I
+1+
“Were to ?”,
I looked up from my cell phone to the elderly man dressed in a Amtrack uniform as he was examining my ticket.
“Petal Brooke.” I continue with the small talk
“Where?”
“Uh- Raleigh”, I imagine that’s what the ticket says.
“Ah, the City of Oaks"
I nod my head in agreement and board the train clutching my hot tea and carry on bag as he leads me to a seat.
It had been nearly 2 weeks since Tomas was released from the hospital, Mrs. Austin had stopped by to tell me when the hearing was and that Tomas had kindly bought me a train ticket to North Carolina.
I kept the ticket by the door and looked at it when I came and went. Mrs. Austin then took me to a doctor to have a physical evaluation to see if I had in her words been “intimate” with anyone since I was “hurt.”
Next, the North Carolina court system would then give me a psych exam and from what I could remember from my mother I could probably BS my way into convincing them I was mentally ill.
At first I wanted to fight him but the reality of our relationship was that we had a marriage but to him it wasn’t worth saving or remembering
+++
I watched as the train began to fill up, most people were traveling in groups and pair. I set my thermos down and closed my eyes ready to take an eight hour nap when I heard the porter approach.
“Right here, Sir”
“Thank You”
Well, Fuck me.
I wait until the porter is gone before opening my eyes.
“Good Morning, Mr. Alexander”, I say coldly throwing my blanket over my shoulders.
“I didn’t want to sit here”, he reminds me reaching over to plug his laptop in.
“Is just being around me hard now?” I want to give him a hard time.
“No”
We sit in silence as the last passenger’s board and the train lurches forward. I absolutely hate traveling on trains and can feel the motion sickness setting in.
“Where have you been staying”, I play with the frail ends of my blanket. There was no way I could sleep now.
“Eric and Maddie’s”, of course
He probably thinks I’ve talked to Angeline and moved in with Severine and spent thousands of dollars forgetting him, but I hadn’t.
“Are you working?”, I press on.
“Yeah, one of the guys I met at the convention had an opening; commission plus tips”, he is direct with his answers.
I take to looking out the window, waiting for sleep to set in, after working all day yesterday I was doing pretty good on 5 hours of sleep. I’m so transfixed by the scenery outside the window I don’t even notice that Tomas has left his seat.
The laptop he has is new; the screen swivels down and lays flat with a stylus attached to it. I run my finger over it to see he is drawing something in an art program. His new job must pay well.
The screen darkens just before he comes back carrying 2 cups of coffee and mini cereals.
“I brought you some coffee.”
“Masala Chai”, I say tapping my ginger scented thermos.
He ends up drinking both cups of coffee but I decide to take the cereal and even though we are on our way to the end, it feels more natural than when we were trying to squeeze inside the husband/ wife roles.
Commitment was hard, this was easy.
“So, I can still help pay for your school. . .if you need
it.
“I do . . . so, you really want to do this?”
“I didn’t realize how much work this would be, I mean we just wanted to get away from the lives we were barley living. We were each other’s excuse.”
I wondered if I could have lived forever in that apartment next to a coffee shop forever, never having to worry.
“I’m really upset with you, you know”
“Why . . . else.” I pick up a hint of frustration in his voice.
I consider where we are and motion for him to follow me to the smoking car, it’s empty and I had a feeling that he was going to start smoking soon, anyway.
“What is it?” he pulls out a cigarette and actually offers me one, I decline.
“It’s just . . . you were the only one I ever told”
“Told what?”
“That I was raped”
He loses his words and the cigarette falls from his lips spreading warm ashes on my finger tips, he quickly picks it up and puts it out.
“Shit, I didn’t know”
“You never noticed that Severine, Angeline or anyone never talks about it?”
“I just thought . . . I’m sorry”
“Sorry, really doesn’t cut it. Now I have to tell a judge and jur-“
“There is no jury”
“It doesn’t matter. . . I just wanted you to know if anything is making this whole thing easier it’s knowing that I can’t trust you”
“Sofia, I honestly didn’t know. You never told me, you never tell me anything”, he starts raising his voice.
