LindaLeigh

http://lindaleighblog.blogspot.com/2009/10/moving-on.html

So I think I may have said that Adam is the Cortland of this series. I kind of wanted to see what he was up to. I mean I felt like I couldn't go from Tofia seperating to seperated in the next chapter. I thought I needed more DEPTH but I mostly got filler.

 

+1+

When I first moved to New York with literally nothing I bought a 3 dollar “I Heart New York” shirt off the street. I didn’t think much of it for a while. I wore it when I was painting or asleep but as it lay there it in the bottom of my suitcase I knew that I didn’t love New York but really what was there to hate?

 

In a way my short life’s story was clichéd and done over a million times. I had left the small town life for the big city and felt claustrophobic at the thought of having to come back into this little box of a town.

 

 I was being selfish.

I had left my room door ajar incase Sofia wanted to talk, we both had been relatively quiet as I drove back into town.

Mrs. Austin had left 6 messages on my phone asking me what I wanted to do next and even thought I knew it wasn’t her job go through with divorce preceding she was willing to find someone to handle my case.

The door creaked a little, I turned expecting to see someone but it was just the wind. Picking up my phone I decide to give Emma a call.

“Hi”, she picks up on first ring

“I could really use that drink right about now.”

One thing I never considered was having a chapter told from one POV. I think this chapter works well only from  Sof's POV

 

+++

 

Sofia

 

Taking a few quarters from my purse I shake them in my hand before opening the door.

Tomas had just walked by my door and stopped mid step when I entered the hallway.

I pretend to be casual continuing down the hall to the vending machine, he follows. I take my time trying to figure out all the off brand sodas when I realize that he has changed clothes, his shirt is a deep shade of gray, not quite black.

“Tomas?”

“I promise we can talk on the train. “

“I know but if you’re going out or whatever, I just. . . don’t want anyone to know.”

“Okay.”

“I realize now I need to tell you that”, I added, pressing the “Mr. Lemon & Lime” button on the machine.

Burn

“Stop it.”, he says, “I said I was sorry about that… I’ll be back in like an hour I can give you a ride.”

“It’s okay, I’ll get my own.”

“Sof-“

“Really it’s fine; if anything you’ve taught me how to handle things on my own. Thank you.”

Burn!

I know it was uncalled for but there was no way he could go out and still feel anywhere near as confused as I did.

You’re confused you should have seen me last chapter

 

+++

Tomas hangs out with Emma. This is pretty much padding. I had this idea that most of my chapters needed to be at least 4k so I struggled to fill it up. Also I like the idea of this scene being all Sof POV so  . . .

 

surrounding me. Halfway around the rim I accidentally tilt the glass over sending a steady stream of bourbon down the dark oak bar.

Emma laughs.

And not because she is drunk like most girls but because she loves to laugh, especially at my expense.

“That’s 8 dollars you’re never going to get back.” She runs a finger through the liquid.

“I’ll live”, or not.

“You’ve been kinda quiet”

“Just dealing with a lot of shit”

“Want to talk about it?”

She leans into her hands as if she is really interested.

“Where to start”, I began sarcastically, “Abusive parents? Cancer? AIDS? Drugs? or. . .” I tilt the empty glass and let it spin on an angle.

“Or”, she continues.

“Or, nothing”, I finish even though the urge to tell her the truth is on the tip of my tongue.

“Divorce isn’t that bad, Tomas. My parents loved theirs they each had parties and everything.”

“I just don’t want to be stuck in this town.”

“Hey. There is nothing wrong with being in this town. You should visit more often.”

“I will.”, If I have time, that is.

She turns her back to the bar, her concentration on the flat screen TV infront of us. I let my mind wander and watch the local high school baseball game, trying to find some enthusiasm for a team called the Petal Brooke Petals. I had 2 more hours before reality sets back in.

 

+++

 

The 10:45 train to New York was quiet for the first 4 hours. Even though we are the only ones in the car Sofia and I set in separate seats. She’s 6 rows behind me and tilting the black screen of my laptop I can see her leaning against the window, covered in her blanket.

