some food.
“I want to dance.” Gracelyn whispers in my ear.
I swear to God every time she talks to me I
feel guilty, but she was beautiful—sexy even. I had always wanted what I
shouldn’t have.
“I don’t dance”, I tell her truthfully
“If you don’t I’ll find someone who will”, she
says teasingly.
I wasn’t that high though and firmly protest.
Five minutes later she is playing jailbait to some other man, I keep a close
eye.
The son of a bitch looks like he is the
luckiest man in the world, with her on his arm. He can’t stop smiling or
looking at her.
I take a sip of my beer, my thumbnail suffering
as I watch them.
Graceyln circles her foot softly at a
perfect point infront of her, with her back to the man’s chest, her tanned
sculpted ankle hooks quickly to the back of the mans jean covered calf
moving slowly up his leg and back to the floor.
My gaze travels up her legs to where they
disappear beneath her skirt, as if she knows I’m watching she slowly circles
her hips, pressing closer into the man with her mouth slightly open.
This girl must have cable.
The man turns her deathingly slow so they are
facing each other. That girl looks so confident, or she is trying to make me
jealous. She shakes out her hair and runs her hands down and along the mans
face and neck, stopping at his chest.
The son of a bitch looks happy, content. He
didn’t need to seem to need any fucking pills.
Leaving my drink, I allow myself to cut in with
a more reserved space between Gracelyn and I. Her small hand fits perfectly in
mine. Lifting her hand above her head she does a little turn before collapsing
close to my chest.
“I want to be with you”, she pleas.
“You are with me”, I’m a little coy.
“Please”
She suddenly hooks a leg around my waist, more
to the joy of the other men around and I step away, not wanting to draw
attention to myself.
I kiss her top lip.
“Soon, I really don’t want to have to go back
to jail”, I say half-joking
She seems intrigued by the idea that I’ve been
locked up.
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“Shhh, My love”
The words come out before I can control them
and for a minute I’m not even sure if I really said it.
I convinced myself that it was my European side
coming out, but I knew the feeling.
I had slipped up.
I raise her arm for another turn, she wraps her
arms around my neck and rest her face against my chest. I let my eyes close and
carefully drift away.
“Take me home with you”, pure lust dripping of
every word she said.
“It’s to far away”, I don’t think she
understood what I meant
I won’t tolerate that scene
+++
“This is not Pinkberry”, Gracelyn whined, wrapping her arms around mine.
“I know I have to take care of something.”
I had decided to actually make plans with Gracelyn and get to know a little more about her than just her body when I got a message from Chaz.
I didn’t know who Chaz was but he said he was the landlord of the building the studio apartment Sofia had lived in.
LiLe :What the hell is she still doing in my story ?
Muse : Depth ?????
Apparently the girls who had been subleting left after a safety incident and now I needed to pay a fine. I decided it was only fair to evaluate the damage myself.
Approaching the Chelsea apartment building I ignored the glance from the doorman and took the stairs up to the apartment.
Gracelyn was quiet and was observing the entire building.
“Fuck.”, I let it slip out once the door was open
The side of the wall by the stove was charred and black. Bits of the wall paper were fluttering down at the tiniest shake, there were some burned towels and a giant puddle of water on the floor.
I put two and two together before the landlord could explain.
“Do you want to tellme why the fire alarm was disabled, Mr. Alexander?” he asked.
Oh Tomas you and those Smoke Detectors
“What the hell happened?”
“A crockpot exploded.”
“Are you seriously going to charge me for this?”
“Either you or your wife--.” he looked at Gracelyn. Clearly not remembering what Sofia looked like.
“Sofia !?”, Severine’s voice joins in from the hallway
She runs into the already crowded studio, looking very confused.
“Where is Sofia”, she starts looking around.
“Chaz”, I remember his name because he is wearing a nametag “Just tell me how much it cost”
He pulls out a calculator and some estimates while Severine has settled her stare on me and Gracelyn.
Chaz leaves as soon as the ink is dry on the check while Severine blocks my exit.
“What are you even doing here, Severine ?”
“The subleters were friends of mine, we were going to have a fondue party.” she shifts her gaze, “Can I talk to you alone”
She motions for me to follow her into the bathroom, the only ‘room’ in the apartment. I reluctantly follow her.
“What is it?”
“Who is she.”
I don’t like her tone.