I roll my eyes and head back to my seat alone hating how right he is. If it weren’t for all the witness I probably would have damaged his laptop. I run my finger back over it and look at the history, it hadn’t been cleared in a week.
Among all the porn, e-mails and banking accounts he had favorited the Catholic Law Service and Divorce & Annulment Web sites.
I try to fall asleep before he comes back but he can tell I’m awake. He kisses my hand as if to make up for it but I lightly push him away.
“I didn’t know”, he whispers in my ear and I realize how close he is to me.
It’s to late now
+2+
I had six white dresses in my closet; I chose the only one I hadn’t worn yet. I had bought it for the reception Angeline and Samuel had for everyone who missed their wedding.
It was a simple empire waisted dress with a deep v neck. I had decided to accessorize with a simple diamond pendant necklace.
I took what felt like the green mile down the stairs from my bedroom; Angeline was in the kitchen fighting with Samuel it was clear they were still arguing about me. Severine was sitting on the couch but got up to hug me.
“I still want you there”, I told her.
“It shouldn’t have to be this way”, she looks back at Angeline in the kitchen, “You look really pretty, though”
I took that as her blessing and took my time walking by the kitchen. Angeline and I glance at each other quickly she still didn’t approve of me getting married to someone she didn’t like while Samuel thought I was too young.
Looking back I guess I should have listened.
+++
My heart dropped when I entered the nearly empty church. Two women from the congregation were putting up some last minute flowers; the priest was standing in the front, 2 guys who I assumed were Tomas’ friends were sitting in the back row.
Tomas was sitting in the front row but stood once he saw me. The Priest smiled and motioned for me to come forward. I realized that this was an aisle and I was walking down it.
I started crying for all the wrong reason.
“What’s wrong, My Love”, he asked once I was in front of him holding hands.
“There’s no one here.”
I looked around to make sure I wasn’t going crazy
“You’re here, I’m here.”
I listened intently to what the priest was saying trying not to fall even more in love with the man who would be my husband. It wasn’t until I realized that I had to say my vows that I wanted to put all those emotions into words.
“Yo-“
“I”
We both started at the same time. I was supposed to go last.
“I”, he waits for me to cut in, “I vow to love you before all others, but there are no others. Many people spend their lives searching for their soulmate, their one true love. Some people are lucky to find the person they can truly call the better half of themselves, I am happy to count myself among the lucky ones, because I certainly found you earlier than I would have ever expected.”
I didn’t come from a family that said I love you or could be that raw or honest with me. Yet, somehow I was able to sum up my feelings for him in 4 words.
“You are my forever”
+++
The rain started when we stopped in DC, I took it as a sign. I watched her sleep against the window, the rain rolling off the windows almost as if it would glide onto her face.
I didn’t know how to comfort her or make up for what I had done.
Even if I couldn’t admit it, I had found someway to blame her for my depression and everything else that went wrong in my life.
It was easy at first, take this woman and love her. I knew how broken up she was and I wanted to fix her. I didn’t want to be the man who left her like her parents and Angeline did.
The nights were getting to cold though and it was just easier to be apart. I didn’t have to go through the motions of kissing her or asking her how her day was. I was getting too sick to keep up a charade.
Maybe I had fallen in love with the idea of helping her---no, I fell in love with her and I always would love her but that wasn’t enough.
After getting released from the hospital Maddie and Eric happily took me in, they needed help with the rent and never really liked Sofia. One of my connection from the convention offered me a spot in his higher-end shop. I made at least 500 dollars a day twice that on weekends and in less than a week I had a livable life again.
I was alone, but I was used to it.
While she is still sleeping I take a 50 dollar tip a drunk frat boy had given me and put it in the bottom of her purse, she didn’t look well.
She stirred a little when my cell phone started to ring, I answer it quickly.
“Not now”
“You sure, man”, I hated the voice on the other line
“Yeah, I’ll be back by at the end of the week”
“I can’t make any promises”
The junkie in me wanted to get off at the next stop and run back to New York but I had to be level headed. I knew other dealers.