I consider going back to playing solitaire but we had each other trapped now, there was nowhere to go.

Taking the first step I move back to sit next to her.

She doesn’t even look at me

“I can’t leave the city”, I start.

“I know. . . you have a life an—“

“No, it’s not just that”. I move a little closer, “Most of the bad things that have happened in my life happened in that town. Just walking the streets is a reminder of places I’ve crashed, shot up, begged for change, found my mother drunk.”

“Met me?”

“Please don’t start”

“Sorry. I understand all that but Carolina Baptist is miles from Petal Brook”

 

“New York is farther and I love my life there. . . I want you to stay. I can help take care of you . . .”

She places a cool hand on the side of my face, it’s almost comforting, but quickly withdraws it.

“I want you to take care of yourself, do you know what that means ?”

“No.”, I lied

“It’s not just your medications . . .it’s the drugs ? And irrational beha—“

“I’m irrational?—“

“Just forget it”, she turns back to her book, “You are living your life the way you want and I’m just going to do the same.”

She was wrong, and even though we didn’t trade any other words for a while I could still hear her voice in my head.

Later that night when we had gone our separate ways I knew we had both made our own choices.
The truth is you can’t live your life the way you want to, that is life.

And sometimes it isn’t.

LiLe : The End

Muse : No . . .

II.

So Tomfia have decided to split up. Of couse I couldn’t have the chapter start out with them Sof in North Carolina and Tom is NYC  because that would have meant less filler. I need to learn to Murder my darlings

I kind of like this part so I’ll keep it in.

 +2+

“Shit.”

“Excuse me?”

I place my purse on the counter looking over and under everything. I could practically hear the drugstore cashier rolling her eyes at me even though there wasn’t a line

“We take credit.” She eyes the cards in my wallet.

I take a folded ten dollar bill out of my pocket and place it on the counter still looking through my purse.

I had just gotten off a late shift at work, I was still making up for taking 2 days off and with the summer travel days approaching the store were getting thousands of customers everyday.

It was interesting meeting all the different tourist and locals but working past midnight was never good for the mind. Once outside I dial Severine’s number. It goes straight to voicemail which I figured given it was a Saturday night.

I scroll through the short list of names on my contact list and decide to dial a new number.

It rings once

Twice.

“Hello?”

“Tomas, it’s me”

I hear some noise in the background; he waits a few seconds before speaking again.

“Yes?”

“I lost my keys and—“

“You took mine”, he sounds bored.

“I know, but Maddie and Eric have the spares.”

Eric. . .  grrrr . . .

“The building manager can let you in.”

“I know, but it’s almost midnight and my mace was on my keychain.”

I hate the feeling like I have to explain myself to him.

“I’m at work. .. but I guess I can get them, where are you ?”

“The drugstore across the from the store, please hurry”

He agrees and hangs up. I wonder back in to the drug store where they have tables set up for wireless access. I had stopped by to get some mascara, a diet soda and vitamins. I started to rearrange the items on the table, my eyes growing heavy.

8 days is only a long time if you make it.

I close my eyes and fall into a half awake half asleep state.

Maybe I really was crazy like my mother and in the midst of an “episode” I was willing to do anything to make Tomas happy. It was possible that I didn’t’ know him well enough but when I look at Tomas’s life I see a string of failures.

I just wanted to fix it, I wanted to fix him.

Just thinking about it I could already feel a different pressure building up beneath my eyes. I turn my attention back to my cell phone as it ticks to 12:38 I notice the date change.

I return to my sleep/awake state for several minutes when I hear someone breathing over me and the smell of late night Vodka.

I open my eyes as he places the bent key on the table, it’s covered in tiny flecks of paint.

He was using it to open paint cans

“I didn’t know it was yours”, he explains.

“It’s fine”

“I’ll walk you back”

I’m to tired to protest and follow him out the door, he stumbles a little on the subway steps.

“Working?” I question his earlier excuse.

“We ran out of disinfectant”, he explains breathing on me. The alcohol smell is on his hands.

Oh, hmmm I think I had a character disinfect with Vodka in something else you know that other other other thing . . .