“I’m not with your sister anymore, Severine. I shouldn’t have to be alone.”
“You’re still married to her”
“It’s just a formality. . .”
“Yeah maybe to you, besides you don’t think she is a little young ? I mean come on.”
“Sofia is just as capable of filing as I am, why do you care, Severine ?
“It’s just”, she shifts uncomfortably, “I can easily see how Sofia could do better than you but are you even trying?”
“You’re not making any sense”
“Sofia tried so hard to convince me that you were a good person before she gave up on you”
Severine slides by me and out the door, before I can defend myself. I follow her out and take a seat on the couch by Gracelyn.
The last time I had been in this spot Sofia had been holding on to me. She had been sitting behind me, the back of my neck to her chest. She didn’t even cry, she had been so strong.
But she couldn’t let go.
See, see what mistakes you are making Tom
That was all I asked of her, to let me go and she couldn’t even do that.
“. . . so what do you think ?”
I hadn’t even noticed Gracelyn was talking
“I wasn’t listening.”
“Can I get a set of keys? I mean until you find someone else to sublet. It’d be like having my on place.”
“I don’t know”
“Please”, she leans over me, “We could be alone.”
I shift our position so that I’m on top of her. I could make new memories in this place. I can feel her warm open mouth on my neck, pushing at the collar of my shirt.
It’s sweet
The couch carries an almost earthy sweet scent that is very familiar.
Sofia has spilled something on the couch one day and the scent had stayed with her.
What was it ?
Dried Tea
But it wasn’t tea it was a flower.
Chamomile
“What is it ?”, Gracelyn asked noticing my lost expression
“Let’s go”
I get up and start turning off all the lights
“Why?”
“I need to buy something.”
+++
What had started out as curve on a sheet of paper was becoming more, it was becoming real almost unsettling so.
I kept checking my watch but the shading on the eyes had to be perfect. Even though the entire sketch was black and white the eyes still weren’t dark enough.
“Fuck”, I overreacted as my pencil snapped.
I took a sip of cold tea before finding another pencil. I finished a dark line along her eyes, painting her face with definition. I watch the picture for a while, the edge of my nails pressing into my bottom lip.
I decide to add a little extra shade.
Perfect.
I got up quickly and hailed a cab to take me to
the hospital. I was running a few minutes late and since it was Friends and
Family day I had even dressed up a little in a pair of khakis and a polo shirt.
The cafeteria had been decorated with a banner
and Dr. Lane had even bought a sheet cake. It was like a little party, and I
had shown up alone.
Dr. Lane waited for a few more people to arrive
before calling the meeting to order. It was interesting seeing people I knew as
individuals from group interact with their families.
Even when Dr. Lane was speaking I couldn’t take
my eyes off of a woman, Halle H. I believe, who had bought her baby with her.
Halle had mentioned in group that her daughter was one years old but suffered
from fetal alcohol syndrome.
The baby looked perfectly normal, seemingly
more interested in her mother’s cake than Dr. Lane’s speech.
“Now”, I listened to Dr. Lane, “As you all know
today’s meeting was optional so. . .Tomas , if you don’t mind, do you want to
tell us why you decided to come alone?”
Dr. Lane always seemed to ask people to do
things, but I new it wasn’t optional.
“I didn’t, really”, I sat up a little
straighter, “I think I would have wanted to bring my friend Terry. He was with
me when I was diagnosed with AIDs. . . but he died from drugs.”
I had forgotten what I was going to say but I continued,
I won’t pretend like seeing all those people there with those who supported
didn’t help, because it did.
“He was a good person, and friendly. I mean
it’s strange. .. . I’d never felt so close to someone I had only knew for a
short time. . . he made me feel like I could lov--”
I shut myself up trying to figure out what the
hell I was going to say.
“Tomas—“
“No”, I cut Dr. Lane off, “I mean I love my
wife like she deserved-“
“It’s okay, Tomas”
She turned away from me and started going
around the group. I shook off my little outburst.
I tried to concentrate on the rest of the
meeting, biting anxiously at my fingernails. By the end of the meeting there
wasn’t a dry-eye in the place, they were tear of happiness of change but I
wondered how long it would last.
How long till Halle had another drink
Till Mark overdosed
Till I walked the thin line between life and
death and fall off.
On the way out I approached Halle. She was
maybe a few years older than me her sleek black hair was cut short against her
dark skin.