“Just see what you can do, Derek”
I shut the phone as she starts to wake up.
It’s just a part of who I am
II
+++
I’m not surprised when Tomas shows up again at the Motel 6 that I am booked at, I don’t know how much he was paying the lawyer but I assumed this is covered in her fees.
The clerk gives us a strange look for getting two rooms
considering we had the same last name but it’s the last thing on my mind. I had
to look presentable and go to visit a court appointed psychologist to prove
that I was not of sound mental mind.
I took a cab to the office, it was strange being in the suburbs again. There was an odd disconnect of people and the world around them.
I brushed that thought aside when I noticed the route the driver was taking. I checked the address to see where we were headed and sure enough the cab pulled into the parking lot of Petal Brook Medical.
Maybe I wasn’t afraid of hospitals but I hated this hospital.
I calmed myself down and entered the front entrance, a part of the hospital I had never seen. It was pretty? The lobby had a single security guard and was decorated with an indoor fountain and countless flowers and plush furniture.
I made my way through security and to the 5th floor. I had spent so much time in the Emergency room and intensive care I never realized how different each part of the hospital was.
Dr. Olsten’s office was empty, except for a bored secretary who promised she would call me as soon as the doctor was ready. I tried to settle into reading Emma but I was distracted.
“Sofia ?”
Dr. Olsten is middle aged with a streak of gray hair, he looks over my file before opening the door to his office.
I vaguely remember playing in the corner during my mother’s psych evaluations but it wasn’t much help now.
“Okay, Sofia”,
Starts the Doctor, “Now as I understand it your mother was diagnosed as
Bi-polar”
I wasn’t sure if it was a question or not.
“Yes."
“That must have been difficult”
“I didn’t really notice”, except when she was gone.
“Usually”, he was trying to fit me into a box, “Children of unstable parents are very responsible. Cooking, cleaning, excelling in school to make up for the parents activity.”
Sure, I had learned to cook my own dinners when I was 10 and I did a few extra chores but I didn’t tell him that.
“I don’t always make responsible decisions”, now I was getting back on topic
“Like reporting your rape”, he was very cut and dry, “if people knew they would see how irresponsible you were”
“It’s not like that,”, I wasn’t going to let him get to me, “It was. . .complicated.”
Dr. Olsten starts scribbling away in my file with the same stoic demeanor. I hated how emotionless he could be and I couldn’t.
“Do you think you imagined it, perhaps he was a
hallucination?"
“No, never. I don’t see what this has to do w-"
He holds his hand up and continues writing.
“Was he your first experience with your sexuality?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”, I pull my legs
into the chair.
“You learned the dominant roles of males in this man” he continues, “Could this be why you didn’t fully understand what was meant contract of marriage?”
I had no idea how to answer that question and I hated how uncomfortable this man and his questions made me. It was driving me . . . crazy?
“I think so, I don’t know.”, my mother said that a lot
He scribbles some more notes down and after an hour of pressing questions all dealing with family history and my time at the hospital he lets me go, but not completely.
+++
Hallucination
I’m sure I’ve had them at some point in my life when I was doing drugs, but Allen was anything but a hallucination he had been so real, physical.
After leaving the doctors office I take the elevator down to the first floor ICU, I slip my shades on incase anyone would recognize me.
I just needed a glimpse or some proof that I hadn’t completely lost it. Without thinking I take the direction down towards where my old room used to be. The hospital was like a house I once lived in.
I could make out places I had slept, eaten, and played. The staff were like old neighbors to wrapped up in the present to notice the past. I discreetly turn the door handle but it’s locked and I feel relived.
I circle floor one more time, this time looking for Dr. LaRue, my previous doctor when I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder.
“Ma’am ?”
That touch, voice and when I turn around it’s the face that’s haunted my nightmares. He doesn’t look at all surprised or scared and all the rage I had for him is fear again.
He doesn’t even recognize me.
“You have very nice hair.”, he reaches to touch it but I slap his hand away. Disgusted at myself for letting myself touch him.