Once we reach my apartment I don’t expect him to follow me upstairs, but he does. The doorman gives me a quick look.

With a little force the key slides into the door and one step into the apartment I see my keys lying next to the stove.

After inspecting my keys I flip on the rest of the lights, completely forgetting that I wasn’t alone.

Tomas had placed some bills aside and was looking at the letter I had practically memorized since it arrived yesterday.

 “You got in?”, he seems puzzled.

“Yeah, just in time for summer.”, I take the Carolina Baptist  acceptance letter and envelope from him.

“How?”

“The admissions committee liked me and I was able to get my tuition sponsored by a church board member-“

“Who?”

He knew I didn’t know that many people in Petal Brook.

“Dr. Amhearst”

“I see, what you had to do for or to hi—“

“Dr. Amhearst, Senior is a trustee of the church.”

“I’m sure his son will invite you over for Sunday dinner”

“What do you care? I clearly get mail, I’m just waiting for the divorce papers”

“Changing the subject?”, he shuts the door, “Is David the one who gets you all fucking hot and bothered or—“

“It’s not like that”, I didn’t want to know what he was going to say.

He takes a few deep breathes to calm down but I still keep a distance

“Sofia, you don’t have to leave. . . I thought about it I’ll pay for the abort—“

“No.”, I sounded to defensive, “ I’m not leaving just because. I’m just trying to do something for myself and. . . .”

“And what? You can’t even say it.”

“Shut up.”

“Swallow your fucking shame, Sofie. Own up to your mistake”

This wasn’t right. I was fixable I wasn’t the one with the problems, I was the good one.

“What about you ?Can you say even sober ? or Clean ? You’re in thousands of dollars of debt because of drugs. Shooting up is what got you sick but you still do it ? How many times do you have to end up in the hospital till you’re out of  second chances ?”

“Fuck hospitals and chances. I don’t need to live beyond my means. ..  but you do.”

I suddenly felt guilty for wanting to make something out of my life. It was an eternal struggle and being rich or poor hadn’t made it any easier.

“That is such bullshit.”

REAL

“Can’t handle the truth?” he shuts the door.

“What do you know about the truth? You never tell me anything”, I start reaching, “Like who’s Terry ?”

“Do you really want to start talking about the truth, Sofia ?”

I didn’t.

“I just want to know things about you. You never tell me anything. I mean who the fuck are you?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore you know, Sofie, you never needed me.”

“I know. You wanted me to do everything for you, and you know what no matter how your father treated you, your mother was always there, mine wasn’t. At least I know how to survive on my own.”

“Was this your way of telling me you’re leaving  or did you call me just to take shit out on me or”

“No”, at least not at first but he made it so easy, “I don’t care what you do. . . just let me go.”

He doesn’t show any signs of emotions or that I’ve hurt him, he turns towards the door his hands undoing the lock.

“You can’t do this alone…you’re going to mess up your kid’s life”

Removing the lock he starts down the hallway, I prop the door open and follow him.

“Tomas,wait”

“Good-bye, Sofia

Instead of waiting for elevator he takes the stairs. I lock myself back in my apartment and collapse on the couch.

I was going to wish him a happy birthday.

 

+++

 

“I’m going to miss you so much”

Charleston responds with a soft meow but I think he knows that he isn’t coming back with me. He starts pawing at a frail end of my sweater, as if he wants to remind me of how cute he is.

“You’re going to be nice to him right?”

“Of course”, Severine responds.

She is lying on her kitchen counter answering some e-mails, she turns her computer around to show that she is on a Cat Lover’s website.

In other words youtube

After receiving a housing letter from Carolina Baptist, I learned that I wouldn’t be able to bring pets and even though Charleston had been more than a pet lately he was still a cat. Severine was glad to step in, not because she liked Charleston, but because she wanted to make sure I had a reason to come back visit.

I had told Severine that I was moving back to North Carolina because living in the city was getting expensive and it would be easier if/when (I actually didn’t care either way) divorce was filed.

“Any questions?”

