I should have been holding on to her hand, she should have been able to lean on me. . . but I had my own shit to deal with.
My legs burned like pins and needles, I watched from the car
as she checked into the Petal Street Savers hotel, her
expression downcast as she bounced the baby on her hip. I watched closely as the manager talked to her
and gave her the room key. She looked over at me with an uncomfortable glance I tried to smile back.
The air in Petal Brooke is different from the city air but to me it didn’t seem any cleaner. I opened my car door and before I could attempt to stand she reaches out to support me. Concerned about my well being as always.
I think it was all the hours she spent working as a nurse because as far as I was concerned I didn’t’ deserve to be helped. I leaned against the dirty teal paint on the 96’ caravan till she bought that goddamn wheel chair around.
“Okay ?”, Sofia asked
“Yeah”I said
“I’ll get the luggage”, she said in a small but firm voice
The Petal Street Saver was small nothing fancy, it privately owned even though it was just a place to stay, I felt like she deserved better. I looked to the left and right of the building and was met with nothing but woods a tacky strip mall and a view of the interstate.
Fuck I missed the city, but for the summer that was behind me .. . behind us.
If I had a choice I wouldn’t be here. I would have let her deal with her past alone while I got to live the life that I choose, but the reality was that much dimmer.
No matter what choice Sofia made she couldn’t leave me behind. I couldn’t survive without her so I followed her.
I had given up everything so she could at least face her past in a way I never would. We couldn’t afford to pay rent while we were gone so off went the apartment, followed by anything that wouldn’t fit in a storage unit followed by anything we could sell.
On the drive down in that shitty van, I had joked that we were basically homeless and she shook her head and kept her eyes on the road and drove faster, later I noticed she had let a few tears fall.
I'd apologized the moment she let me
I pushed myself over to were we would be staying for however
the hell long we were trapped here.The room was nicer than any New York apartment I’d ever seen it was bigger too and
complete with a kitchen and tiny living room so at least there would be more
privacy.
I couldn’t fit the goddam wheelchair through the tiny bedroom door so I eased out of the chair and onto the couch, if I had really felt up to it I could have stood for a little while. My legs ached underneath the hard couch but I could deal.
Sofia finally came and looked around she set Elijah down next to me and she began to re-clean the entire room (because you can never be to sure) and set up the perfect amount of pills on the counter.
She finally set up the travel crib and placed the sleepy baby into it. She came over to where I was on the couch and I pulled her close to me.
“What am I doing ”, she said, “Am I doing the right thing ?”
“I really don't know”, I said honestly,
“I know you don’t want to be back here”
“Didn’t have a choice”, I said she backed a way sensing my bitterness
“I’m sorry”
I hated that phrase I hated those two little words and she kept on saying them.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry
“You should go out”, I said
“I don’t really—“
“Fuck, Sofia.”, I yelled at her because I was sorry, “We’ve been in the together car for ten hours just take the baby and leave”
She didn't jump at my mood swings, I wanted to blame the meds I really did but it was a combination of a lot of things.
“Are you sure ?”
“I have my meds, I have my cell and pager I can’t leave so I need you to.”
She didn’t move, as if she expected me to change my mind. She finally got her things together and left.
I sat back and enjoyed the silence, I was being a jerk I knew this but I didn’t care.
+++
He was bitter
I understood that, he still needed to feel like he had some pull in our marriage. Like he had control over anything but the truth was he didn’t and never would again.
I slipped behind the wheel of the car, tapping my fingers on the wheel wondering where I should go. There were very few people I knew here and even if I did see them I would just have to explain why I was in town.
I decided to get some groceries from a discount store I remembered being around the corner. Tomas just needed time to himself that was it. He liked to be a free spirit, to come and go as he pleased but that couldn’t be his life anymore and I know it hurt him because it hurt me.
What I was doing here.
Martina Lawson and her sister. That was why I was here.
It was nearly a month ago today that Martina Lawson had found me. She had walked up and down 30th ave in Astoria knocking on every door till she found someone who knew me. Tomas and I mostly kept to ourselves during the few hours we didn’t work or sleep so it was a lost cause on her part.