“Hi”, I choked on words.
“Hi, Tomas”, she remembered my name.
I watched her put the baby into the stroller,
when she saw I was still there, watching, she smiled nervously.
“You didn’t bring your husband?”
“No, he’s working”
“Do you need some help?”
“No, but thanks”, she pours herself some coffee
to go, “I’ll see you next week.”
When I get back to the apartment I flip through
the pages on the easel till I come across the almost complete portrait. For the
first time I touch a bit of paint, red paint, to the paper; starting with the
lips, her lips.
There are four different shades of red paint; I
alternate between them, tracing the sides and tops of the lips, followed by the
darker colors in the center.
Finally they all just blend together and very
carefully I let a bit of color veer off. Dipping the brush back in the paint a
dark red slash finds it’s way across the canvas, quickly followed by another.
Taking a thicker brush I spread more red across
the paper, covering the penciled image, in a lustful mean red.
I wait for myself to regret the dripping wet
page, but I don’t.
I carefully detach the heavy paper and throw it
out.
I was making progress
Blah blah blah. Tomas is healing
+4+
So, Tom and Grace gets found out and Tom is fired.
The clock overhead ticked slowly as I waited for the principal in her
office. She was going to decide if I could work for the regular school year and
judging by her approval of me I seemed to have found myself a steady job.
Mrs. Cantilano
I memorized the name on that was printed on a paper weight
Principal Cantilano had numerous degrees from Rutgers but apart from that
nothing in her office was that interesting.
“Mr. Alexander”?
She comes in unannounced
“Yes.”
“Well, I know you wanted to stay with us full time but. . . I’m going to
have to let you go.”
“What do you mean ?”
I had two rents to pay.
“Mr. Alexander I understand that you may have been involved with a
student.”
He tone is stern and cold.
I wonder if I can get away with lying to her, then I notice the folder
that she is holding.
“It’s not. . .” I couldn’t talk my way out of shit.
“It doesn’t matter, you had a contract and a code to follow. . . this is
uncalled for and a violation of our policy”
“Am I going to prison ?"
I could practically see the front page of the newspaper.
“Fortunately, for you the age of consent in New Jersey is 16-“
“I didn’t slee-“
“It doesn’t matter Mr. Alexander. I took a chance on you, I’m going to
have to ask that you leave the property and
you have been blacklisted in our system.”
I had to remind myself that this was really
happening. I couldn’t think of any words to defend myself but a silent exit
seemed like an admission of guilt.
As if God wants to rub it in further a blue
Ferrari is parked outside. I see Gracelyn standing with two beautiful people
who must be her parents.
She was a fucking lie.
Gone was her false confidence and devious smile
replaced with her head held down low while her parents whispered harshly to
her. She caught my eye for a second and I’d like to think that meant ‘I’m
sorry’
It wasn’t her fault though, I had forgotten
that God hated me and I couldn’t feel up a sixteen year old and expect not to
get caught.
I felt guilty
Guilt wasn’t the right word.
Once I’m farther away I start mentally beating
myself up for trying to pull shit the way I had. Things weren’t that bad
though.
Hell, now I’d have more free time. That was
good right ?
I had already formulated a plan on what to do
next in my head, by the time I got back to the apartment. I took the
paper off the easel and left quickly.
I needed space; it was the one thing this city
was running out of.
I walked to Tompkins Square Park, I
figured I might as well spend some time outdoors. At this rate I might have to
sleep here for a few nights.
Finding a place under the shade I set the blank
pages down.
I would have more time for this, this was what
I wanted to do anyways. I reached for a pencil when I realized I didn’t have
one. I spotted a group of art students sitting under a tree a few feet by.
“Hey”, I called moving closer, “do you have an
extra pencil”
“Here”, one of them handed me a freshly
sharpened number 5, “Nice day isn’t it”
I looked around for the first time, that day.
“Yes, it is”
+++
It just felt right, sleek black convertible with leather interior and a shiny exterior to match.
I revved it just to hear the engine run.
Then I got on the road
Where is he going? Why does he have a car ? It all gets explained next chapterhttp://lindaleighblog.blogspot.com/2009/11/admittance.html
My permalinks have different names than the blog title
@ Jayson - Eh, what's with that John guy ?
Chapter 12 Wrap-up + LL mention. Also I compare to Tomas to Brad from UL So . . . yeah.