“I think I can take care of a cat”

She hops down from the counter and Charleston starts circling her.

I hadn’t told Severine I was pregnant and at the moment had no intentions too. I hated to think a large part of it was I didn’t trust her. I could practically see her telling Angeline and having Angeline try to “clean” up my life again.

Hell, I hated admitting it to myself.

“Too bad it’s not a girl”

“What?” what did she say?

“Charleston. If he was a girl I could paint his claws or something.”

“He doesn’t have claws”, I hold up one of his paws, “But don’t get any ideas”

I spent the rest of the afternoon making sure Severine knows everything there is to know about having a cat and manage to tear myself away from the apartment to wrap up loose ends.

I had withdrawn from Hudson River and all my files and transcripts had been transferred. Severine agreed to help me find people to sublet the apartment to as a vacation home till the lease was up.

I got off the train only blocks away from the Angeline’s I had worked at. I was picking up my final check and wanted to use my employee discount one last time. A little going away present

I had worked in the store for a few months but until today I hadn’t taken the time to really browse the store, like the customers I had tended too.

I started off in the shoe department then decided to make my way to Jewelry. Looking through the display of necklace I wondered if I should get a cross, if it would be expected at my new school?

 I came across a gold colored one with little embellishment charms around it.

“That’s pretty !”

The voice behind me sounds familiar, very familiar and friendly.

“Julia?” it comes out more as a question than a statement.

“I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Dis Character. Actually these next few chapters are just enough to make me scream. I have no idea why they are there.

Julia is still her same bright-eyed self; she is piled down with shopping bags.

“I’ve been busy. . . I guess we sort of lost touch.”

Although I didn’t recall us ever being “in touch.”

“Oh, well it’s good we ran into each other!”

She leans over to look at the jewelry in the display case.

“I have an employee discount if you want to use it, thirty percent”, I offer.

“Oh, really? Adam could have used that yesterday.” she says with a laugh.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh . . . well, He flew in for our anniversary party… he didn’t tell you?”

“Uh, no.”

It was obvious Adam hadn’t told me he was in the city because he didn’t want me to know. To think If I’d worked yesterday I might have passed by him and not be left wondering if I had done something wrong.

“Well Amadeus and I met 10 years ago yesterday, were having a little celebration. You know you should come, it’s Saturday at the Marriot Marquis.”

She starts scribbling down an address and other information all while I am still trying to remember being asked to be invited.

“I don’t kn-“

“No, I insist.”

I decide to not verbally accept the agreement but we continue to browse the department together. She stops in front of one of the sale racks when her face suddenly lights up.

“I bet you’d love this.”

She removes a silver necklace in the shape of the Eiffel tower; it has little studs surrounding it. She’s right I do like.

“It’s pretty”, but I had already decide to buy the cross

“Adam said you wanted to go to Paris”

“He told you that?”

“I may have pried it out of him.”

I put the Eiffel necklace back and make a mental note to come back for it when I cash my check.

Julia and I continue shopping for an hour and it’s nice having a friend. I almost want to break down and tell her everything.

Almost.

+3+

 Yeah, so this is more Filler because Adam comes back again in the end which is less impactful cause he shows up here for NO apparent reason other than that I felt the need to make long chapters.

I had felt out of place my entire life, but standing in front of the Marquis it was a different kind of left out.

It was like I could fit in if I wanted to, if I let myself.

I had passed the hotel numerous times while downtown, watching beautiful people stepped out of taxis and limos, crowds of tourist and business people moving along the entrance. It was right in the middle of everything.

I had decided to wear a new lilac dress with rosettes, it was literally pale in comparison to the deep reds, blacks and golds of the other members of the “Roberts” party I had rode up with on the elevator.

On the elevator I was introduced to dignitaries who worked with Robert and parents of Julia’s kindergarten class, given the differences they were all just people. I introduced myself as family friend

I hung back as the doors open to the luxious top floor, now I knew why they called it the restaurant The View. The entire restaurant was reserved, the tables were perfectly align to show off the view of the city.

I considered steeping back and taking the elevator back down but Julia waved at me from where she was greeting people.