She had been ready to give up until she spotted me picking Elijah up from the baby sitter. I usually made a point of avoiding people on the street but I stopped when she called my name.
There were few secrets in my past and the way she said my name I knew what this was about.
“Do I know you?”, I’d said
She kept in step with me she was dressed in sensible shoes and a dark green suit.
“No, but I need your help”, She said
She showed me a picture of a brown haired girl with bright brown eyes in a soccer Jersey.
“This is my sister”, she said, “this was taken five years ago when she was fourteen. Before the MS took her from me”
Martina explained that her sister had been in the long –term care unit of Petal Brook Medical Center for 5 years. As the MS claimed her the only form of communication was her ability to blink and cry. Martina had begun to notice a difference in her sister over the past few months.
Her sister was un responsive, listless and distant. The doctors said it was because of how her MS was progressing but Martina knew it was something else. She didn’t tell me how and I didn’t want to know but she learned her sister had been as she put it "tourtred and abused" in the hospital.
Martina pressed charges but they were dropped the moment her sister died.
Suicide.
She had suffocated herself by holding her breath when they inserted the feeding tube. Martina never said the word suicide but that was what it was.
“I’m sorry for your loss”, I said
“You were a patient in the same wing at the same time my sister was. . . hurt. . .you had the same medical team and I thought maybe you could help me put the pieces together”
“That was so long ago”, I said, “That’s not a part of my life I really talk about”
“I know”, she said I knew why she was here, It’s apart of your past but it is still very present for me. I know what happened to you. . .what happened to her”
Martina held up the picture of her sister playing soccer to me,”Even with the MS she was still this girl until he broke her. He killed the spirit that was this girl”
Even though it wasn't a picture of me I recognized the girl's smile.
“I’m sorry I can’t”
“Mrs. Alexander if you let him get away this he wins. . . that means you’re on his side.”
Her words angered me, they were supposed to and it worked.
“Do you know his name ?”, I asked seeing as I would never forget
it.
“No.”
“His name was Allen Fenton.”
“You knew him ?”
“He raped me...too”, I said letting the photo fall to the ground.
I don’t know where the words came from but once it was out I could not live with the secret anymore.
“You said there were others ?”, I asked finding words hard to form
I couldn't say no, and maybe I didn't want to. She let me keep the picture of her sister and I still had it.
That night when I went home Tomas silently listened when I told him what I needed to do—wanted to do. He hated Petal Brook, hated the suburbs, with cookie cutter families, he hated the idea of leaving the city that he lived and breathed.
A rare instance in our marriage when I knew he really loved me.
I lingered in the grocery store for longer than I needed. I had forgotten how early everything closed on Sundays in Petal Broke.
Tomas was at the kitchen counter with a small canvas flat against the counter. He held a pencil loosely in his hand lost in whatever he was drawing.
“Sofyete, can we talk ?”
“Sure”. I said dragging the groceries to the small kitchenette
“I’m not sure how this court thing works –“
“What about when you went to jail”
“ That was different I knew I was guilty—going to court was just a formality. Anyway I was thinking you should work while we’re here to help us get back on out feet when we get back to New York.”
“Well, there is only one hospital in Petal Brooke and I can't go back there—“
“Nothing like that. . . didn’t you waitress a few years back when we first met
? ”
“You want me to go back to being a waitress ? what about you ?”
“Judson has an open chair at his shop”
I realized he must have been talking about Judson's tattoo parlor across the bridge.
“ Won’t you be tempted ? I know how hard you've tried --”
“I’m clean, I’ve told you that”, he snapped
“What if I don’t want to work?”
“Sofie, I left my job for this. . . we have nothing waiting for us back home I’m trying to look out for all of us.”
“Going back ? Is that all you can think about.”
“Yes, I didn’t leave this godforsaken town just to comeback. “
“I’m sorry I’m such an inconvenience”, I said
“Is it going to be like this the entire time ? I’m not going to fuc--pretend like I want to be here like I’m okay with the fact that I need my wife to do everything for me.”
“Stop being selfish Tomas. You want me to work fine but don’t forget why I’m here. Don’t you care that some monster hurt the woman you love that I have to face the man who stole my virginity ?"