Even though it’s the wrong direction I walk past him and towards one of the side exits. Once I’m outside I steady myself against the prick wall, dropping the mint container in my hand and watching as the Valium scatter across the street.
I don’t even bother chasing after them.
+++
Lying down that night I struggle to get the image of Allen out of my mind. I had spent the better part of two years pretending like he was not important, he didn’t have control over me.
My dress and shoes from earlier are lying in a pile close to the trashcan. I pull my grey robe over myself as a blanket and try to think of something else, like Charleston having to sleep in a kennel tonight.
Wiping my wet eyes with the back of my hand I see the smudge of black from the makeup I was still wearing. I just reach over to turn the last of the lights out and let the darkness lull me to sleep.
But nightmares found their way in.
I tried to control my ragged breath as he used my body, causing me pain and to moan in ways I never had or wanted to before. I could hear him laugh as he bent his knees to enter me
I let a few tears run
from my eyes.
“I’m gonna m-m-m-ake you—“
Yes, he had a lisp
“s-so g-good”, he continued
I wanted out.
+3+
Sofia
fell into my arms before I could close the motel door behind her. It was 2 am
and not the wake-up call I expected.
I start to talk but she smothers my mouth with hers, her
face is wet with tears and either she started crying or hasn’t stopped. Her
body is covered in a thin layer of sweat and she smells like. . .sex ?
She drags her white tipped fingernails across my bare chest, never breaking our kiss. It’s like she’s possessed.
Maybe she really is crazy.
Her kisses are desperate and there is very little doubt in my mind what she wants. I give into her a little at first as I let my tongue slide in between her perfect lips. There is something comforting about her arms around my neck, with only a thin robe separating her body from mine.
Separating
Separated
Shit
I lay her down on the bed to calm her down, looking into her undiluted eyes. She looks away quickly and pulls me over her.
“Please”, she begs running her palm down my chest,
She pulls at the waistband of my boxers wrapping her legs around my waist and down my back. Kissing my mouth in her delusional passion. I quickly learn that kissing her or speaking would make this more intimate than it should be for two people trying to get away from each other.
I took my time pulling her robe apart, slipping on a condom before I am slowly able to come together with her, I regret and enjoy it all at the same time, her heavy breaths and quiet moans are unexpected at the least. I can’t help but to kiss her slightly open mouth. She holds my mouth to hers and I feel her body tense beneath me, a low ragged moan escapes her.
She needs to look in my face to know it's me, and for a few sconds we are physically closer than ever before.
"It's me", I remind her.
Her ankles slowly unhook from my lower back and she turns over so her back is facing me, both of us still breathing hard.
+++
My 3:36am late night/early morning cigarette craving comes
with mixed company. I reconsider lighting up when I see her still sleeping next
to me. I wouldn’t put it above her to fiend sleep to avoid a conversation.
I move a strand of hair out her face to make sure it is the woman I think it is. Dark wet eye make up is still surrounds he eyes, her lips are slightly swollen, and I hadn’t noticed her hair was in loose ponytail. Otherwise she looks peacefully asleep.
I wonder if this is how my father felt sleeping with a woman he had every intentions of leaving. Of course there had been very few times in my life that I had been able to empathize with him.
Very few was more than none but not entirely enough for me to want to continue doing things like him.
I lay my head back on the pillow and turn away from her to face the alarm clock, I start thinking about how to make up missed hours and money at work, if I should start looking for an apartment and most of all those precious pills I had been avoiding.
+++
My actual wake up call comes at 9am, I unplug the phone and decide to get a few extra minutes of sleep. Without thinking I turn over to the empty spot beside me and everything from last night comes back to me.
I hadn’t expected to feel so disheartened at her absence.
Decidedly wide awake I take a quick shower and get dressed. I had a message on my phone from my lawyer reminding me of the 2 O’clock court appointment.
On my way down the hall I make the half conscious effort to knock on Sofia’s door. The door creaks open a little but she doesn’t answer.
“Sofia ?”
I push the door open a little wider to see if it is being cleaned but it’s empty. Her suitcase is open on the bed and a pair of shoes beside. Nothing looked out of place she must have been in such a rush she left the door open.