I placed my gift, an Angeline’s giftcard, on the table and hugged her.

“Here”, she hands me a wine glass.

“I can’t--”, I hand it back to her.

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s Cranberry and Grenadine. Sure they are politicians not cops but still—“

Cause Sofia is 20

“You should follow your own countries laws”, Robert interrupts her. He looks handsome in his deep blue suit and tie that matches the unique color of Julia’s dress.

“Uh, happy anniversary.” he had caught me off guard. He sounded so much like his brother.

 

I move along into the dining room. A few tables are filled but most of the guest are outside taking in the view of the city and the warm evening air.  I spot Adam’s guitar in the corner of the room.

I decide to step outside and walk around the balcony I catch parts of conversations about money, politics and the Yankees.

I spot his blonde hair in a small group of people; he seems almost as stiff and out of place as I do. He seems more polished with is simple smile and in a suit much like his brothers.

“Adam.”, I tap him on the shoulder.

“You’re here?” he seems confused

“I live here, don’t I”, I gesture towards the view, which really is breathtaking.

He excuses himself from the group and we walk back into the quieter dining room and find a semi-secluded table.

“Did Julia not tell you ?”

“No, but she’s been busy planning this. . ,you look great”, he compliments me.

“I look like an Easter egg, in this color.”

“I was going to tell yo-“

“Its fine, I get it”

He stops one of the waiters and takes a glass of wine from the tray. He hasn’t changed much in a few months except for his Rolex watch and Dior tie.

We clink our glasses together before taking a sip.

“What are we toasting?” I ask

“Reunions?”

That’s good enough for me.

Before either of us can speak again the music and lights are lowered and Julia and Robert are standing in the front of the room. I listen half heartedly as friends make speeches about the couple but the real attraction is just them.

Robert has his arm around her waist and whenever anyone says anything extremely flattering she laughs and turns a little into his chest and he would smile down at her.

 I didn’t really know if they were in love with each other but they were undoubtly happy.

I noticed Adam was watching them closely as well, is that what he wanted too ?

I couldn’t imagine living with that kind of happiness and not wanting to taste it. Maybe that’s why I liked settling, I was used to it.

“So, I’m going to school in North Carolina”, I start while a picture montage is playing,

“And I still have a job in London”

Our eyes wandered to out respective glasses. Now we both knew where things stood.

“Just you?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“London is beautiful this time of year, you know.”

“I do, but the money is just not there right now”

He moves his hand from the glass onto mine, it makes me smile

“Are you going to sing ?”

“Maybe, It just felt weird walking around the city without my guitar.”

“You know I never really got to say good-bye to you.”

“You didn’t need to, good-byes don’t mean anything.”

We leave it at that and he tells me about his job in London and all the free tickets he gets for big concerts and events. What had started out as getting a foot in the door was becoming a well paying career for him.

I kept my reasons for leaving simple, like I did with Severine. Mostly bullshit about finding the city to hectic for a mid-west girl.

You are not from the Midwest. What’s the verdict on that ? Is Colorado the mid-west ?

“Where are you staying”, I ask, feeling oddly drunk on cranberry juice.

“Here”

“In the city?”

“No, here”, he places a room key on the table.

The tips of my nails are on the key and we catch each others eyes.

“You work in London. . .”

“And you live in North Carolina”

I turn the key over in my hands.

“Can I see the view?”

He smiles.

“God, yes”

+++

 

God, No

I almost lose my grip on the white porcelain, waiting for the wave of nausea to go away.

But it doesn’t and I throw up again.

Walking over to the sink I splash some cold water on my face, and take a small sip of mouth wash. Yes, it was defiantly morning.

“You okay ?”

“Yeah”, I call through he door, “I didn’t mean to wake you”

I can hear Adam laugh.

I pull my hair into a messy ponytail before stepping out, he seems disappointed that I’m wearing my now wrinkled purple dress.

He looks uncomfortable perfect lying in bed with his shirt thrown lazily over his shoulders.

“Are you going to make me breakfast now ? I haven’t had a home cooked meal in weeks”, he ask pulling me back down with him.