“I’m sorry”, he said automatically, “I’ll make dinner, okay”
He started skimming the back of the frozen lasagna box. I put the rest of the groceries away and set Elijah’s blanket on the floor setting up his blocks.
Elijah was almost 8 months old, his development was slow because he was born pre mature and like everyone else in this family he was sick. He suffered from a heart condition due to the bi-polar meds I had taken when pregnant.
I didn’t worry much about my own meds anymore, anything Tomas and Elijah needed came before me. True it was hard sometimes but knowing they were taken care of made me happy . . . even smile some time.
+++
My deposition was in two days which gave us plenty of time to get situated in Petal Brook again.
The next morning I had dropped Tomas off in his old neighborhood across the bridge so he could “make rounds”. Which I took to mean that he was telling all his mother’s friends that she was dead and then he needed to see if she had any debts to settle.
I pulled up to his old neighborhood, he became self conscious as I helped him settle in his wheel chair. He was still losing weight fast, his wasting complexion made him look forty instead of twenty five. I counted out his meds writing out the order and how he had to take them.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay ?”, I said looking around at the deserted streets and run down houses
“Yeah, they know me here. I’ll call you to come get me. Be safe”
“I will”
As much as I wanted to put it off I decided to see if I could find a job. I
While I drove around I I found myself liking the shopping centers, school buses and
families. It was a beautiful upscale town it was hard to believe something so
terrible had happened here. It was the kind of place I could live if I were ever on my own.
Elijah and I drove over to Colette’s, a popular diner I had worked at when I first started nursing school. It was close to the train station and hotels so it was a mainstay in town. I had dressed up the best I could in tattered khakis and a button up.
The manager didn’t remember me from when I used to work there but since they went through
waitstaff quickly he told me I could work
nights for tips only.
As soon as I finished up with the manager my phone rang, I recognized Martina’s number
“Hello”
“Hi, Mrs. Alexander. Did you get in okay”
“Yeah, and you can call me Sofia”, I couldn’t help but to sound solemn when I talked to her.
"I'm just glad you came. Is there anyway we can talk ?"
"Yes, I'm a Colette's."
"I know the place", she said hanging up
Martina looked just like her sister did in the picture, she was a legal aide so
her need for justice seemed to be apart of her. S
“How are you adjusting ?”, she asked playing with Elijah
“Good”, I said, “the streets are wider, gas is cheaper, people are nicer”
“You’re ready to meet with the lawyer tommorow ?”
“I think so”
“It’s just a deposition. . . just people talking You’ll like the lawyer. Tara has been with me since the beginning”
“Will I get to meet the other women ?”
“I guess that is up to them.”, she said picking up the menu
She ordered a salad and I ordered whatever was cheapest with only five dollars in my purse. I told her about my life in New York. She told me about hers but it always seemed to go back to her sister whose name I had forgotten.
“I know what it’s like”, I told her, “To take care of someone like you did with your sister”
This was a sore subject for Martina.
“Did you leave them in a hospital, like I did ?”, Martina asked ripping up her empty sugar packets.
“No, but I might have to soon. I don’t know how you go on afterward. I just hope I can.”
“It was hard not feeling guilty at first. . . is it a relative ?”
Martina hadn’t met Tomas and I knew she was beginning to wonder why. It was strange even though my mother had been institutionalized during most of my teen years I never felt ashamed of her. Maybe that was the advantage of being a teenager.
“My husband”, I said, “he’s sick”
She didn’t pry and I was grateful, it was hard saying the
word “AIDS” and expect people to respond the way you want them too.
My cell phone rang and I picked it up so fast I almost dropped it.
“Tomas ? Are you ready”
“Yeah. I’m at Judson’s don’t rush or anything .”
He hung up and I motioned for the waitress (my new co-worker ?) and left the five on the table.
“I have to go, Martina”
“Okay, call me if you need anything”
“Sure”
“And Sofia”
“Yes”, I stopped at the door.
“Thank you”, she smiled and turned back to her lunch.