I had rented a car shortly after we had arrived and left a note offering to give her a ride.
I took a short ride down town pulling up in front of a Starbucks, it was crowded but not New York crowded. I sat down till the crowd dissipated but Emma came to me first.
“Hey there”, she pulls me into a hug and I could see her employees whispering to each other.
“I didn’t want to bother you”
“Oh, it’s fine I was in the back working on inventory, so . . . it’s today right ?”
“I’ve got a few hours though. I do want to take you out for drinks later.”
“Hmmm.”, she pretends to think about it, “Sure thing.”
“Great, anyway I can get a black coffee ?”
“Sure, oh and tell Sofia I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.”
She turns on her heels to get the coffee and I can’t tell if she thought I knew what she has been talking about, I decide to settle this when she brings the coffee back.
“Emma, what did Sofia want your help with ?”
“Oh, well we had been trying to find your mom while you were in the hospital.”
“She never told me that.”
My mother and I had always been close and I could see how Sofia understood that. We were both raised by teenage parents I can’t think of a time when my mother was ever the “Adult” or in a committed relationship, I was ignorant to the idea.
I considered whether this changed things or not.
I spent the better part of 3 hours watching Emma work and
reading a local paper. Apparently not much had changed since I left nearly a
year ago. I remind Emma of our plans tonight and drive around town for a few
minutes trying to get out of my own head.
I stepped on the brakes hard almost running into a taxi pulling out in front of me. I watched the empty cab pull into the street and wondered how many taxi cabs were there in Petal Brook.
I pulled into the parking lot of a local diner that the cab had come out of and stepped inside. At first I thought it was empty but Sofia was sitting at a counter facing the window, she must have seen me walk in.
“I’d like to be alone.”, she never takes her eyes from the hot tea.
“Well I’d like to talk about last night.”, I choose my words carefully while taking a seat next to her.
“Transference.”
She swivels the stool so she is facing me, the tips of shoes land lightly on top of mine. She is all dressed for court wearing a black skirt and pink short sleeved sweater with a ribbon tied snug around the center.
“What?”, I had been staring.
“Well, I looked it up in a psychology text book”, she stirred her tea nervously, “Clearly I was transferring my feeling for. . .someone else to you”
she sucks on her lip nervously and I know there is something she doesn't want to tell me.
“For the 67 minutes that I’m still your husband I think I have the right to know who this someone is.”
“No”
“No you’re not telling me or no I don’t have the right ?”
“No it’s just no”
“You don’t have to lie if you wanted to have sober sex with me”
“Stop it”, she blinks back tears,there was no way I was going to make her cry in public.
“I’m sorry Sofie”
“I know”, she reaches into her purse and give me an empty tiny plastic bag, “I don’t know what was in here but I threw it away. . . I found it in your room”
“Meth”, I say truthfully, it wasn’t habit just a way to get by but she already knew that.
“I can’t be mad at you”
“Why not”
“I just can’t”
“When you’re ready I’ll give you a ride to court”
I take a walk around the street while she eats lunch. There isn’t much to see and I start to feel claustrophobic in this town. I walk a few more blocks before deciding to head back and when I get back she is leaning on the hood of the car.
“I want to sit in the back”, she pulls on the locked door and once again I give into her.
I follow the directions Mrs. Austin had written down for me and even though she was a New York lawyer she had passed the North Carolina Bar and helped set everything up and keep it.. . kosher, so to speak.
My mother threw religion at me every step of the way, Even if I did the wrong thing I had to at least realize when I was doing it. I think it made me conservative in some ways and Mrs. Austin had helped to give me the right way out of this holy matrimony.
Just a few more minutes.
Mrs. Austin's shiny red sports car was parked out front, a few steps out the car and Mrs. Austin herself comes storming out of the building a file in hand her heels making loud and fast noises on the floor
“I can’t believe this”, I can hear the anger in her voice, “What were you thinking ?”
She jabs the papers towards me, I didn’t even want to know how she found out I had actually slept with Sofia.