“I’m sure with the money you make you could hire someone”

“Not the same.”

“How about coffee ?”

“I know this great Starbucks; I’ve met the most wonderful people there.”

He finishes he sentence with a kiss.

“Really?”

“Yes”

“Take me there”

After he gets dressed we take a cab to the coffee shop by the Met. This time the barista doesn’t recognize me but I do pay for my own Calm tea with soy milk.

We decide to have a real breakfast at the outdoor Trie Café in the Met. I had passed by several times but never really sat down. The Café   borders a covered garden, and probably the third best view I’d seen in hours.

“What are you smiling at ?”, Adam asks me as  he looks over the menu

“You”, I lean in a little closer, “You have this way of making everything seem. .. right.”

He leans a little forward.

“Sofia, do you for one minute think you don’t make me feel the exact same way.”            

I hadn’t thought of that.

“Should we pause here before one of us has to leave?” I ask.

“Can’t do that, dear”

“I know”, I turn back to the menu, “Where do you live in London?”

“South Bank, you should write that down.”

“I won’t forget”

We order breakfast and let the morning past by as slowly as possible. It’s like whoever gets up from the table first loses.

I couldn’t think of the last time I had such a peacefully Sunday morning and I knew that tomorrow it would seem like a dream. I had to learn to let go.

We run out of coffee and time all to soon.

I pull my chair back a little bit, he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Sofia--”

“Yes”, maybe he had noticed

“I can’t wait for you, anymore.”

“I know and my life is going in a direction . . .I can’t explain.”

We both stand up and embrace each other, releasing each other we still hold hands.

“I’m going to miss you”

“Not for long.”

He takes a pen off the table and scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It’s not the writing that means anything, but the paper is a Travelcard for the London underground.

Scribbled on the front it says

‘Do not lose, you will need it one day’

Okay, I’m pretty sure this is the last we see of Adam. I’m tempted to get rid of this whole section in the orginal.

 

III

 

+4+

 

I rest my head on Severine’s shoulder as the cab bounces along the roads. Everything I could carry on the plane was stowed in the backseat. Severine had entwined our arms and I think we were both tired so early in the morning.

When the cab stopped Severine made the first move and paid the driver. After my bags were unpacked we moved inside the airport.

“Are going to be okay, Sis”, she rolls my bag into the airport.

It had been a while since Severine had used the nickname with me, I can’t help but to smile. She was handling this well and I didn’t decline her offer to upgrade me to first class.

“We’ve been apart before”, I remind her.

“I know, but at least you had-“

“Tomas”

 

I look pass Severine to the man who wanted nothing to do with me.  He was back to wearing all black, he was holding a black case in his hands. I blinked to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.

He waited for me to make the first move.

“Come on, Sof”, Severine tries to distract me.

“Just. . . give me a minute”

I leave my luggage with Severine and walk towards him.

“I just. . .I”, he’s off to a messy start, “fuck”

“What is it?”

“Here”, he hands me the case. It’s his old laptop.

“Thank you.”

I don’t know what else to say so I start to walk back over to Severine, but I know he has something else on his mind.

“Sofia. . .I’m sorry, for a lot of things. . . but mostly,” he whispers in my ear, “I want you to know that I believe you’ll make a wonderful mother. You’ve always taken good care of me.”

“Thanks... I think”

I carefully turn away and walk back over to Severine, she places an arm around my shoulder leading me towards the gate.

“Severine, I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I’m”, I look back over my shoulder. He’s gone. “Nothing”

“Are you scared?” she offers

Then, I didn’t know the answer

LiLe :  I don’t know what I’m doing. Someone stop me. I have no idea what to write next. Can I quit ?

Muse : Look you’ve got an idea for an  ending you can do this !

LiLe : Okay I just need to get things back on track while also showing that time has passed. Oh I know COMPLICATED FLASHBACKS !

Muse : Er . . .

 

So yeah, the COMPLICATED FLASHBACKS pop in chapter 13. I might try to untangle it. . . or I'll cross it all ou.