I wanted to get across the bridge and back before dark, it
took a while for me to remember where the tattoo parlor was. It had been almost two years since I had been
in the area. A few more businesses had opened up on the street mostly paycheck
cashing places and liquor stores.
I waited outside the tattoo shop with the car running. Elijah was crying in the back seat and I knew blowing the horn would scare him more. I called Tomas’ phone to tell him I was there but he didn’t pick up.
Finally Judson came out, he had a brown paper bag in hand. He was Tomas' age with a shaved heads and more piercing than seemed possible. I locked the doors and opened the window.
“Hey there, sweetie”, he said
“Where is Tomas”
“I think he is sick or something”, he said taking another drink
“Fuck”, I said quietly. I knew he would do drugs or drink... i knew it.
I took Elijah out of his car seat and held him close and went inside the shop. It was after five so it was crowded. Everyone was smiling with plenty of drugs out in the open. Judson pointed to the bathroom and I opened the door.
Tomas was sitting on the floor covered in sweat
“what happened ?”I said kneeling down next to him
“I think I got—confused-I took the wrong thing or something like that-“
“It’s okay Tomas—let’s go back to the hotel this place is filthy”
“Don’t be a bitch, Sofie.. .”
“You just need to take some ipecac and we can start your meds over.”
“You think I’m too fuc—stupid to know how to take my own meds.”
“Stop making it about that, it's complicated”
“Just wait in the car and don’t talk to anyone out there.”, he said referring to the tattoo artist.
He reached for counter trying to get into his wheel chair, I didn’t want to put Elijah down so I didn’t try to help him. I stood outside not quite ready to leave trying to quiet Elijah down.
“Tomas didn’t tell us he had a son”, Judson said from behind me. I watched him start to ink someone and I wondered how often he changed the needles.
“He doesn’t tell you a lot of things”
“I can tell his is on crack.”
“You have not idea what he's going through”, I said to him even though I don't think Tomas told him about the AIDS
“Sofie”, Tomas yelled at me, “I told you to wait in the car”
“You didn’t tell us you had a kid”, Judson started again
“I don’t. I’ll be out in a minute Sof”
It took me a second to move, I was used to him saying that and it wasn’t that it I mind but it still hurt a little. I went back to the car and sat in the back seat with Elijah till Tomas came out.
I silently helped him into the car and put the wheelchair in the trunk.
“Are you sure you didn’t do any drugs”, I said.
He nodded and turned the radio up, closing his eyes trying to get through the rest of the car ride, once we were close to the Petal Inn he seemed to be getting better.
There was another car parked infront of the hotel in our parking space. Around the car five young children were playing out in the parking lot.
“Guess we have neighbors”, I said
“Yeah”, he said still recovering
A woman who looked to be in her late thirties with layerd
brown hair and hazel eyes was watching the children, occasionally yelling a
name. The kids seemed slightly out of control but I always liked the idea of having a big family, I'd give anything to have had a sibling when I was younger. I looked over at Tomas realizing I'd never told him that but I'm sure he felt the same way.
The woman stopped and looked up the moment she saw us. People often did that whenever I helped Tomas but I didn't mind. I couldn’t
quite read her expression and simply waved to her before turning around. Something I would never do in New York.
“Sofia ?”, she said my name
“Yes”, I said realizing she must be one of the other women or was it victims, “Did Martina tell you about me"
“Not really”
Tomas was still by my side, he seemed unsure whether he should leave me alone or not.
“ I didn’t get your name”, I said
“Sofia”, she said my name again, “I need your help. I’m begging you to help me and my children I can’t lose him”
“I’m sorry ?”, I started backing away
“My kids need their father. . . I need my husband.. . please”
“who are you ?”
“Danielle Fenton, please don’t put my husband in jail he’s innocent”
I shook my head I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want to
know he had a family. I didn't want to know he was human.
“Get inside”, Tomas said to me, “Ill get rid of her”
“Please”, Mrs. Fenton begged me
"I'm sorry", I was all I could say, "I'm sorry"
I took Elijah inside and watched from the window as Tomas continued talking back to her till she gathered her kids and drove away.
Suddenly Allen stopped being a monster and he started being real.
BACK TO BLOG FOR CHAPTER 2