“Wait”, Sofia
cautiously approaches her before I can explain.
“Sofia, don’t. . .”, I don’t know what I was going to say.
“He has nothing to do with it”, she continues talking to Mrs. Austin
“Yes, well you do”, Mrs. Austin directs her rage back at Sofia, “I didn’t fly all the way out here for this and I do not like where this is going for a nice man like Mr. Alexander”
If I hadn’t heard my name I wouldn’t have thought this was about me.
“What’s going on?” I’d take an answer from anyone.
“Sofia’s medical records were just sent to me—“
“Please stop”, Sofia lunges to take the files away from her or possibly hit the woman but I hold her back.
To my knowledge Sofia had only been to a doctor once since we were married and that was for her HIV test. I had never seen anything proving she was negative; I had just taken her word for it.
It would explain why she was obsessed with my doctor’s appointments, medicine and anything that had to do with HIV.
My life was cut short and so was hers.
I hated how fair it sounded
“Mrs. Austin?” I look at her for answers
“You can’t get an annulment, I’m sorry Tomas but you’ll have to file for divorce”
“Why?”
I look to see Sofia is sitting in the back of the car crying into her hands.
“Your wife’s pregnant”
III
+4+
No
No
No way in hell
I slam the door and start the car before Sofia has a chance to get out, pulling out of the parking lot as fast as I can I have no idea where I--- we were going.
The speedometer gets up to eighty on the interstate and I push it just a few miles faster, opening the windows. This would have worked a lot better if she wasn’t in the car. I slow down to the speed limit and pull over to the shoulder.
I get out the car looking for something to kick or snort.
Sofia follows me out the car, I didn’t lock the doors because there isn’t anywhere she can go.
“How?” I can’t even look at her
“I cheated on you”
To easy
“Don’t lie to me”, I raise my hand to her but quickly gain control.
She backs up a little stepping into the field of purple wildflowers growing by the side of the road and picks one and starts plucking at the petals.
“When you were in the hospital I kept thinking how I’d almost lost you. . . and I just wanted to give you the one thing you wanted. You were getting better and not doing drugs I thought things would be different.”
“What did you do, Sofia ?”
“I was going to tell you at the hospital but that woman was there. . . I’ve been saving up for an abort-“
“The hell you are, not as long as you’re my fucking wife.”
“Listen”, she tries to be strong, “I am not Catholic, you are. I don’t have to believe the same notions you do”
She rips a patch of the flowers from the ground and tosses them back down; it’s pathetic and almost cute.
Almost as if to make the evening train back to New York harder I ask her another question.
“How far along?”
She moves her hair out of her face and looks at me, “4 or 5 weeks”
I brace myself against the car.
“I don’t want you to have an abortion, Sofia”
“I don’t either. . . but it’s okay I was at Carolina Baptist College this morning and I can transfer and get family housing, scholarships and everything.. . You won’t have to do anything.”
He last words didn't sit well with me at all
“What?”
“One of my friends from high school goes there and I talked to an admissions counselor, she said I could still apply . . . so I did, right in her office”
“Sofie, I can’t just leave you. . .now, unless. . .I mean. . .shit”
I learned in 6th period gym during dodgeball that I did not think quickly on my feet, which is one of the reasons I skipped that class on a routine bases.
“I’ve gotten used to the idea of being single. It’s just Severine told me I had to make a choice and as I was moving into the apartment I wondered what it would be like to have a family. . .”
She sits down in the midst of the flowers, touching a few carefully.
It was another one of the rare moments that I could empathize with my son of a bitch father. No matter what decision I made, whenever I made it, would leave Sofia alone with a child.
I held onto the car a little more, watching her. Whether she liked it or not I felt like I had a choice to make.
Leaving now would be easier
Later would be harder
Now would look bad
Later wouldn’t be my fault
I move to sit next to her.
“Why do flowers grow on the side of the highway?” she asks a simple question, “It’s not like anyone really sees them, it’s a waste”
I decoded that quickly
“I don’t know”
“What are you going to do?”
I kiss her quickly
“I told you, I don’t know.”
